Inez is a 32-year-old, cisgender woman who describes herself as white, heterosexual, married with children, and monogamous.

Inez is dealing with chronic illness and is in a currently sexless marriage.

Topics covered in this interview include: recovering personal pleasure after abuse/trauma, body image, chronic illness and its impact on sexual activity, and how a partner’s mental health diagnosis impacts the relationship.

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT (CLICK TO OPEN)

LEAH: Hi, I’m Leah Carey and this is Good Girls Talk About Sex. This is a place to share conversations with all sorts of women about their experience of sexuality. Before we get started, I want to tell you this. These are unfiltered conversations between adult women talking about sex. If anything about the previous sentence offends you, turn back now! And if you’re looking for a trigger warning, you’re not going to get it from me. I believe that you are stronger than the trauma you have experienced. I have faith in your ability to deal with the things that upset you. Sound good? Let’s start the show!

[MUSIC]

LEAH: In today’s episode, we’ll meet Inez, a 32 year old cisgender woman who describes herself as white, heterosexual, married, and monogamous. Inez is dealing with chronic illness and is in a primarily sexless marriage even though she finds her husband extremely sexy. I’m so pleased to introduce Inez!

Thank you so much for being here. I’m really excited to talk to you.

INEZ: Thank you so much for having me. I’m really excited to dive in. This is totally different than anything I’ve ever done before.

LEAH: Awesome. [LAUGHTER]

LEAH: I love that. So let’s just jump right in and I’d love to talk to you or hear you talk about your first memory of sexual pleasure.

INEZ: Oh gosh. [LAUGHTER]

INEZ: Great question. I think it’s important to point out that I knew as a kid that masturbation felt good. Whether I recognize that as sexual pleasure is a totally different story. I probably didn’t experience sexual pleasure at least solo until middle school.

LEAH: Oh, that’s a fascinating distinction. INEZ: Yeah.

LEAH: So how old were you and how did you discover masturbation?

INEZ: Oh gosh, I think I had to have been early middle school, or excuse me, early elementary school and I think it’s also important to note that I know that when I was small child as far back as I can remember until middle school when I moved across the country, I was sexually abused. And so I know that at night, a relative would come into my bedroom at night and put his hand into my underwear. And I remember being afraid of that and that not feeling pleasurable at all because I was scared. And so I think it really started with me trying to see if I could make it feel good.

LEAH: Wow. Well, first of all, I’m sorry that you had to go through that. INEZ: Thank you.

LEAH: And it’s interesting to me that you had enough sort of self-awareness to recognize at that age, that you could change that story for yourself.

INEZ: Yeah and I think it was not an instantaneous thing. It was a more of “I feel like things aren’t okay.” I’m told to be quiet to keep this a secret and I felt really ashamed at myself for a really long time. So that really was a way for me at least subconsciously of taking back that power that was robbed of me.

LEAH: Yeah. How old were you when that started?

INEZ: It probably was like at least when I was a toddler as far back as I can remember. LEAH: Oh wow. And it was ongoing for years?

INEZ: Yeah until summer going into 5th grade when I moved across the country. Yeah. LEAH: And did you tell your parents?

INEZ: No, ironically enough. So when I was an adult, I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt and my sister had actually told my dad about what happened to me as a kid when I was in the hospital. And I remember my dad coming to me in the ICU because he was bewildered about “Why would you try to do this?” And he was crying, and he hugged me, and he said, “I’m sorry. Your sister told me what your brother did.” And now my brother was an adult when I was a kid, so I think he was like late teens, early 20s when all of this was transpiring, the sexual abuse. But I remember my dad hugging me and holding me and saying that he was sorry for not protecting me.

LEAH: How did that feel to have that conversation with your dad?

INEZ: To be honest, you’d think I would have some sort of relief but there really wasn’t any because I felt

so much grief over all of that. I didn’t want my dad to hurt. LEAH: Was that why you had not talked to your parents earlier?

INEZ: Yeah, I think for sure I didn’t tell my dad that. My parents were divorced. But my mom has never been the maternal type. The way that I could describe her is a chameleon like she changes based on whoever she’s with and even then, she’s not maternal at all.

So I could never have real conversations with her about the big things because she was always so dismissive of all the little things with me and I mean that continues to this day. Yeah, definitely, protecting my dad. He and I have always been really close, and I cared for him until he died when I was 28, so half my life. But for at least the last two years, he was in hospice at my home and then for most of my adult life, he had lived with my husband and I so we were really, really close. But yeah, a lot of that is just me protecting him, I think.

LEAH: It’s amazing to me. And I hear some echoes of this in my own experience with my mom of how children feel like we’re responsible for protecting the big people who are actually the ones who are supposed to be protecting us and yet as kids, we just don’t understand that dynamic well enough to put the responsibility where it should be, which is on the adults.

INEZ: Yeah, and even as an adult, I have three kids now and I sit here thinking, “God, I hope I’m not fucking my kids up. Oh, I shouldn’t have said this. I should have said this this way.” And I try my best to be like, “Oh, I screwed up. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said this.” But still, it’s that kind of stuff that keeps me up at night.

LEAH: Sure. So well, let’s get back to you and talk about some other childhood stuff. Aside from the abuse experience, what did you hear in your childhood home or school or church or wherever it might have been, what did you learn about “appropriate” sexuality as a child?

INEZ: So I grew up in a Lutheran home. And for those of you who aren’t really familiar with how that works, its’ basically like Catholic light. It’s what they like to say.

[LAUGHTER]

INEZ: But for me, living in the mid-West it was totally different when I lived out in the Pacific Northwest. Mid-west, there’s like zero talk about any of that. I definitely wasn’t hearing anything at all from my parents. And then when I lived out in the Pacific Northwest, it was a little bit different, my stepdad was a professor at a liberal arts college, and he was a crossdresser, and so it was a totally different experience for me. But my mom still didn’t have conversations with me. Everything I learned was in those school talks that they have the nurse come in and give.

LEAH: Yeah. [LAUGHTER]

INEZ: And Internet, because I’m 32, I did enough googling or whatever it was, Windows Vista, I think back then.

LEAH: Yeah. [LAUGHTER]

INEZ: I did enough of that back in my day and then really just conversations with friends. I remember the first time I heard about periods, I lost my guard, I’m like, “We bleed? What? Out of where?”

[LAUGHTER]

INEZ: Yeah, I definitely didn’t hear that from my mom.

LEAH: So something you mentioned before we started recording, you said something about a stripper name and I wanted to go back and pick that up. So have you performed before as a stripper in your life?

INEZ: Yeah, so for a very short period of time and that actually is a story in itself. So back when I was in high school, I’d say junior and senior year, I started participating in different auditions and casting calls and then pageants. I was actually state finalist for several pageants and I also belonged to a lot of forums online where models and influencers could connect with brands and photographs to work together.

And one day, after I just graduated, I received a message about going out to DC for an online, I think at the time he called it like an online web show or something. And thinking back, I’ve tried to find the emails and I’m like, “Did I not see any red flags here?” Like maybe I was just so desperate as a mid- Westerner who lived in a town of 1200 people to get out and see the world and I thought this was a big break for me. So I don’t know if it was just before I turned 18 or just after, but I know it was right around there because my birthday is at the end of August and it was at the end of the summer.

And I went to DC and it turns out it was an escort ring and I was stuck there for a week performing for this guy, working with lots of clients, and when I finally got out, I had called my roommate back home and I said, “Here’s what went down. This really wasn’t a TV show type of thing. Now, I’m broke. I need help.” And she was a stripper and when I got home, that’s what I did is I was a stripper. And then about a month later, I ended up pregnant. So that lasted a very short period of time.

LEAH: Did you end up keeping the pregnancy?

INEZ: At the time, I had been so in over my head with everything, really tailspin. And I was doing meth and coke and smoking marijuana and here in the mid-West it’s very illegal, all of it. And I remember taking pregnancy test after pregnancy test and then being negative over and over and over again until January.

And then finally I took one, I walked in the Walmart bathroom with my boyfriend waiting outside and I took a pregnancy test there and I saw I was positive. And I came out of the bathroom and I looked at him and I said, “Yeah, it’s positive.” And so I throw out my cigarettes as we’re walking out and I’ve been

sober since that day and that was 14 years ago I think. And yeah, so I spent my entire pregnancy terrified that she would come out deformed or handicapped in some way because I had been doing drugs and not just like marijuana, but hard drugs. But thank God, she’s perfect.

LEAH: And did the relationship last?

INEZ: So I was with him, he moved in after she was born and we got married. After three years together, had another baby, and then got divorced when she was two or three, my second child. But he was very, very manipulative, occasionally physically abusive but always verbally and emotionally abusive so yeah, I had to get out of that.

LEAH: I’m glad that you were able to get out of it.

INEZ: Thank you.

LEAH: Yeah. So I know that you are married now, so what is that story? How did that come to be?

INEZ: So I was actually in the middle of my divorce when I got this friend request on Facebook from this guy who was really good looking. And it wasn’t unusual for me to get those types of friend requests because at the time, I was really into health and fitness and I had lost a 123 pounds, I was super, super fit. And so I got a friend request from this guy and he was local and I’m like, “Oh, cool.” So he would message me and message me and finally I would talk to him. And it took I think it was 39 days before I finally agreed to go on a date with him.

[LAUGHTER]

INEZ: Nobody’s counting, right? [LAUGHTER]

INEZ: He was very persistent and he was like unlike any guy I’ve ever been with or talked to before because all of our conversations centered around religion and family and stuff and I was like, “This is different.” And so I finally decided to go on a date with him and he just totally swept me off my feet. And we ended up getting engaged 8 months later and then we got married on our 1 year anniversary, so we moved really quick.

LEAH: Wow.

INEZ: Yeah, it was very, very quick. In hindsight looking back, I think I was so desperate for some semblance of a happy relationship that yeah, I’m super co-dependent and I was probably co-dependent for a really, really long time. And so looking back, I probably would not have ended up with him. And we have struggled a lot in our marriage. However, things the last few years have been so much better.

LEAH: What’s the change? What shifted?

INEZ: It was about four, no actually, five years ago, our son was born and things were going okay but then all of a sudden, we didn’t have conversations around just all the things he was really interested in like working out, fitness, religion, all of that and he actually had some type of responsibility.

And so knowing what I know from having work in mental health facilities, “Oh snap, you can’t follow the most basic instructions I’m giving you. You have Asperger’s.” So I drive him off to a psychologist. I’m like, “He’s got Asperger’s. I know he does. Diagnose him.” Sure enough, I’m like, “Wow, life makes sense now.” And I think that after getting that diagnosis, I stay out of my ego more often because I’m like, “Okay, he’s not doing this to piss me off.”

[LAUGHTER]

INEZ: He’s not doing these things because he’s a jerk. He just doesn’t have the filter and I need to learn to work with him through versus flying off the handle.

LEAH: Yeah. So you mentioned that you had a lot of weight fluctuations and when you met him, you were extremely fit. So I assume at some point in your relationship you had those fluctuations, how has that affected your sense of your body and your sense of sexuality in your relationship with him?

INEZ: Oh, great question. So I’d say I’ve always been very sexual when I feel good about myself and I feel good about myself when I’m fit. And I don’t necessarily have to be thin to feel that way but if I’m been working out for the last four months and I tightened up quite a bit. I feel stronger. I feel better about myself because of the health issues that I have but it also I think just makes me feel like, “Okay, I got this.” Now, before my relationship with my husband, it won’t be that way. I was overweight, nobody was getting near me. But now, with him, I feel more like a cat on the prowl.

[LAUGHTER]

INEZ: Really the best way I could describe it is, “Damn, I look good.” Even though I might be 60 pounds overweight, but I’ve been working out and I feel strong. I’m going to rock these curves.

LEAH: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love that. [MUSIC]

LEAH: Sex is all about giving and receiving and so is this show. If you are enjoying receiving these conversations in your feed each week, I’d love it if you would respond by giving me a rating and review at Apple Podcasts.

SkyGal50 was in a giving mood when they wrote, “Leah Carey is an amazing interviewer and this podcast has some super interesting women talking about sex! Every woman should listen and so should men who are truly interested in how women think, feel, and react. You will absolutely hear things that will

validate you, enlighten you, surprise you, and make you laugh and nod your head. Don’t wait! Start listening now.”

