Jane is a 36-year-old, cisgender woman who describes herself as white, heteroflexible, monogamous and with a partner of three years.

Jane went to Catholic School while she was growing up in Scotland and in her family she learned that certain topics should never be discussed – including sex.

Major themes in this episode include difficulty in communicating about sex, body image and sex, and exploring BDSM.

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT (CLICK TO OPEN)

LEAH: Hi, I’m Leah Carey and this is Good Girls Talk About Sex. This is a place to share conversations with all sorts of women about their experience of sexuality. Before we get started, I want to tell you this. These are unfiltered conversations between adult women talking about sex. If anything about the previous sentence offends you, turn back now! And if you’re looking for a trigger warning, you’re not going to get it from me. I believe that you are stronger than the trauma you have experienced. I have faith in your ability to deal with the things that upset you. Sound good? Let’s start the show!

[MUSIC]

LEAH: In today’s episode, we’ll meet Jane, a 36 year old cisgender woman who describes herself as white, heteroflexible, monogamous, and with a partner of three years. Jane went to Catholic school while she was growing up in Scotland and in her family she learned that certain topics should never be discussed including sex. I want to note that I didn’t go searching for stories of BDSM for this year, but it kept cropping up in interviews even when I wasn’t expecting it.

If you’re interested in bringing elements of beginner BDSM into your relationship and you’d like some help navigating that process, I’m available to coach you one on one or as a couple. You can find information at leahcarey.com/coaching. I’m so pleased to introduce Jane!

Jane, I’m so excited to talk to you. Thank you so much for doing this with me today.

JANE: Thank you. I’m very excited to talk about my sex life. It’s not something I talk about very much so thank you.

LEAH: Excellent.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: That’s exactly how I like it.

[LAUGHTER]

JANE: This could be a first time for a lot of these, which is great because it’s needed. It’s needed.

LEAH: Excellent. Well let’s dive right now. How did you discover sex?

JANE: I can vaguely remember. When I was young, playing with Barbie’s, with my cousin, and she was a year older than me and I feel like she brought it up. And I don’t know how she had heard about it and I’m trying to think how old, we would not have been old. We were maybe I don’t know, 7? 8? And I don’t even really remember what she said or what the conversation was but I do just remember it coming up. And that’s kind of the first recollection I have of someone mentioning that. Yeah, I think that’s it.

LEAH: Was it at the time do you remember it being like a sort of titillating conversation like giggling behind your hands or was it like the grownups do this weird thing? What was the feeling of the conversation?

JANE: It was like the grownups do this weird thing. [LAUGHTER]

JANE: So it wasn’t like a funny “Hahaha”, it was more like, “Oh, okay. I’m not sure how I feel about that.” Yeah.

LEAH: Do you remember the first time that you encountered the idea of sex in a way that was sort of titillating for you?

JANE: So I must have been maybe around 10, 11 years old and kind of seeing this boy in my class and liking him and kind of knowing that there were feelings there. And thinking about him in a somewhat very PG sexual way, right?

[LAUGHTER]

JANE: Like maybe I was with him and we were in our underwear, but that’s it. No boobs, no penis. [LAUGHTER]

JANE: Just that’s how as far as it went.

LEAH: Were you kissing at that point?

JANE: Yup.

LEAH: Oh, wow. Okay.

JANE: I would not say big massive French kisses.

[LAUGHTER]

JANE: But yeah, definitely. I wasn’t with him. It was just someone that it liked so this was more of a fantasy.

LEAH: Oh, so you weren’t actually kissing him in your underwear? JANE: No, no.

LEAH: This was what you were thinking about?

JANE: This is what I was thinking about, yeah. I was a bit of I guess a late bloomer in the kissing world. I hadn’t quite done that until I was a couple years into high school but there was a lot of prep in my head of how that would go.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: I recognize that. I didn’t have my first kiss until I was 17 but that was preceded of about 4 years of intense fantasy and curiosity about what it would be like.

JANE: Definitely. I think I was maybe 13, 14 when I had my first kiss which most of my other friends had so I was kind of a late bloomer at that point.

LEAH: Did you enjoy it?

