[Transcript of video]
Hey friends, it’s Leah from the Good Girls Talk About Sex podcast.
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Before we get started today, quick moment of radical honesty. This weekend, I was at this amazing three day public speaking class for sex educators. And I knew it would be intense. But I had no idea how much I would be crying. I ended up bursting a blood vessel under my eye, apparently from crying so much! So, Reid Mihalko – thanks. Actually, it was an amazing class and I hope I get to do it again.
Anyway, moving on to the topic of fantasies – and I’m talking specifically about female fantasies for really, really small, basic things.
For a really long time – and by that I mean like 15 years, I had one persistent fantasy. And it never got fulfilled.
It was nothing fancy. In fact, it was the opposite of fancy. It was that I would have a partner who would be so willing to focus on my pleasure that they would just spend time touching my body.
I wanted to be with somebody who would just touch my body all over. Without my breasts or my genitals involved, they would just touch and stroke and kiss and love on my body until I was so excited that I begged them to touch my breasts. And then they would do that until I was so excited that I would beg them to touch my genitals. That’s it. That was the whole fantasy.
I was so starved for the kind of touch that I desired, that my entire fantasy was that somebody would actually give it to me, and that it wouldn’t be always focused on my breasts and my genitals.
Does that sound familiar?
I’m guessing that for a lot of you it might, because I hear so frequently from women that what they want so, so SO much is for their partner just to touch them. Sometimes they say that I wish he would just hug me without expecting it to turn into sex. But other times, it’s more like: I really need some non-sexual, intimate, sensual, touch in order to relax and feel safe, and then get into the mood.
I don’t go just straight from zero to 60 and go straight from no touch to I’m-ready-for-you-to-enter-me, which is how a lot of male-bodied people experience sex (and I have some theories about that that I’m working on, that I’ll share with you over time.)
This is a challenging mismatch in how we consider touch. I’m talking primarily about heterosexual couples in this example, but it’s not exclusively heterosexual couples. Lots of couples have mismatches in how they desire to give and receive touch, largely because nobody is talking about what they want.
So, you know, I’m not going to blow sunshine were it don’t belong. What is this thing with the whole perineum tanning thing by the way? What the heck is that??
Anyway, I’m not gonna blow sunshine where it doesn’t belong. These are important conversations to have. They’re not necessarily easy the first few times you have them. But the more that you have them, the easier they get.
I’ve talked before a little bit about the Three Minute Game and I’m going to recommend it again today. I’ll put the link into the description so you can download it: www.leahcarey.com/threeminutegame.
In it you have the opportunity – in very short periods of time and in a very defined structure, so that you don’t have to be like, this is going to go on and on and on – it takes all of that pressure off of you because it’s so defined and it’s so short. But you have the opportunity to tell your partner exactly how you want to be touched for three minutes. And they get to do exactly that for you. And you get to take anything off the table that you don’t want.
So with my current partner when we play this game, I will often say to him, “I want you to touch me all over without my breasts and my genitals involved.” And I finally get to live out that desire to be seen as a whole person, as opposed to feeling like I am just a walking blob with boobs and a pussy, which is often how I felt in the past.
So if this resonates for you, I highly recommend the Three Minute Game. And if you have questions about your needs – I know that there are a lot of women out there who are afraid that you’re not sexual enough (that’s something that I hear a lot) or that you’re frigid even (that’s another one that I hear) because your fantasies aren’t quote unquote sexy enough.
If you’re concerned about that, let me know – I want to talk with you about that, because it’s not true. Your fantasies are pointing you toward the unmet needs that you still really desire to get met. And that is a beautiful thing, because it’s telling you what you need and what you want.
So, I hope that’s helpful. I look forward to talking to you again soon. Until then, here’s to your better sex life!
Download Three Minute Game here: