Martyna is a 29-year-old, cisgender woman who describes herself as white, heterosexual, monogamous, and in a relationship. She grew up in Poland and now lives in South Africa.

Martyna deals with depression, and she talks today about how that has affected her relationships and sex. She also talks about how the season 1 STARS episode affected her thinking about how to talk about consent. You can find that episode at https://www.leahcarey.com/podcast/episode-8a-bonus-the-stars-conversation

Major themes in this episode include depression, learning about consent as an adult, and exploring BDSM.

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT (CLICK TO OPEN)

GGTAS episode 25 – Martyna

LEAH: Friends, welcome back. Thank you for bearing with me through the break as I switch over to an ongoing every other week schedule. I’m so grateful for your support. Every message that I get form a listener means the world to me. And the next couples of episodes features listeners who got in touch to let me know that they’d like to be a guest. There’s truly no greater confirmation of the work that I’m doing than hearing that people want to be part of it. So if you’re listening and thinking, you might possibly want to do an interview with me, please let me know! I would love to talk to you.

[MUSIC]

LEAH: Hi, I’m Leah Carey and this is Good Girls Talk About Sex. This is a place to share conversations with all sorts of women about their experience with sexuality. Before we get started, I want to tell you this. These are unfiltered conversations between adult women talking about sex! If anything about the previous offends you, turn back now! And if you’re looking for a trigger warning, you’re not going to get it from me. I believe that you are stronger than the trauma you have experienced. I have faith in your ability to deal with the things that upset you. Sound good? Let’s start the show!

[MUSIC]

LEAH: Today, we meet Martyna, a 29 year old cisgender woman who describes herself as white, heterosexual, monogamous and in a relationship.

Martyna grew up in Poland and now lives in South Africa. She deals with depression and she talks about how that has affected her relationships and sex. Martyna has been listening to the podcast since near the beginning and she contacted me to be a guest because she’s gotten so much out of it. During our conversation, she references the STARS talk several times.

If you haven’t heard it, I highly recommend you go back in the feed to the bonus episode from February 20, 2019 titled Evelin Dacker and the STARS method. Again, if you’d like to be a guest on the show, please visit leahcarey.com/guest or drop me an email at leah@goodgirlstalkaboutsex.com.

And now, I’m so pleased to introduce Martyna!

Thank you so much for being with me today. I was thrilled. We don’t know each other but you found the podcast through one of my guests through the first season Jessi Kneeland and you contacted me to tell me how much you were enjoying it and of course, I said, “That’s great if you want to be a guest.”

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: And I’m just so thrilled that you said yes, so welcome!

MARTYNA: Thank you so much and I just want to say thank you to all the guests from the first season because that’s what I’ve been listening to and I mean all the women and all their experiences were amazing and it made me realize a lot about sexuality and about myself and I’m so grateful for all the information I got from all the ladies that were on your show.

LEAH: Awesome. Well, thank you. So let’s start at the beginning. How did you discover the idea of sex? Do you remember?

MARTYNA: My parents had upstairs in the attic like these massive pillows and I pretended those were horses. And suddenly, I realized they’re really cool to ride.

LEAH: Oh, yes.

[LAUGHTER]

MARTYNA: So I ditched the idea of being a Texas Ranger and I was just riding the pillow upstairs.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Do you remember how old you were?

MARTYNA: I think in single digits, around that time. It must have been quite early.

LEAH: Do you think you came to something you would now recognize as an orgasm doing those things?

MARTYNA: I think so. I remember this good feeling and then this sudden relief that I now call orgasm. So I think I did.

LEAH: And at what point did you connect that to the idea of sex and sexual engagement with another person?

MARTYNA: That’s another funny story because again I don’t remember how old it was. I was a kid. I was spending summer with my grandparents and their friends and their grandchildren and one of the girls, girl-on-girl experience and as we mentioned, I’m straight.

[LAUGHTER]

MARTYNA: But we were playing and I have no memory of what was the game but I remember we were humping each other. And she was about four years older than me. So I don’t see it as any form of nonconsensual interactions. I think she wasn’t aware of what she was doing either. She just knew that it was nice. So yeah, that was just humping each other and that was nice and we were hiding it from her grandma.

LEAH: As you said in the intro, you are originally from Poland and you’re now living in South Africa, so I’m curious to know about your experiences growing up. What were the messages that you heard in Poland in Polish culture around sex and sexuality as a child?

MARTYNA: That’s a very, very interesting question because Polish people are considered to be Catholic people but as I mentioned to you, my family is not really religious or at least they don’t practice. We mostly stick to traditions so all that Christmassy stuff that we do is mainly the tradition. My parents were never forcing me to go to Church but being brought up in Catholic culture, I was attending religion classes so Catholic religion classes. And when it comes to my family, I did pass my parents twice in my life as far as I remember.