JANE: Yes, actually. Thankfully for me, he was a decent kisser. I was nervous as fuck like dear God, I

remember shaking. [LAUGHTER]

JANE: But it was nice and he was a very nice guy from the 10 minutes that I talked to him before we made out. He seemed like a nice guy and then I met him a couple of other times after that and he definitely was, so thankfully for me, my first kiss was actually a good one.

LEAH: Yeah, nice. So as people will be able to tell from your accent, you grew up in a different country. [LAUGHTER]

JANE: Yes, I did.

LEAH: So I’m curious. I have a few questions about this. What country did you grow up in first of all and what were the social conversations that happened around sex and sexuality in that culture?

JANE: Sure. So I was born and raised in Scotland. I don’t live there anymore so I would say my accent’s definitely died down a little bit, hopefully people can understand what I’m saying. And also a big part of my growing up is I was raised Catholic, not something I continue to practice at all but I think for this conversation, it’s an important factor. Relationships, sex was just not something that was brought up and not because my parents were strict Catholic at all. They weren’t. My mom was, my dad had also been raised that way. They sent me to Catholic school because they liked the school but my grandparents were Catholic and the rest of my family, a lot of them were practicing so yeah, sex just never really came up for my parents because their parents had never really talked about it. So it just wasn’t a thing to talk about.

It was an awkward, uncomfortable conversation that people avoided. And it was also none of your business. You wouldn’t have a conversation with your girlfriend about that because you kind of felt that you would be intruding on their privacy so you never really asked questions about other people’s sex lives. It just wasn’t talked about.

And then in terms of education, because I went to a Catholic school, the school wasn’t great around it either. Of course, high school we’re all rampant teenagers that are dying to have sex or some of them had and I just feel, and not to beat my school down, it’s a great school in all other aspects and there’s amazing teachers there, but they just really did us a disservice in that. And I hope it’s changed. We’re talking many years ago and I hope that’s changed but there really wasn’t much. We were taught Sex Ed from our religious education teachers.

LEAH: Oh wow. JANE: Yes.

LEAH: That was one of my questions. What did Sex Ed look like for you? What did you learn in those classes?

JANE: Honestly, it was probably just a couple of classes. It wasn’t even a lot. We were just basically kind of told about the process and then how we should do it until we’re ready and then we meet someone. In hindsight, it’s not bad advice, right?

[LAUGHHTER]

JANE: But it was almost like, “It’s wrong to do it at your age, your teenage years, it’s wrong.” They were pro-life of course there was a lot of talk around. Well, there wasn’t a lot of talk around contraception and what you could do but it was more like, “Don’t have an abortion because that’s wrong. Don’t necessarily go on the pill because it’s just not done.” Yeah, it wasn’t very in depth from what I

remember. It was an awkward conversation for religious education teachers to have. Actually now, looking back, I feel quite sorry for that teacher that she had to do that.

[LAUGHTER]

JANE: She probably wasn’t very well trained in that so I don’t also want to blame her at all. Though looking back, I kind of wish they had given us more prep on contraception, where to go, who to talk to, what to do if someone sexually assaults you, there was no talk of that. So I mean most of my Sex Ed in the end came from a teenage magazine called just Seventeen at the time and then as I grew up, there was Cosmo and then TV shows like Sex and the City.

LEAH: All of which were excellent sources for really clear helpful sexual information. JANE: Right?

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Yeah.

JANE: Yeah, not the best. But at least it was something. LEAH: It was something.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: What did you see in your childhood home with your parents? Did you see them being affectionate? Did you understand that there was something that happened when they went into their bedroom behind closed doors?

JANE: So no, I didn’t see them being affectionate at all. I love my parents very much and thankfully, they’re still together but they got married very young because they fell pregnant with me and I think there was a lot of tension in the beginning. And it wasn’t like your kind of normal, lovey dovey, relationship. It was more there was a kid involved so they had to be together. Not that they didn’t have sex. I’m pretty sure they probably did.

[LAUGHTER]

JANE: Well, I have two younger brothers so they clearly did. [LAUGHTER]

JANE: But yeah, I never really thought about it, I guess when I was really young. Yeah, it was just one of those things that I just didn’t really think about mostly because I didn’t feel when I was young that they were in a loving relationship. I mean I could be wrong, they could maybe just be very private about it but I don’t think so. Yeah, so I never really thought too much like, “Oh, what’s happening in there?” Just my mom got pregnant and I figured out it must have happened at some point.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: You mentioned that they were very young when they got pregnant with you. Did that play into the conversation with you at all about “You better be careful” or “You’re not allowed to date boys until”?

