Yami opens up about a variety of common though not-commonly-talked-about subjects: sexual assault by a family member, and navigating polyamory.

Yami is a 23-year-old, cisgender female who describes herself as bisexual and heteroromantic, in a relationship and exploring opening up with her partner. She describes her body shape as “a few extra pounds.”

Public service announcement: It is not your job to not be assaulted. Especially as a younger person, you shouldn’t even need to know how to not be assaulted.

Term to learn: Compersion is feeling pleasure when your partner is experiencing pleasure.

Bookmark moments:

  • 4:54 – Yami remembers being about 6 years old, and exploring with another young girl.
  • 7:27 – She shares her timeline of growing up in the Dominican Republic before moving to the US.
  • 9:16 – She’s a little obsessed with getting her period, though there’s no sex talk at home; she discovers masturbation on her own, then loses her virginity under pressure.
  • 15:30 – Yami’s second sexual experience is also non-consensual; she is raped by an older family member. She withdraws from her friends, and a long period that follows is a blur.
  • 29:00 – A couple years later, she is alone in a room with a guy for the first time and is finally able to feel safe. A serious boyfriend after that is able to conquer intimate touch with her, but he is a manipulator and a cheater. She gets an STI.
  • 35:57 – After lots of hard experience, her current boyfriend totally pleases her. They have loads of great sex and have been exploring swinging and play partners. They’re now open to exploring polyamorous relationships even further, on an emotional and more dedicated level.
  • 42:42 – Yami talks about sexual boundaries with other parties—how they’ve navigated them in the past, and what they might look like around potential future engagements.

The Lowdown (46:41)

  • Do you enjoy having your breasts played with?
  • Can you orgasm from intercourse alone without additional stimulation?
  • Do you prefer the orgasm from masturbating, or from sex with another person?
  • What kind of touch do you enjoy most?
  • How do you feel about your partner watching porn?

The Patreon extras for this episode are:

  • Yami talks more about dealing with chlamydia – getting the diagnosis, the treatment, and the after effects.
  • Negotiating boundaries in new sexual situations, and how she and her boyfriend find a third person to play with (when there’s not a pandemic!)
  • Extended Lowdown Q&A

ALL audio extras are now FREE for everyone!!!!!  They can be accessed at www.patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex.  If you’d like to support the work I do, you can make a monthly contribution at that site.

Book a PJ Party!!!  All the info and registrations are at www.leahcarey.com/pjparty

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Host – Leah Carey (website, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, email)

Audio Editor – Gretchen Kilby

Music – Nazar Rybak

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

(Click the “CC” button next to the player for a downloadable version)

[MUSIC]

LEAH: Welcome to Good Girls Talk About Sex. I’m sex educator and sexual communication coach Leah Carey and this is a place to share conversations with all sorts of women about their experience of sexuality. These are unfiltered conversations between adult women talking about sex. If anything about the previous sentence offends you, turn back now! And if you’re looking for a trigger warning, you’re not going to get it from me. I believe that you are stronger than the trauma you have experienced. I have faith in your ability to deal with things that upset you. Sound good? Let’s start the show!

[MUSIC]

LEAH: Hey friends. Today we’ll meet Yami, a 23 year old cisgender female who describes herself as Hispanic, bisexual and heteroromantic, in a relationship, and previously monogamous but exploring with her partner about opening up the relationship. She describes her body as being curvy with a few extra pounds. She grew up in the United States and the Dominican Republic.

People often ask me how I’m able to hear so many stories about coercion, assault, abuse and stay in a space of calm compassion without experiencing some secondary effects of trauma like depression. There are a lot of factors involved, maybe someday I’ll do a solo episode about this. I believe a primary factor is the amount of internal work I’ve done. Getting upset at hearing someone else’s story is often a signal that there is unhealed trauma within ourselves getting triggered.

For instance, if I hear a woman’s story about getting date raped and I have unhealed trauma about assault in my own background, I’m not just responding to her story. I’m also laying all of the details and emotions of my own experience into hers and responding to my story as well.