LEAH: You mean you walked in on them having sex? MARTYNA: Yes.

LEAH: Okay.

MARTYNA: One was when I was having trouble sleeping when I was a small child and then I never admitted to them that that happened. They didn’t realize even. And then the second time was when I was already 18, I just burst out laughing and I walked out.

[LAUGHTER]

MARTYNA: But when I got my period, I went to my sister, I said, “Something is off.” And then she explained to me what it is. My sister is older. And then my mom brought champagne to celebrate that I’m a woman. So that was it.

And I was obviously stressed. I was trained in swimming, so I was stressed, all the embarrassment. How will I go swimming now? But that was explained to me, what to do, how to behave and nothing shameful about that. When it comes to sexual interactions with boys though, I don’t remember much except my mom told me that I still remember. “It’s not like in the movies. You first have to take a shower and then you may lie with your boyfriend and do all those things,” But that was it.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Oh, wow.

MARTYNA: That I remember. And I was hiding when I wanted to go for contraception. I was hiding but I think it was more of a fear of judgment and I was quite young so I found my own doctor. Well, my mom is a doctor too. It was her friend but the patient confidentiality. So I trusted the lady and I arranged that myself.

LEAH: And how old were you, do you remember?

MARTYNA: I think I first went to the doctor when I was 16. I lost my virginity when I was 15. So I didn’t

want to take a risk like more maturity kind of kicked in like no way, too early.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: So I’m curious about this instruction from your mom to take a shower before you have sex.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Do you know what that was about and did you listen to her?

MARTYNA: Well, no. I didn’t listen to her.

[LAUGHTER]

MARTYNA: I have no idea what that was about.

[LAUGHTER]

MARTYNA: I think it was more like she was trying to protect me in the sense of don’t be too spontaneous with boys.

LEAH: Oh, so it wasn’t about cleanliness? It was about making sure you take a couple of minutes to be sure that this is what you want to do?

MARTYNA: Yes.

LEAH: Oh, okay.

MARTYNA: I think it was more for that I think that’s at least how I took it.

[LAUGHTER]

MARTYNA: It doesn’t mean that I listened to her. I have my guilty conscience about that but yeah, my stupid choices.

LEAH: So what about the first time you had sex? What were the circumstances?

MARTYNA: No one knows about that. I even lied to my sister what was my first time because I’m not proud of it. So I’m from a home, that’s how I explained what happened, I’m from a home when my mom was drinking and she was quite abusive while drinking. Not physically, but psychologically. And my dad was never protecting us.

So when I reached my puberty, I start smoking, start drinking. and I was like, “I can do whatever I want.” I still had good grades but I had my rebel time. So what happened was quite a stupid story of me finding this boy that actually wasn’t from my country.

It was the holidays in Tunisia and we didn’t communicate because he didn’t speak English, I did. But you know we had this affection. I liked the way he looked. He liked the way I looked. We were making out on the couch and then he took by my hand. We walked to his room and all the things start going on. And I start to ask him, “Well, condom? Condom?”

[LAUGHTER]

MARTYNA: So he figured out that I wanted to use protection.

[LAUGHTER]

MARTYNA: So immediately when he entered me, it hurt so I stopped it. And then, there was a walk of shame. I run to my friend that she covered me from my parents and he went away to go with his friends. And yeah, that’s I guess, it brings a lot of shame when I think about it and no one knows about it. My sister knows about the other guy. But I think it was a lesson that I learned.

LEAH: So what is the shame about? What do you feel is shameful about that?

MARTYNA: It was very immature, very spontaneous, so many things could have gone wrong, so my adult side of me, the responsible side of me, thinks like, “Woman, you could have been in so much trouble” because I didn’t know him at all.

LEAH: I’m struck by the idea that when you hurt, you said no. And you stopped it and that is a big deal for a 15 year old, especially her first time. That you took control of your body and your experience and you extricated yourself and I think there’s actually a lot to be really proud of there.

MARTYNA: Thank you.

LEAH: Yeah. What about the next time? Was the next time that you had sex more pleasant?

MARTYNA: I think the main way it was brought up it was always to be a pleaser so unfortunately, I rarely took care of myself and what I needed really. So I left all my pleasure to the guy and if he didn’t care or I didn’t say something because I thought maybe it’s not my place, I’m too ashamed to say that I don’t like this, I prefer that.

But quite often the boys I slept with basically have no orgasms. For a long time, I can’t orgasm at all. When I found myself sexually because that’s really recent as I’m 29 years old like, “Wow that’s a bit late” since I had sex since I was 15.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: I don’t think it’s unusual though. So what happened? How did you find yourself?

MARTYNA: So I presume a lot of women do that rebound kind of thing after a breakup when you suddenly just go around and search for guys for certain I guess to make you feel better, which obviously you should find yourself inside I know that.