JANE: There really wasn’t a conversation like that. I mean there didn’t have to be because I could just sense like my dad is not a very open, emotional person. That’s not something he would sit down and talk to you about. But if I ever was dating a boy in high school and they came over to my house, my mom would say, “If you guys are in the bedroom, you keep the door open. Make sure the door’s open.” So that was literally it. That was all that was ever kind of said.

And then it wasn’t until when I left high school and was about to go to university, I was dating someone and it was probably more of my serious boyfriends. And we had decided that we wanted to go away for the weekend. So at that point in time when I started dating him, I thought I should go see about going on the pill. So I just went on my own and I don’t remember how I knew where to go. I think I knew it. There was what we called a family planning clinic. There was one in my town.

Actually, I may have gone there with my mom when I was younger, when she had gone on the pill, so I think that’s why I knew what it was. So I just made an appointment and went and got on the pill and it was really funny. I remember kind of packing to go on this trip with my boyfriend and my mom kind of awkwardly coming to the door and she’s like, “If you’re going on this trip, then maybe you should consider going on the pill.” And I went, “It’s already done.” And she’s like, “Oh, okay then.” And then she walked away.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Like, “Whew, awkward conversation done.”

JANE: Like she didn’t have to do that, so she was like, “Yes, I’m off the hook. Thankfully my daughter’s smart enough to figure that stuff out herself.”

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: So one of the things that I’m interested in talking a lot about this season is how our relationship with our body affects our relationship with sex? So what kinds of messages did you get around your body and how you looked?

JANE: Thankfully for me, I wasn’t bad looking as I never really had trouble finding a boyfriend or dating which I think was also a bit of a downside. But I wouldn’t go so far as to say popular, but there was interest for sure from boys, so that was never really an issue.

But then I think as I started move more into my 20s, my actual body and how I looked, I became more influenced around working out and make sure that I would stay fit. I would do yoga and then I would eventually do yoga to train so that became my way of looking after my body. And I think it was in my 20s it was fine, but then as soon as my 30s hit, I started to gain weight. I struggled to keep weight off or have to work out a lot harder. I think I would actually see my sex life suffer more in my 30s. And it suffered in my 30s because I can’t stay as fit as I was in my 20s and it actually really affects me even right now that I still struggle with that. I struggle with it now more than when I was younger.

LEAH: And to clarify, is the struggle because your body is uncomfortable or because you’re uncomfortable with how you look and how your partner would see you?

JANE: I’m uncomfortable with how I look, yup. LEAH: And what do you hear from your partner? JANE: I mean I think he thinks I’m crazy. [LAUGHTER]

JANE: I don’t think it’s an issue for him at all but we have talked about it, which is great. And he’s very great to have those conversations with. He’s always very open and he knows that right now, I feel like I don’t have a lot of self esteem so yeah, he still loves me the way I am and he’ll tell me that.

[LAUGHTER]

JANE: But at the same time, he doesn’t want to go on because he doesn’t want to make me feel like he’s just saying that or make me feel worse because he knows right now I’m in a weird place that I’m struggling with accepting myself.

LEAH: And so how does that specifically show up? When you’re in the middle of making out or having a sexual interaction with him, does it cause you to pull back literally or what are the thoughts that are going on in your head?

JANE: It doesn’t cause me to pull back but in my mind like I feel like I can’t be in that moment because I feel like my belly’s too big and he’s probably noticing that even though he is not. He does not care in that moment.

[LAUGHTER]

JANE: So yeah, I’m thinking of that. I’m thinking, “My thighs are too big.” I won’t put on lingerie, which is something I find fun and love doing, but it’s just something that I’m not been able to do lately because I don’t feel like I look good in it anymore. So having that kind of fun has been something that has slept because I don’t feel good about myself.

LEAH: I remember when I was going through my sexual journey or journey of sexual exploration, I thought I wanted to find some cute lingerie or underwear and I didn’t think women my size were allowed to wear that. At size 14, I thought that that was something that if you have a belly and thighs, that it wasn’t even made for women like me. And I went into a Macy’s and I found the most wonderful woman who thankfully was actually larger than me and was incredibly sexy, and so when I said to her, “I’m scared that I’m not supposed to wear this.” She was able to be like, “Oh, honey.”