I have been actively working on healing my own trauma for the past 15 years. I’m not done, not by a long shot. But I’ve done enough to be able to sit with others in their pain and not lay my own pain on top of it. And that’s important in these conversations. Part of why people feel comfortable telling me their stories is that I give them a place where they can climb down the muck while I provide them a safe anchor for them to return to. Me getting upset would actually make them less safe to tell their stories.

But for some reason, Yami’s story broke through all of that. For the first time during one of these interviews, I got really angry as I listened to her story. And in this episode, you’ll hear me respond in a way I haven’t before including wishing I could punch someone on her behalf. Why did her story touch a nerve for me? I’m not actually sure yet but I clearly have some digging to do so that I can find that bit of unhealed trauma and get to work on it. So I’ll get started on that while you listen to this episode. I am so pleased to introduce Yami!

Thank you so much for joining me today for the podcast. One of my favorite things is when listeners get in touch and say they want to do an interview. So thank you!

[LAUGHTER]

YAMI: Thank you for having me.

LEAH: Yeah. Absolutely. How did you find the podcast?

YAMI: I just searched up on Apple something in regards to girls talking about sex and this was the third one that showed up and it was my favorite.

LEAH: Awesome. I’m so glad you’re here.

[LAUGHTER]

YAMI: I’m so glad I found it.

LEAH: So let’s start where I start every interview which is what is your first memory of sexual pleasure?

YAMI: I was thinking about this one. I wouldn’t be sure if I would classify it as sexual pleasure but the first time I ever remember encountering anything sexually, I was about six years old and I had a female friend and she asked me to pull down my pants and then she was just touching me in my vagina and she was younger than me, so that was a very interesting thing to think about it. And at the moment, I didn’t know exactly what was happening but that’s the first memory I have of anything sexually.

LEAH: Yeah. When you were a little girl, did it strike you as strange or was it just like, “Oh, it’s a thing that we do as little girls”?

YAMI: It was very weird. I didn’t know what to expect. It felt wrong. I knew that if my mom would walk in, she would be upset about it because I was always taught not to let anyone touch me in my private parts. So when it happened, I was just in shock but I also trusted her because she was my friend so I didn’t feel good. It felt a little bit strange and wrong.

LEAH: And did it happen that once or did it happen more?

YAMI: Only that once that I could remember. I don’t have many memories of when I was younger but that’s one of the very few memories that I could remember.

LEAH: Yeah, I don’t have a lot of memories either and that can be a little disconcerting sometimes.

YAMI: Yeah.

LEAH: Do you remember if she also pulled down her pants and asked you to touch her?

YAMI: I don’t remember that part at all.

LEAH: Okay. What were you hearing in your childhood home? So I heard you said that nobody should touch you in your private parts. What were you hearing about consensual sex if anything?

YAMI: Nothing at all. I’ve never ever had the sex talk. Never.

LEAH: Wow.

YAMI: Yeah. I’ve never spoken about sex with my mom or anyone in my family ever.

LEAH: Wow. So how were you supposed to learn about sex?

YAMI: I learned that in school with my friends.

[LLAUGHTER]

YAMI: That’s it. Yeah.

LEAH: So you said you grew up partially here in the U.S. and partially in the Dominican Republic, where were you at different parts of your childhood?

YAMI: For most of my life, I was in the Dominican Republic then I officially moved here and only went to officially visit in the summer time when I was in high school.

LEAH: Okay. So when you were a younger child, you were living in the Dominican Republic. Was that sort of lack of conversation about lack of sex true about most of the people, most of the kids that you were around? Or was that something that was true about your household?

YAMI: I think it was mostly true in my household. I don’t remember many people telling me if their parents talked to them about it or not but they did know about it. When I was in elementary school, I did take up some Grade 7 classes here in the U.S. as well and here, a lot of kids knew about it, so it was very different depending on what grade I was in.

LEAH: So you said you heard about it from other kids, what kinds of things were you hearing?