Thank you SkyGal50. I’m so grateful for your words. And if you want even more Good Girls Talk About Sex, you can find it at Patreon. This week’s rewards are at the 5 dollar a month level, Inez talks about her difficult relationship with her mother and stepfather and how that affects how she parents her own children. At the 7 dollar a month level, we fit 20+ questions into 10 minutes of Q and A. And as always, at the 10 dollar a month level, you’ll get all that plus a monthly ask me anything where you can ask me your questions abouts ex, sexuality, and sexual communication. Plus, for Season 2, 10% of all Patreon donations I receive are going to ARC-Southeast, an organization that provides financial and logistical support to people seeking reproductive health services in Southern U.S. states where safe services are being legislated out of existence. To learn more and become a community supporter, visit patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex.

[MUSIC]

LEAH: So you mentioned that you’ve had some physical challenges. Can you talk a little bit about that and again, how does that impact your ability to be sexual with your husband?

INEZ: I didn’t get any of this diagnosed until probably 9 years ago is when I wouldn’t say first started seeing symptoms, but getting to the point where I’m like, “Okay, enough is enough. I need to be seen about these issues.”

I was first diagnosed with narcolepsy which is a sleep disorder and I have narcolepsy with cataplexy. It’s not like it is in the movies for me. It’s more like during any period of extreme emotion. So I could be out with my friends laughing a ton and then I’ll start to feel really, really weak and really, really tired and need to lay down or go to sleep. Which explains as a teenager, why when I was out at parties and we were drinking, having fun, I would just want to go to bed and I thought, “Oh, when I drink, I get tired so I don’t like drinking.” Even to this day, unless my alcohol tastes like Kool-Aid, I’m not drinking it.

[LAUGHTER]

INEZ: And then about 4 years ago, I was at a Renaissance festival and we were doing archery. And I did archery and I was really good at it, but the string part like clipped my elbow because of the way my elbow is like I’m double jointed. And so it got in the way and I just so happened to have a physical a couple of days after that.

And the doctor’s like, “Oh, that’s not normal.” Because I had this nasty bruise like the entire length of my forearm and the upper part of my arm and elbow and that’s when we really kind of fell down that rabbit hole because I was so double jointed and flexible. And it turns out I had Ehlers-Danlos syndrome which is a connective tissue disorder. It took me 15 appointments at Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota to get that diagnosis. And because your body is like 80-90% connective tissue, it literally impacts every area of my life. So I also have Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, which basically

means if I were to stand up, the blood will pool to my legs and then my brain is like, “Uh-oh, something is wrong.” And it makes me feel like shit until I sit down or lay down.

And a bunch of other things that come along with it, so most of my days, I feel miserable. Yeah, so it’s a really, really painful condition and there’s not really any treatment or any cure for it. Looking back, I know that God placed my husband with me because he’s so fit and strong. He used to compete in body building competitions and it’s like my days where I’m miserable, I can’t get out of bed, he does all the leg work. He will run the errands. I haven’t had to clean in 7 years, which is amazing. I highly recommend you finding someone to do it for you.

[LAUGHTER]

INEZ: But yeah, it really can be exhausting. As far as our sex life, I’m so grateful that my husband could pick me, move me around, be super strong and a lot of times I’m just a pillow princess and he doesn’t mind.

LEAH: And do you enjoy that kind of sexual interaction? Is that satisfying to you?

INEZ: I can’t remember the last time that I ever felt sexually gratified or really ever in any sexual partner I’ve ever had. I think a lot of it has to do with all of the sexual trauma that I’ve been through. It’s a lot more transactional and that might have to do with the human trafficking thing or the molestation, but I’ve had so many experiences in life where I’d be at a party and somebody who is over the age of 18 has taken advantage of me so it’s just very this isn’t my body, it’s theirs and so I can’t feel.

LEAH: I understand that so deeply. I mean my history of trauma is very, very different from yours but what sent me on this journey of healing that I’ve been through is that I was not able to feel sexual touch. It’s not like the nerve endings were problematic like I can feel. But as soon as the touch began to turn sexual, my body shut down completely. And it was very much a result of feeling like I didn’t get to own my body and that I was just supposed to give it over to whoever was touching me because that was my part of the transaction, just like you said it was very transactional. What I wanted was cuddling, what I had to give up in order to get cuddling was sex so I did it and I didn’t feel any.

INEZ: Yeah, that’s such a great way to look at it too and it’s funny you think that because I felt this way, the way that you described, that I would totally avoid sex, and I was super promiscuous from the moment I lost my virginity until I settled down with my husband. And I think it was so much chasing that feeling of security that I’ll never get.