JANE: That’s amazing. [LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Yeah, I mean I know that shouldn’t matter but the fact that she was larger than me and presented as a sexy woman made all the difference for me to be able to actually try stuff on and choose something.

JANE: That’s amazing. It’s funny because when I look at other women, I love when they have big thighs and they have that confidence, or if their boobs are a bit bigger. I’m pretty petite but yes, I still beat myself up. But I never judge other women when I see someone in lovely lingerie or something, I think, “Oh my God, they look amazing. They look amazing.”

But I still hate myself. So it’s interesting and I mean I’m not overweight. There’s like these daunting, I call them the mind dementors, because I can suffer a lot from anxiety and when these types of thoughts come in and they just don’t come in in my sex life. They come in in my career and they come in in lots of different areas. But when they come in, they’re so rooted that even though I know that the thought that I’m having is stupid and crazy, I believe them. I believe these dementors over anything.

[MUSIC]

LEAH: Are you craving more open and honest conversations about female sexuality? Become a community supporter at Patreon and unlock lots more of Good Girls Talk About Sex. At the 5 dollar a month level, Jane talks about how her relationship with BDSM activities changed as her feelings for her

partner grew and deepened. At the 7 dollar a month level, it’s 18 minutes of Q and A. And as always, at the 10 dollar a month level, you’ll get all of that plus a monthly ask me anything.

Plus, for Season 2, 10% of all Patreon donations I receive will go to ARC-Southeast, an organization that provides financial and logistical support for people seeking reproductive health services in Southeastern United States where safe services are being legislated out of existence. To learn more and become a community supporter, visit patreon.com/GoodGIrlsTalkAboutSex. And as always, I love it when you want to share this show with your friends. Please, if you know somebody who would be interested in Jane’s story, share this episode with them and thanks!

[MUSIC]

LEAH: I recently, just a few months ago, started going to the gym and I don’t go that often, maybe once or twice a week. But I was really nervous about starting to go because I was nervous that if my body started to change, if it got a little bit tighter or I lost some weight, that my partner would comment on it and tell me, “You look great” and then I would think that in order for him to continue to love me, I had to maintain that body. And what if I couldn’t? And so I specifically said to him before I started going, “Here’s the deal. If I do this, I need you to never, ever, ever say anything to me about my body.” And he was like, “Okay.”

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: And to me that feels good. It would be lovely to have that kind of affirmation and validation of, “Oh you look great.” But the downside of it I think is so much further down than the upside of hearing, “You look good” would be for me.

JANE: Yeah, I think that’s actually a great thing to do and I never thought of that. But one thing my partner had said to me is when I think at one point he brought up, “Oh, you don’t wear the lingerie anymore. I love when you do that.” And then we had the conversation of how I was feeling that I was struggling with how I looked and he said, “You know I’m sorry if I brought up the lingerie like I won’t’ do that. When you’re ready to hear that again then that’s great, but don’t feel pressured.”

LEAH: It sounds like he’s really supportive of where you are. JANE: Yes, very. I’m lucky.

LEAH: Let’s talk a little bit about your current relationship and so what is sex like in your current relationship?

JANE: I can start from the start. It was amazing and we were incredibly attracted to one another because I was looking for someone who was a bit outside the box. Most of my relationships were just very, I don’t want to say boring sex, but the sex wasn’t super exciting.

[LAUGHTER]

JANE: It’s kind of the same scene. When you get into a relationship and you’re either on your back or you’re on top and that kind of only two things that happen.

[LAUGHTER]

JANE: And I had always, I feel looking back, even in my late teens, always craved more. But I didn’t know or really understand what that would be or look like.

LEAH: Were you already having sex at that point? JANE: I was, yes.

LEAH: And you were wanting the sex to be different than it was but you didn’t know how to quantify that?

JANE: Exactly. So yeah, it wasn’t exciting. It wasn’t bad. It wasn’t exciting. As time went on, for the first few years that I had partners, I don’t even think I orgasmed with them. I basically had to masturbate or even use my vibrator for that to happen and then eventually I found a partner where I did orgasm so that was a step up like “Woohoo, yay!”