YAMI: You can get pregnant. But I don’t remember exact moments. I just remember learning that when you get your period, then you can get pregnant. But something that I’ve noticed that I understand that many people don’t go through is me growing up I wanted to get my period. Yeah, it was very interesting. I always remember thinking I want to get my period. All of my friends have it. I want to get my period soon. It was like a weird thing because most people feel ashamed when they get periods the first time. But something that I did learn about with my mom is when you get your period, you’re more grown up so you need to be more careful but it wasn’t ever a bad thing in my family.

LEAH: So did you talk to your mom about getting your period?

YAMI: No. We didn’t talk about it. She just kind of told me. She just assumed that I knew that I need to let her know. And when I did get my period, I did let her know then she just gave me the pad, I knew what to do. I don’t know how I learned.

[LAUGHTER]

YAMI: But it was more of a celebration than a bad thing when I got my period.

LEAH: That’s lovely! I’m glad that you had that experience.

YAMI: Yeah, me too.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: So did you at some point in there did you start exploring your own body?

YAMI: I don’t remember exploring my own body until I was in middle school. I never had seen any other sexual acts that I can remember because again, I don’t remember much of my childhood memories. A lot of things are like a blur but from what I remember the first time I started touching myself was when I was in middle school.

LEAH: And how did you discover that? Do you remember?

YAMI: No idea. Maybe I had a computer at that point, I think maybe I saw something on social media and then started looking at videos online but I don’t remember how I discovered that.

LEAH: And do you remember it feeling good or did you have to sort of figure your way around there?

[LAUGHTER]

YAMI: It felt good from almost the beginning. From the beginning, I didn’t finger myself that much so clitoris stimulation was something that, for some reason, from the beginning I knew to do and I’ve always liked that.

LEAH: And I’m going to jump here for a second. Is that still true when you still enjoy clit stimulation more than penetration?

YAMI: Yes.

LEAH: Okay. At what point did you start thinking about bringing another person into that interaction with you?

YAMI: In eighth grade was the first time I’ve ever had sex. And it wasn’t so much that I wanted to but it felt like I had to in a way because I liked the one on one time with myself and I was scared of bringing someone else in and I always felt like I had to wait until I got married before I had sex so it was very different for me I would say.

LEAH: So you were around thirteen, fourteen that time?

YAMI: Yes, I believe I was thirteen.

LEAH: Thirteen. So you said you felt like you had to, was that because you were dating somebody that you wanted to further the relationship or was there some other reason?

YAMI: Yeah. I was dating someone that I thought I was in love with at that time.

[LAUGHTER]

YAMI: But I was scared that if I didn’t, I would lose him.

LEAH: Was he somebody who had a lot of experience?

YAMI: I don’t know if he did or not. I think that he told me that he did, but I don’t think I would really believe that.

LEAH: Was he pressuring you to have sex?

YAMI: Yeah. Definitely.

LEAH: How did you feel? I’m struck by the way that you said it that you felt like you had to. That’s why I’m pushing a little bit. Did you want to?

YAMI: Not really, no. I didn’t enjoy it. It was basically just one time in when we tried it and then it was not really going in, I didn’t know what was going on. And then as soon as I started bleeding, that was it. From there, I just wanted to go home. But I didn’t enjoy it.

LEAH: It sounds like if you weren’t really wanting to be there, there hadn’t been a whole lot of touching or anything that you probably weren’t lubricated and that would be why it would be hard for him to penetrate you because there’s nothing gliding the way for him and so it makes sense that it wouldn’t really work and that there would then be some tearing. I’m sorry that that was your first experience. It sounds painful.

YAMI: It was painful but it was okay after a little bit. When I was home, I laid down for a little bit and I’m like, “Oh my gosh. This really happened.” And after that I just didn’t want to be with him anymore.

LEAH: So you didn’t continue seeing him?

YAMI: No, that was it after that.

LEAH: Had you gotten any kind of birth control before you had sex with him?

YAMI: No. I don’t remember if he did or not but I believe that he did have a condom.