LEAH: So are there types of sexual touch that you enjoy?

INEZ: No, there really isn’t. Maybe if my husband were to kiss my neck, I might enjoy that, but he knows you can’t undo my pants. You can’t stick your hands down my pants. I have to take it off for me. Yeah, so it’s always being hyper aware. To be honest, it really kind of sucks.

LEAH: And how is he with that? How does he respond to that?

INEZ: Because of his Asperger’s, I think he probably responds to it better than any other alpha male would. Just because people with Asperger’s tend not to be very emotional and connected anyway, so I think transactional for him works out just fine.

LEAH: And is he able to have sexual pleasure when he understands that it’s not providing that for you?

INEZ: Yeah. And over the years, I’ve noticed that he’ll hardly last at all, like a minute maybe. And we went to see his psychologist that diagnosed him with Asperger’s and he says, “Well, it probably has to do a lot with anxiety and stuff.” And so I think there is an element of him wanting to perform and then him not being able to give me that pleasure, that makes him lasts hardly at all. So that’s kind of disappointing. It’s a double-edged sword. It’s like part of me wishes that I would get pleasure but then also part of me is relieved like, “Oh, great. It’s over.”

LEAH: Yeah, I so understand that. It’s like, “Oh, I want him to have the pleasure so I want him to last but if it’s really quick then it’s over then I don’t have to endure this anymore.”

INEZ: Right, exactly. And he and I probably haven’t had sex in four months because we did have an incident where I think my husband had been drinking. And he normally doesn’t drink because alcohol runs in his family. And one night he did have a couple of beers, and he was in the mood, and I was not. And he’s not on social media, he doesn’t watch the news or anything, so he’s not aware of how prevalent the Me Too movement is.

And I don’t think knowing, I don’t want to say knowing like consent, but there was a point where I kept telling him “No, no” and he was continuing to proceed and I would pull my underwear up and he would keep on pulling it down and this probably went on for like five minutes, fifteen to twenty times. And finally, I like kicked him off and I said, “When I say no, I mean no.” And of course, he feels terrible about it now that I’ve explained it to him in detail like, “Here’s my history. You already know my history but here’s how these two connect and why what you did is not okay.”

So it’s been really difficult for me to even think of him in that capacity even though I think of him as the most gorgeous man on the planet and I certainly know he did not mean to hurt me in any way. I don’t think he realized that this was non-consensual.

LEAH: Yeah, that’s hard. What do you think it might take for you to get back to that place with him? I assume you don’t want to have a sexless marriage.

INEZ: Right, yeah, that’s a really good question. It’s something that I’ve actually talked about a bit. I think a lot of it really just has to do with my mood like if I feel like I look good, then my desire goes up. And so my losing weight, my getting fit again, yeah and that’s the plan anyway. But we always say, oh we’ll start Monday.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: That’s interesting though because it sounds like it was an action on his part that caused you to back off and you’re taking the responsibility for getting yourself to a place where you’re okay again in order to feel the desire again.

INEZ: Yeah, that’s a funny connection because he did these things and he’s trying to make amends and working at trying to prepare that, but I think for me I am so turned off that it will have to take me doing something to feel that desire.

LEAH: Interesting.

INEZ: Because I don’t know what it’s like to be in control of my own body, my own desires, I don’t know

what it’s like to feel safe and so desiring something that you aren’t aware of, it’s hard to do. LEAH: Yeah, I understand that. Do you masturbate?

INEZ: Occasionally.

LEAH: And is that pleasurable for you?

INEZ: It usually lasts about five minutes and it’s like very transactional. It’s more like a release.

LEAH: Wow, I want so much for you to be able to feel the fullness of your body and your sexuality. I so relate to what you’re saying about it feeling transactional and having done my own journey to move to the other side of that. And it’s not to say that sometimes it doesn’t feel transactional, because it absolutely sometimes does. But there’s now a sense for me of having like, “I own my body and I choose who I share it with.” And that brings me pleasure and I want so much for you to experience that.

INEZ: Thank you. I receive that.

LEAH: Have you ever felt any sexual urges that confused you?

INEZ: I think so and I think that this goes back to a meme I saw Jenna Marbles do where she’s talking about some attractive female saying, “I don’t know whether or not I want to be her or be in her.”