[LAUGHTER]

JANE: So mid-20s, actually started having orgasms while having sex. That was great. And but then as that relationship went on, I just found that there was something missing. I needed more. But I didn’t know what. Of course, I didn’t want to bring it up with that particular partner who I’m sure would have been open to that conversation, but I just wasn’t. That was the problem.

Then that ended and then I dated for a while and found a couple of people where I had more fun with. But they were short term. They weren’t relationships. It was just kind of having fun, which was fine at the time but I knew I wanted a relationship as well. So I was trying to find that balance of someone who I could have more kinkier, fun sex with but have a long term relationship so thankfully, I found that person. And so we were pretty attracted and just through a dating site and we were very attracted to each other and had lots of sex in the beginning.

[LAUGHTER]

JANE: Which is still amazing and it still is amazing when it happens but as I see, I’m now going through this whole point where I’m struggling with myself and it wasn’t there when we first met. So because of that, things happened in that as sexual as they had been, but I feel like thankfully again, he’s incredibly

supportive and he’s always open to talking about, “Do I want something different? Do I want to try something new?” It has been amazing to have someone like that because I never did. I never did and yeah, it’s again, things are suffering because I’m struggling with myself.

So hopefully, as time goes on, we’re trying to talk through it and get back to, not exactly back obviously we were in the honeymoon phase in the beginning where there was a lot of sex, but even just get back to me feeling better about myself so we can have more fun.

LEAH: So we before we started recording, you had mentioned that you have some challenges around communicating about what you want. Can you talk a little bit about that?

JANE: Yeah. I’m not sure where it stemmed from but I guess it probably just came from my upbringing and sex being something that wasn’t really talked about and I still struggle with that even though I openly talk to my friends. If they have issues with their sex life and they want to have that conversation, I’m happy to kind of open up a little bit about my own as long as my partner’s okay with that.

But I just still sometimes struggle with talking about what I want because I have this fear and I remember us having this conversation, my partner and I, that I was just, “I’m terrified you’re going to leave me.” And it’s never happened to me where I eventually brought something up that I wanted to do and the guy has left for me that. It’s never happened so I’m not sure why I feel that way.

But I think in general, I’ve been someone who was just always told to mind your own business, don’t poke your nose in other people’s business, don’t talk about things that shouldn’t be talked about like sex, money, death, whatever, don’t talk about those things because you don’t want other people to feel uncomfortable. Be the good girl, right? And don’t have those conversations because people don’t want to talk about that. And of course, they do. Of course they want to talk about it.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Yeah, so if you felt more comfortable saying out loud what you wanted, what kinds of things would you say to him?

JANE: That’s a great question. I mean I think we’re almost at the stage of what I wanted, which was just to have a lot more kinkier sex and maybe kind of try out some BDSM as well. But yeah, when I first met him and we could do things like that, it was great but I was nervous because I didn’t really know what I liked and what I didn’t like. And I didn’t want to turn him down and say I didn’t like something if he liked it. So that’s kind of where the struggle came.

Thankfully, as our relationship has grown, I feel like I can say that but if he asks me, “Is there something new that you want to try?” I kind of feel like, “I don’t know, I don’t know if there is.” And I kind of retract because I get nervous and shy and then I feel like, “What I say something is wrong or if I say something that he doesn’t like? What if I upset him or if it’s something really embarrassing and he leaves me?”

So yeah, I mean I think I would like to do more BDSM for sure and he knows that. We’ve talked about that. I think we’ve kind of talked about everything lately but there was a struggle in the beginning for me to say, “I do want that and I don’t want that.” One thing I was very upfront about is that I don’t like anal sex so I don’t want to go there. We’ve had that conversation thankfully and he’s been very respectful of that but there’s so much out there that we could probably try and I’m a little, skeptical is not the right word, but I’m too scared to try it even though I’m’ with someone who would probably be very open.

LEAH: So if I can just switch into my coaching hat for a moment. Everything that you’re saying are things that I hear from clients all the time. You are not even remotely alone in these fears and this discomfort in talking about the things that you want.