LEAH: Obviously, you hadn’t talked to your mom and ask you to take you to Planned Parenthood or something like that.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: So that was not really on your radar. The boys took care of condoms.

YAMI: Yeah.

LEAH: Okay. So you didn’t continue with him. What happened next?

YAMI: The second time it was with a family member that I was telling him what happened and he was being my friend and then he would say, “Oh, you know you should come over and we should hang out.” And I was like, “Okay.” So I skipped school and when I got there, that happened. We had sex. It wasn’t something that I wanted. He just kind of threw himself on me I would say. And I don’t really remember much, I just remember thinking if I’m just still, it would pass by sooner.

LEAH: I’m sorry. So was he an adult?

YAMI: He was older than me. I don’t remember his age at that point he had already graduated high school. I just don’t remember how old he was. I just remember knowing that he was done with school.

LEAH: I can usually maintain a stance of a lot of compassion for a lot of different people and being pretty calm but I want to fucking punch him. That is so not okay. I mean it’s never okay to take advantage of a woman ever and on top of that, that he was pretending to care because you were traumatized, used that to then traumatize you further, that makes me really, really angry.

YAMI: It took a while for me to be okay but I’m okay.

LEAH: Yeah. If he’s a family member, did you have to continue seeing him?

YAMI: I’ve tried my very hardest not to see him. I haven’t seen him in a few years but I did see him after that a few times. 

LEAH: How does it feel to be in his presence?

YAMI: I feel ashamed. I feel like if I see him now, I’ll feel angry but I did say to myself, I did to go to house. I should have known to expect this but then it took a while for me to realize that no, this is not something you should be ashamed of. You didn’t ask for this. He just took it upon himself.

LEAH: It is not your job to not be assaulted. Not only is he a family member but he appears to be offering you the kind of caring that you really needed in the moment. It was not your job to go through the calculus of, “Is this person in my family going to assault me?” You should be able to assume that’s not going to happen. You did nothing wrong. Oh my God, I just want to fucking punch him!

YAMI: Yeah, that’s what I feel too.

LEAH: I usually don’t’ have that kind of reaction but good God!

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Wow. How did that change things for you?

YAMI: After that, I never wanted to be around guys ever. I didn’t want to date anyone or be alone with any men many, many years later. So it was hard at first because right after that I had plans to hang out with my friend but I was just in so much shock and I didn’t know how to feel or even comprehend what had happened. It was just like I was living in a blur and after that I just didn’t really care too much about sex.

LEAH: Yeah. Were you getting any sort of physical touch and affection anywhere else from your girlfriends, from your family?

YAMI: Not really. My family they’re not really affectionate so I didn’t really get affection.

LEAH: That’s hard. That is a thing that can drive a lot of people into relationships they don’t actually want because they’re craving physical touch so much so that’s a hard place to be.

YAMI: Yeah.

LEAH: What was your relationship with your body through this time?

YAMI: I don’t remember having a relationship with my body after that at all. I don’t really remember much else like what I did afterwards.

LEAH: Yeah. So you stopped masturbating it sounds like.

YAMI: Yeah.

LEAH: And how did you feel about your body in terms of body image?

YAMI: My body image, I don’t think that really changed. I always felt like I was just average. Some people told me I needed to eat more to gain weight. Some people told me I had to eat less to lose weight.

[LAUGHTER]

YAMI: So I just considered myself to be pretty average. I didn’t really think much about my body image or I never really cared to dress with tight clothes or girly. I just wanted to be comfortable so I didn’t really look too much at my body.

LEAH: So I don’t know a lot about the culture in the Dominican Republic. But when you said that some people told you to eat more so you can gain weight and some people tell you to eat less so you could lose weight, it sounds very similar to my Jewish family.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Like, “You need more meat on your bones. You need to lose weight.”

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: So is that part of the culture there?

YAMI: Definitely. If you were too skinny they’re going to be very worried about you. If they see that you’re only eating a little bit, they’re going to put more food on your plate.