[LAUGHTER]

INEZ: Sometimes I feel the same where I’m like, “Wow, I just want to look at you. Can you just stand there and maybe like turn around because you are so visually appealing to me.” That it’s almost like looking at a beautiful painting or magnificent sunset or something that’s just like, “Wow.” You’re just in awe that this could be created.

And that’s something that I’ve tried articulate to my oldest daughter who has come out to me as being bisexual. And because she’s 13, I’m trying to navigate, “Oh my gosh, this isn’t a conversation I’ve ever had with anybody, let alone like my mom. How do I do this?”

LEAH: Well, you and I can keep talking when we get off the phone because I’m bisexual and it’s something I’m perfectly happy to talk about.

[LAUGHTER]

INEZ: Yeah. The way that that came about was I think she had forgotten to sign out of the Pinterest account on my phone once when she was messing around with it and I saw all these pins saved about gay pride and all of the stuff. And I’m like, “Why would this be showing up?” And I’m like, “Oh snap, I’m in my daughter’s account.” And so I’m looking and, “Oh my gosh, I really need to have a conversation with her.”

Because a lot like my mom, I now talk about periods and stuff which my mom didn’t do but I know did not want to repeat the same thing that my mom did and I wanted to have a conversation, I just didn’t know how to do it. And so I showed her and, “Is there something that you want to talk about?” And of course, she totally shut down and I’m like, “Oh snap, I’m really screwing this up.”

But I did recover by saying, “Hey, there’s a Pride fest coming up.” And so I took her to pride fest and I took my middle child and there’s this booth that had all these little pins that you could buy and I found a pin that said ally on it. And I showed my daughter after I purchased it and I’m like, “I’m going to wear this.” And I handed her the bisexual one and she wore it and we had this mutual understanding where words didn’t really need to be said.

LEAH: Aww, that’s so lovely. I feel like you say that you really messed up the earlier conversation, the fact that you’re willing to have the conversation means that you didn’t mess it up. Maybe it didn’t go exactly the way you wanted it to, but the fact that you’re willing to show up and do those things with her, it is what she’ll remember.

When I came out to my mom as bisexual and she and I were super, super close and I remember saying to her, really the PFLAG was the only support option at the time and I said, “Would you go to a PFLAG meeting with me?” And her response to me was, “I don’t feel like I need that.” And I was like, “But mom, I need that. I need to know that you’re not ashamed. I need to know that you’re okay with this.” And it was something that ultimately we never ended up doing together and I don’t feel like she terribly wronged me in that.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: But when I hear other parents talk about, “Oh, I didn’t get this conversation exactly the way that I wanted it to.” I’m like, “Ff you’re willing to show up, you are doing what is necessary and that’s okay.”

INEZ: And I receive that. I certainly am not a perfect parent by any means. I screw up every day. But that’s one thing, I really try hard to get right. I don’t totally understand it all. But I join committees and all this stuff so that way I can be a better ally and have advocate for her and others like her.

LEAH: I love it. [MUSIC]

LEAH: before we finish up, let’s do the Quick Five. Five quick questions we’d usually be too polite to ask any good girl.

[MUSIC]

LEAH: Do you swallow or not?

INEZ: My poor husband, no. When I do, I don’t swallow. He takes a lot of supplements so it’s like toxic sludge.

LEAH: Oh my God.

INEZ: Yes, it’s awful.

LEAH: So you’re willing to give him blow jobs as long as it doesn’t have to?

INEZ: Oh yeah, it’s like you can unleash on my boobs or something but I’m not swallowing that mess. [LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Wow, I never thought about that. What’s the kinkiest thing you enjoy?

INEZ: I’m a pretty vanilla person. Although I have recently discovered that I really get turned on by being dominant and dominated. And I was always tell my husband, “Pretend I’m hulk and let me throw you up against the wall. I don’t want to have sex with you, just let me throw you and just pretend that I’m really, really strong.” And that totally turns me on, but in a way, that is my sexual gratification even though it’s not we’re having sex.

LEAH: Because there’s a whole community for people whom the Dominant Submissive thing is a play that they really enjoy, and it doesn’t culminate in sex. It is special.

INEZ: Oh, it’s me.

LEAH: Without culminating in sex, yeah, so thank you. [LAUGHTER]

LEAH: You are not alone in that. That’s a thing.