And one thing the BDSM community does incredibly well is conversation and negotiation. And so that community, for everyone who’s interested, who’s listening to this, if you’re interested in exploring some BDSM, something I highly recommend is googling “BDSM Yes, No, Maybe Checklist.” But what it is, is a thing for each partner to fill out saying, “Yes, I’m interested in this. No, this is a hard red line, I never want to do this and this is something I might consider.”

And then the partners can compare the list and say, “Okay, if there’s something that’s a hard red no for one of the partners then it’s off the table. But if there’s something that’s a really big interest for one and a maybe for the other, then we can sort of negotiate about whether that’s something that we want to try or not. How big a desire is it and how big of a maybe is it? And then if there’s something that’s a Yes for both, awesome!”

[LAUGHTER] JANE: Then do it.

LEAH: Then try it. And it’s okay if one or both of you don’t like it, you can then say like you have a communication grid or rubric now that you can use to say, “Now what? That just moved from my Yes list to my Maybe, Not really, No.”

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: And so I’ve been really intrigued by these “Yes, No, Maybe checklists” and been disappointed by the fact that it was very hard to find one that was for more “vanilla” couples like for couples who aren’t really interested in going into that next level, but still want that ability to fill lout that Yes, No, Maybe List and compare it with their partner and like, ”Are you into anal sex? Are you into public displays of affection? Do you like to cuddle?” All that stuff, so I created one.

JANE: Amazing.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: So I will send that to you and I will make that available to all of the listeners. Listen at the end and I will tell you how to download that.

JANE: That’s awesome.

LEAH: My work as a sexual communication coach is all about this because none of us learned how to

communicate about this stuff.

JANE: We really didn’t. I don’t know where in the curriculum in high school you can fit that in.

[LAUGHTER]

JANE: Or I don’t know someone can send the parents a sheet on what to talk about or something. That would be great.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Even the best Sex Education, at least in the United States, even the best Sex Education is basically disease and pregnancy prevention. It’s not about how to communicate and how to identify your desires and advocate for yourself and all of those things.

[MUSIC]

LEAH: Before we finish up, let’s do the Quick Five. Five quick questions we’d usually be too polite to ask any good girl.

[MUSIC]

LEAH: Do you have hair down there or are you bare?

JANE: It depends on if I can be bothered with shaving – sometimes it’s shaven, sometimes it’s not. [LAUGHTER]

JANE: Yeah, it depends on my schedule.

LEAH: When you shave, do you shave all the way?

JANE: Yeah, usually, I try so here’s a funny thing. I wear glasses. I don’t know if you experience this, I attempt to shave all the way and then I get out of the shower and I put my glasses on.

[LAUGHTER]

JANE: And it’s a freaking disaster.

LEAH: That’s hilarious.

[LAUGHTER]

JANE: And I hate getting waxed.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: What’s the kinkiest thing you enjoy?

JANE: I like being tied up, yeah. Kind of losing that control factor because I think I’m a bit of a control freak in my day to day life so I like someone else having that control.

LEAH: Do you enjoy tying your partner up yourself or just going one way?

JANE: Just the one way I think is preferred because again, it’s just the moment when I can give away

control and it’s almost like a relief. But if he wanted to be tied up, I’d be happy to give it a go. [LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Do you squirt?

JANE: No.

LEAH: Do you have any desire for that or do you feel any pressure to do it?

JANE: No pressure for sure. I have maybe twice in my life and it was incredibly rough and long sex before that had to happen so I think it would just take, it was kind of painful sex but not that I didn’t tolerate it, I kind of enjoyed it but it took a long time for that to happen. It was kind of a shock to me because I was kind of convinced that I probably couldn’t because I hadn’t. So yeah, I have but it doesn’t happen often.

LEAH: How do you feel when your partner can’t get or loses an erection?

JANE: That’s something I struggle with and I know I shouldn’t because I know it’s not me if it happens but it’s hard to try and turn it around, “I do I think I’ve done something wrong. Am I not attractive enough?” But that’s my own dementors coming back, yeah.

LEAH: I love that concept of the dementors. I actually wrote it down. As a huge Harry Potter fan that is something that I can really relate to like, “This is something that is outside of me that is tormenting me.”

JANE: And yeah like it sucks.

LEAH: It sucks your life force.

JANE: It sucks your life force, exactly.