[LAUGHTER]

YAMI: And if you’re overweight, they’re going to tell you to lose weight. But you know it’s by working out, you can’t stop eating.

[LAUGHTER]

YAMI: They just tell you to eat healthier but then they feed me rice.

[LAUGHTER]

YAMI: So it’s pretty much always you’re too skinny or you’re too fat. There’s no in between really.

LEAH: Wow. So were you living in the U.S. by the time you were a teenager?

YAMI: Yes.

LEAH: What were the different attitudes between the Dominican Republic around sex and the attitudes in the United States around sex?

YAMI: In the Dominican Republic, everything was just very different. When I was in middle school, I had a lot of crushes, it was like if a guy liked me and I liked him back, we would kiss. But nothing more was expected. Or maybe it’s because of the age difference when I was in the Dominican Republic versus when I was living here but I really didn’t know that much about sex or anything really just, “This is how you have kids. Just don’t do it.” I went to Catholic school so they did not teach us when I was in the DR anything about sex. That’s just something your friends would know, your friends would tell you about it.

LEAH: So no sex education?

YAMI: No sex education. Not at all.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Because goodness forbid, young people should know what their bodies.

YAMI: Exactly.

[LAUGHTER]

YAMI: And you always had to wear a skirt under your knees. On the first day of school, I didn’t know this, so I wore a skirt a little bit above my knees and I was sent home.

LEAH: Oh my goodness.

YAMI: Yes, they were very strict in the school that I went to when I was middle school.

LEAH: Wow.

[MUSIC]

 LEAH: Remember how fun it was to have teenage sleepovers where we’d do each other’s nails and braid each other’s hair and gossip about kissing and relationships? I’m lucky because I still get to have those fun juicy conversations on a regular basis.

But I know that a lot of people may find it hard to make the time and space to have these intimate connecting conversations with your girlfriends. So I’ve created a space where you get to have that same fun again. It’s an adult PJ party!

It’s a whole luxurious girl talk. I’ll lead you into a no holds barred with your girlfriends talking about sex, relationships, toy, kink, orgasms, anything you can think of, we can talk about it! Even better, we’ll do it in a way that preserves social distancing and gives you a night of connection and intimacy with your favorite people. Or, if you prefer, join a group where nobody knows each other in advance so you could be completely open and honest without revealing too much to people you see every day.

So let me help you create a space where the conversation can be easy, sexy, and fun. Visit leahcarey.com/pjparty for all he information and to book a party for you and your friends.

Again, that link is leahcarey.com/pjparty and it’s in the app you’re listening on right now.

[MUSIC]

LEAH: So as you go through your teenage years, at what point did you start becoming interested in interacting with people again, dating and having sex again?

YAMI: Well, when I first started dating I was in high school and it was more so like talking, sometimes kissing, but I never, ever wanted anyone to touch me. I would be okay with kissing but I had my first boyfriend after all of this had happened and I felt comfortable at the time. We would talk. I never told him any of this. I never talked to anyone about any of this and I remember one time we had gone out on a date and we were coming back home. He attempted to touch my breast and I just, out of instinct, smacked his hand. And then after that, I felt so guilty but I noticed that he never ever again even tried to touch me and afterwards, we barely even kissed or anything. I was confused as to what was happening but I didn’t want to say anything about it and he was just very nice and very patient but it never went more than that.

And then afterwards, after we broke up, I felt a little bit more comfortable with myself. And afterwards, I would date more guys here and there. I would be okay with making out and if they wanted to put their hands on my waist, I would be okay with that but I was never alone in a room until, it’s hard to find the timeline of when things happened, because I don’t remember the dates.

Then I had met another guy and then we were alone in a room and we were making out but it was just making out and we were alone. I felt comfortable doing that. I didn’t feel pressured and I was actually enjoying it so then afterwards, I started feeling a little bit more and more comfortable with myself.

And then the next time that I had sex, I’m trying to remember my age, but I was with my first serious boyfriend. And I first just felt comfortable with making out and then being alone in his room and then I allowed him to touch my breasts under my clothes and until little by little, it got where I was comfortable enough to have sex with him.