INEZ: Yeah, it’s amazing.

LEAH: Assuming that your husband performs oral sex on you, how do you feel about the smell, taste or feeling of your own juices if he kisses you after oral sex?

INEZ: I actually hate oral sex.

LEAH: How do you feel when a partner tells you what they like or what they want?

INEZ: I think that I kind of don’t give a fuck what you want like this is about me because I know you’re going to get off, I won’t get off so let’s focus on me.

LEAH: Do you tend to orgasm quickly or take a long time?

INEZ: Well, I’ve never ever orgasmed with a partner, ever. But when solo, I probably take longer than

average.

LEAH: What do you think average is?

INEZ: I don’t know, five to ten minutes.

LEAH: So it takes you what, like twenty?

INEZ: Yeah, I’d say so.

LEAH: I think there are people all over the spectrum but I don’t think that’s unusual.

INEZ: Okay.

LEAH: So you said you never ever had an orgasm with a partner. Does that include when you’re touching yourself? Like you mentioned sometimes you’ll touch yourself while your husband kisses you.

INEZ: Yeah, so it’s rare if I do climax during that period. So I have when I’m the one controlling it but definitely never, ever from penetration. There has to be clitoral stimulation.

LEAH: Again, something that is totally normal. I’m the same way. In fact, with my current partner, we have PIV and penis in vagina sex sometimes but it’s not our primary thing because we both have other ways we enjoy getting off and I don’t get off during PIV sex at all. That’s actually not abnormal at all.

INEZ: Yeah, it’s unfortunate. [LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Well, I think it’s unfortunate because there’s a cultural narrative that that’s the way it’s supposed to be.

INEZ: Right, right. You and I said this before we started talking, but I’m really glad that you are opening up a platform for these conversations because particularly me living in the middle of nowhere like nobody talks about this unless it’s at a Passion Party, which I had and ironically had the highest sales for this gal which was awesome, I got a lot of product.

[LAUGHTER]

INEZ: But yeah, it’s just I’m really glad that we can take this mainstream and change that narrative.

LEAH: Thank you so much. I am just in awe of how you’ve shown up today and how willing you have been to just share all of the really, really hard stuff so thank you so much for doing this.

INEZ: Yeah, thank you for holding this space for me. LEAH: Absolutely.

[MUSIC]

LEAH: Thanks for joining me today on Good Girls Talk About Sex. If you have questions or comments about anything you’ve heard or if you’d like to be a guest on the show, please email me at leah@goodgirlstalkaboutsex.com.

I was only able to step outside my good girl box when someone I respected told me it was possible to do it. If you’d like to step outside your good girl box, I’m here to tell you it’s possible to do it. And I can provide you with tools to name your desires and communicate them effectively to your partner or potential partners. If you’re interested in working with me, visit leahcarey.com/coaching. You can find me on Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube at IamLeahCarey. You can find these links and any resources we’ve mentioned during the interview in the Show Notes.

I’m Leah Carey and I look forward to talking with you again next week. Here’s to your better sex life! [MUSIC]

Here are some of the great moments she shared with us:

  • 5:40 – How it felt as an adult to tell her father about childhood sexual abuse
  • 8:50 – The culture difference around sex between the Midwest of the United States vs. the west coast
  • 12:33 – Discovering she was pregnant while on drugs
  • 18:00 – How weight fluctuations affect her experience of sexuality
  • 29:50 – How a partner having short stamina can be desirable for a survivor of sexual abuse
  • 31:30 – How her partner violated consent and led to her feeling unsafe and cutting off sexual contact
  • 39:05 – The Quick 5

The Patreon extras for this episode are:

  • At the $5/month level, Inez talks about the difficult relationship she had with her mother and stepfather and the effect that has on how she parents her own children.
  • At the $7/month level, that conversation plus 20-plus Q&A questions in 10 minutes.
  • At the $10/month level, all that plus a monthly Ask Me Anything!

If you like this show, please leave a rating and review at https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-girls-talk-about-sex/id1436501617?mt=2.

Want to be on the show? Visit www.leahcarey.com/guest and let me know that you’re interested. I’d love to talk with you!

To learn about Sexual Communication Coaching, visit www.leahcarey.com/coaching

Host – Leah Carey (Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, email)

Editor – Gretchen Kilby

Music by – Nazar Rybak