LEAH: I get that a lot. Do you tend to orgasm quickly or take a long time? JANE: I take forever.

[LAUGHTER]

JANE: Honest to God, forever. I need to probably have sex to get the first one done and then go again, I might orgasm on the second one. But it’s the second time having sex and the one go. So we could have sex, rest for a bit, then if he’s ready to go again if he wants to, then we go and then I would probably orgasm the second time around.

LEAH: I see, so you won’t orgasm during the first go round? JANE: It’s very rare.

LEAH: And how do you feel if you have a sex session without an orgasm? Do you feel unsatisfied or is that just sort of part of the course?

JANE: I don’t necessarily worry too much if I don’t orgasm. If I really feel like I want to, I’ll pull out the vibrator and be like, “Okay, come on. Finish me off.” But sometimes I don’t feel like I need to and I’m okay with that.

LEAH: Well Jane, this has been an absolute pleasure. Thank you so much for taking the time to do this and for being so open and generous with your stories.

JANE: Thank you. Thank you for having this podcast. It’s needed, so needed, it’s been educating for me so thank you.

[MUSIC]

LEAH: Earlier in this conversation, I mentioned the “Yes, No, Maybe List” that I have available for you to download. The “Yes, No, Maybe checklist” is an amazing tool to open conversation with a lover

especially when you’ve been falling into a rut and want to shake things up or if you’re playing with a new partner and want to get the most tout of your time together. Not only will it help you begin conversations about new adventures you might like to have, it might give you some ideas you’ve never considered before. You can get the checklist at leahcarey.com/checklist. That link will be on the Show Notes and I would love to hear how it works for you. Let me know!

Thanks for joining me today on Good Girls Talk About Sex. If you have questions or comments about anything you’ve heard or if you’d like to be a guest on the show, please email me at leah@goodgirlstalkaboutsex.com.

I was only able to step outside my good girl box when someone I respected told me it was possible to do it. If you’d like to step outside your good girl box, I’m here to tell you it’s possible and I can provide with tools to name your desires and communicate them effectively to your partner or potential partners. If you’re interested in working with me, visit leahcarey.com/coaching. You can find me on Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube at IamLeahCarey. You can find these links and any resources we’ve mentioned during the interview in the Show Notes. I’m Leah Carey and I look forward to talking with you again next week. Here’s to your better sex life!

[MUSIC]

Here are some of the great moments she shared with us:

  • 9:00 – The meager sex ed classes Jane received in Catholic school
  • 14:00 – How Jane found access to contraception
  • 15:30 – Jane’s relationship to her body and how it has changed over time
  • 21:30 – Jane’s personal “Dementors” and how they impact every aspect of her life
  • 25:00 – Jane’s struggles with communicating with partners about body image issues
  • 30:00 – Difficulty communicating about sex and her desires
  • 32:00 – Jane and her partner’s explorations into kinkier sex and BDSM
  • 34:00 – Navigating communication around BDSM activities, including Leah’s Yes / No / Maybe checklist that’s available for download at www.leahcarey.com/checklist

The Quick 5:

  • 37:52 – Do you have hair down there or are you bare?
  • 38:33 – What’s the kinkiest thing you enjoy?
  • 39:14 – Do you squirt?
  • 40:05 – How do you feel when your partner can’t get – or loses – an erection?
  • 41:00 – Do you tend to orgasm quickly or take a long time?

The Patreon extras for this episode are:

  • At the $5/month level, Jane talks about feeling undereducated when she began experimenting with BDSM and how her relationship with BDSM activities changed as her feelings for her partner grew and deepened.
  • At the $7/month level, it’s 18 minutes of Q&A!
  • And, as always, at the $10/month level, you’ll get all that plus a monthly Ask Me Anything.

To join the Patreon community, visit www.patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex

You can download the Yes / No / Maybe checklist at: www.leahcarey.com/checklist

If you like this show, please leave a rating and review at https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-girls-talk-about-sex/id1436501617?mt=2.

Want to be on the show? Visit www.leahcarey.com/guest and let me know that you’re interested. I’d love to talk with you!

To learn about Sexual Communication Coaching, visit www.leahcarey.com/coaching

Host – Leah Carey (Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, email)

Editor – Gretchen Kilby

Music by – Nazar Rybak