LEAH: Why do you think he was different that you were willing to allow him to touch your breasts?

YAMI: Looking at it from now, from my point of view now, I would say he always knew what to say to get what he wanted.

LEAH: Oh, so it was a little bit manipulative?

YAMI: Yes. He always knew what to say to always get what he wanted because I kind of looked up to him because he seemed like this was a person who had his whole life together, seemed to be caring, and I really cared about him, but little by little started realizing he was a liar. He cheated on me with several people. I wasn’t having sex with anyone else just with him but he was having sex with other people. I only know one person who that was. She told me and then I actually ended up getting Chlamydia.

LEAH: Oh, God.

YAMI: Yeah and I ended up just breaking up with him, found out that everything that he basically told me about myself, was a complete lie and I think that it’s because of what you said, I didn’t have any affection but he gave me affection and he gave me attention and he made me feel I’m important.

LEAH: Oh, God. I’m so sorry. I want to go back and ask a couple more specific questions about that relationship. Looking at your perspective now is hard because now you know what you didn’t know then, but were you having pleasure during those sexual encounters with him?

YAMI: Yes. I would. I would enjoy it, certain parts of sex like I would enjoy when I was riding him for example because it gave me clitoris stimulation but that was really the only thing that I enjoyed doing with him.

LEAH: Were you coming to orgasms?

YAMI: Yes. Only riding him though. That was the only way.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: And did he pay attention to your body? Was he in it for his pleasure or was he also paying attention to your pleasure?

YAMI: I think he was only really paying attention to his pleasure because whenever he would try to do something like for example give me oral, it didn’t feel good at all and maybe he was just trying to do a bad job at it so he didn’t have to.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Yeah.

[MUSIC]

LEAH: At this point in the conversation I asked Yami more about dealing with Chlamydia, getting the diagnosis, the treatment and the after effects. You can find that conversation at Patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex

We also talk about negotiating boundaries in new sexual situations and how she and her partner find a third person to play with when there’s not a pandemic, of course. And as always, there is always the full extended lowdown Q and A.

As a reminder, since July 2020, all audio extras are now free at Patreon. I decided to move from a you-pay-me-to-hear-the-audio-extras model to a you-can-listen-to-everythihng-for-free-on-patreon-and-support-me-if-you-want-to model because I know that this material can be life changing for some people. It can even be lifesaving for women who are in abusive circumstances and experience this material as a lifeline. So audio extras are free. I’m still hosting the audio at Patreon because it’s convenient. You’ll need to create a free Patreon sign in to access my page but once you’re there, the audio extras and extended Q and As are openly accessible.

If my work is meaningful to you and you have  a few dollars to support it each month, I will gratefully accept your patronage at Patreon. If you have more than a few dollars, consider donating extra in honor of other women who need this material but aren’t in a position to contribute. I appreciate every one of you whether you are a client, a contributor, a social media follower or a silent listening. I trust you to know what’s right for you. Thank you for being here.

[MUSIC]

LEAH: So it sounds like you’ve had a series of not great experiences.

YAMI: Yeah.

LEAH: You have the first guy who didn’t bother waiting until you were lubricated. You had the second guy who I want to punch. The third guy who was solely focused on his own pleasure. And the fourth guy who sounds like he wasn’t even present with you at all. Please tell me that you have had a good experience.

[LAUGHTER]

YAMI: Yes. Yes.

LEAH: Oh my God. Thank you.

YAMI: I have had many amazing experiences now.

LEAH: Excellent. Let’s talk about those.

[LAUGHTER]

YAMI: Yes. The first time I had sex with my current boyfriend now it was absolutely amazing. He just knew what to do, when to do it, and he has just always continued to prove and he has made me orgasm like more times than I could count. So yes, I’ve had amazing experiences with him and I’ve told him basically everything within my sexual past so he knows me very well. He knows what I like. He has also done a lot of research on how to give really good oral sex and he is amazing.

[LAUGHTER]

YAMI: And we’ve explored a lot like with swapping with both females and males.

LEAH: When you say swapping, you mean swapping partners?

YAMI: Yeah. We always tried it in the same room because e like having those experiences together so we’ve experienced a lot. We’ve been together now for five years in a few months and we’ve been having sex the entire five years honestly. So it’s been amazing.

LEAH: Good, I am so glad.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: You deserve it after that string of assholes.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: So you mentioned before we started recording, you were thinking of talking with him about going from your current relationship structure which is monogamy with some external play to opening it up. What are you thinking you might want your new structure to look like?

YAMI: We were just thinking about it beforehand. Just here and there, we’d talk about it. And I like the idea of both of us being able to explore emotionally with other people because I do think it’s possible to develop feelings for other people and to care about them and to just have a relationship in which you have your main partner, which would obviously be him, and also being able to date other people and explore other people emotionally. Because I feel like with every person, you could have a different relationship with them. You can have a different vibe for lack of a better term.

LEAH: So you’re wanting to experience different things with different people?

YAMI: Yes.

LEAH: So if you are comfortable with the idea of you going out and exploring other people, are you so comfortable with him going out and exploring other people?

YAMI: Oh, yes. Absolutely.

LEAH: So there’s a level of trust and connection between you that you think will allow you to maintain that primary relationship?

YAMI: For sure. I know that everything that I share with him, I won’t share with anyone else. You share everything from finances to travelling together. We share a home and I love him unconditionally. He’s also had experiences in his past in his childhood in which he was also taken advantage of and we’ve been able to overcome a lot together and grow a lot together. He is the most honest loving person that I know. I’m truly grateful for him but I trust him. I live with him so I trust him with my life.

[LAUGHTER]

YAMI: And so I definitely would be okay and I would enjoy for him to explore for himself and I feel like you get to explore more of yourself if you’re exploring other things that you haven’t before. Sometimes just talking to someone else and having a conversation and realizing things and the questions that someone else may ask you are questions that you may not have thought yourself so then you start realizing, “Wow. I did not know this about myself. But now I do.”

LEAH: So what kinds of relationships are you hoping to develop outside of this primary relationship? Are you wanting to have full fledged romantic relationships with other people or are you just wanting to date and have some casual sex? There are a lot of things between those two, but what are you imagining?

YAMI: More so dating casually and depending how those relationships go whether you date that person once or you see them several times and if you talk to them several times a day, or once a week, or even talking on the phone, but I wouldn’t want something so serious in which I would show that person to my family because my family would never understand that, and I wouldn’t want him to meet someone that he wants his family to meet. I don’t want him to get that serious more so in a more flirtatious, I care about you and I care about your well being and I like talking to you, I enjoy having time with you type of way.

LEAH: I’m going to ask you some hypothetical questions because you’re not doing this yet. It sounds like. So how do you imagine setting up the boundaries for this kind of relationship? It sounds like to me your boundary you’re setting is I want us to be able to date and possibly have sex with other people but we need to stop before any serious feelings get involved. How do you imagine creating that boundary and maintaining it for yourself and for him?

YAMI: I feel like with everything that we’ve done, we always start with very strict boundaries. Very, very strict boundaries and then we start building from there, seeing what we’re comfortable with. Like before we started exploring ourselves sexually with other couples, it would just be like we wouldn’t even kiss. I would be able to kiss the other female but not the male. And then we kind of just built from there to the point now where we’re comfortable in being in separate rooms and as long as we’re comfortable with the other couple and I feel like it would be the same if we do this later. I’m not sure if this Is something that we will do because I would never want to do anything to harm our relationship because that to me is the most relationship now. So if this is something he would be okay with, then it would just be okay so for now, let’s just explore talking to other people and maybe possibly going on a date with this sort of person. Depending on how you feel, then maybe now we could do more in terms of now, you can also have sex with other people or going just going from there. So we always try to build from what we already have.

LEAH: I really like how you’re thinking of it in such a sort of small steady steps instead of “Hey, there’s a pool! Let’s jump into the pool!”

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Which is how people end up doing and it ends up being a disaster. But if you can really set up some good boundaries and really have good conversations and agreements, something like this can be really successful because you’re arch feeling seen and heard and respected and that is what is really what creates the foundation for a successful relationship whether it’s open or closed or anything else.

YAMI: Yeah. We are very much in tune with each other’s needs and we’ve never broken a boundary that the other person has set because the most important between our relationship is respect for one another. So if I know that he’s not comfortable with me doing something, I’m not going to feel comfortable with doing it. And so we always try to respect each other’s boundaries even if we have been playing with other people or having sex with other people. If we’re in the middle of a situation in which we want to do something that is going to break the boundaries, we kind of know to look at each other and we just kind of know if this is okay or not. Or he would tell me if we want like we kind of just know what to say in the moment to let the other person know that I’m okay with this.

LEAH: It sounds like you’re really connected.

YAMI: Yeah. We talk a lot. Especially now in the quarantine.

[LAUGHTER]

YAMI: We talk all the time.

[LAUIGHTHER]

LEAH: And that’s a lot of togetherness.

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LEAH: And now it’s time for the lowdown. The things we’re dying to know but we’d usually be too polite to ask any good girl.

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LEAH: Do you enjoy having your breasts played with?

YAMI: That has changed recently. I don’t know why but before my nipples were very, very sensitive and I enjoyed it sometimes but now it doesn’t feel the same. I don’t know why but I want to like it again.

[LAUGHTER]

YAMI: So I’ve been trying to research as to why it is that kind of feels like I’m losing sensitivity on my nipples.

LEAH: Can you orgasm from penetration alone without additional stimulation?

YAMI: Yes. I can.

LEAH: Do you prefer the orgasm from masturbating or sex with another person?

YAMI: With my boyfriend. My favorite way to orgasm is him giving me oral. That’s my absolute favorite way.

LEAH: All right. What kind of touch do you enjoy most?

YAMI: What do you mean by that question?

LEAH: Are there specific areas in your body that you like it? Or like gentle or stretching?

YAMI: Well, specifically my waist. I don’t like it to be gentle because I’m ticklish and I don’t like to feel tickled so I like it more not aggressive but more like you’re holding me like I could feel you holding me and I don’t like to be tickled at all.

LEAH: How do you feel about your partner watching porn?

YAMI: I like it. Anything that has to be him enjoying myself I enjoy it.

LEAH: I love that answer I mean I just love that answer and I think it’s a particularly positive answer given that you want to open up the relationship and explore with other people because it’s so important. I don’t know if you’re familiar with the word compersion but that is the word that has been created by the polyamorous and open communities to talk about it gives me pleasure to see my partner having pleasure and that is he space which it can be a really successful experience too. Not to say that there’s no jealousy and all of that but if you are deriving pleasure from your partner’s pleasure then that means that there’s a real solid foundation.

YAMI: Yeah. Absolutely.

LEAH: Yami, thank you so much. This has been amazing. I really appreciate you showing up and doing this.

YAMI: Thank you for having me. This is definitely fun.

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LEAH: That’s it for today. Good Girls Talk About Sex is produced by me, Leah Carey, and edited by Gretchen Kilby. I have additional administrative support from Lara O’Connor and Magnolia Afable. And I’m incredibly grateful for the financial support from Good Girls Talk About Sex community members at Patreon. If you want to support me in telling these stories and answering your questions, head over to Patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex   

And before we go, I want to remind you that the lies you’ve probably heard about your sexuality aren’t true. You are worthy. You are desirable exactly as you are. And you are not broken. I work with women just like you to reflect their true sexual nature back to them without the judgment, shame or fear that can get in the way of seeing it for themselves. As a coach and PJ party hostess, I will guide you in embracing the sexuality that is innately yours no matter what it looks like. I’m here to help you sink so deeply into your true sexuality that the version of yourself that was so scared to speak up for her needs feels like a mirage from another lifetime. Until next time, here’s to your better sex life!

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