[LAUGHTER]

MARTYNA: But you still go out there. [LAUGHTER]

MARTYNA: And I went on this date which I’m so grateful to that guy because as I’m saying it was kind of my sexual realization and started a great adventure because I went on a date with a guy that I swiped right in Tinder. But it was in Tinder and he had a photo of him butt naked. I was like, “This is an

interesting photo.” So I swiped whatever side and we went out on a date. And we had very interesting conversation.

He sounded much better on paper than my ex that I just broke up with so I was just amazed. And he was a full gentleman and then we were sitting side by side in this small restaurant which was very casual so you have nice sofas and you sit next to each other and then he pressing my ear like a lot of things like asking for consent. Can I kiss you? Can I do this? Can I do that?

And then I found out that he’s one of the sex positive type of people. So he was polyamorous. He asked me for the consent which was wow, I was shocked that that was the first thing because how often does that happen? Then the other thing, he asked me about my sexual preference. And pricing 50 Shades of Grey, my sexual preference, the idea was BDSM. I just never tried it with anyone before.

So I said that and he was like, “Okay. What are your limits? What are you into?” And I was like, “I have no idea. I really don’t know.” So then he asked me, “Do you want me to take you home?” And I was like, “Oh, that sounds interesting. That sounds cool.”

[LAUGHTER]

MARTYNA: So we did go to his place. He was a switch so he was both dominant and submissive. But my preference was to be submissive so he would have to be dominant which he was and yeah, that was my kind of sexual awakening in a way.

LEAH: How long ago was that?

MARTYNA: About two years ago.

LEAH: And did you see him more than once?

MARTYNA: Yeah, we met a few times. I had a chance to meet his other partner, sexual partner, which was funny, we had lovely conversation with that girl. I was quite stressed because I didn’t know what to expect. I’ve never ever seen anyone that was polyamorous and for me like I didn’t want a relationship, so that was a nice setup because he made me feel beautiful, appreciated. I had all that elements of security with him and no baggage so he really treated me nice.

And I guess for people who don’t recognize polyamory it’s hard to understand but I really just needed that boost of self confidence at that moment which was very niece for me. And then meeting the girl that he was also sleeping with, it was a bit stressful. It was a bit exciting but he’s also a beautiful type of a person whenever I had sexual experience together.

LEAH: You and the other woman? MARTYNA: Yes, the other woman. [LAUGHTER]

MARTYNA: But I did see them kiss and then he kissed me in the same room the same afternoon. It was a bit awkward but I didn’t want to pay attention to that. Just brush it off.

LEAH: I am also monogamous and I did briefly date somebody. Well, I’ve dated a couple of people who were polyamorous during my time of grand sexual exploration and I was just trying all of the things but I remember that I saw this guy several times.

He was married and they’re fully polyamorous. I met her the same time that I met him. But I remember the first time that he took me back to his house because he needed to get something. We were going out on a date and he needed to pick something up and his wife was there and that was fine. We had met before but then he kissed her and then he came over and kissed me and I was like, “Oh, that’s really different.”

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: I really didn’t know what to do at that time. I’ve since had a couple of experiences with that and I’m a little more comfortable with it but for those of us who are primarily monogamous that is a little startling.

[LAUGHTER]

MARTYNA: Yeah, as I told you I define myself straight but it was like should I kiss her or no? Where would that lead? But I didn’t. I guess my shyness took over.

[MUSIC]

LEAH: I love reading the reviews that people are leaving on Apple Podcasts. Thank you so much for letting me know that this podcast is valuable to you. For instance, cc5988 wrote, “Leah is both friendly and professional in her interviews with the diversity of real women. I love hearing their stories and being able to relate to so many things they discuss. Thank you for opening up this conversation. Keep up the good work!”

Thank you cc5988 for letting me know that this work is valuable to you and I plan to keep up the good work and here’s how you can help. Become a community supporter at Patreon. The Patreon extras for this episode are the 1 dollar a month level, there’s an extended conversation about how the culture of different countries plays into gender roles and relationship expectations. At the 5 dollar a month level, Martyna talks more about the specifics of her BDSM activities with her partner. At the 7 dollar a month level, it’s those conversations plus the extended Q and A. At the 10 dollar a month level, all of that plus the monthly ask me anything where you get to ask me your questions about sex, sexuality and sexual communication. To learn more about becoming a community supporter rand to get all of these goodies, visit patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex.

[MUSIC]

LEAH: So I want to go back to this first sexual experience that you had with this gentleman and him introducing you to some elements of BDSM. What did you do? What kinds of play did you engage in?

MARTYNA: Well, basically, the first time we had sex, it was just dominance and spanking, quite innocent like no bondage part, nothing like that. Actually, with my current partner, I do much more but it was just an introduction which was for me surprising because he was telling me, “Here where I’m staying there are apparently kind of like BDSM parties.”

And there is some fire festival where there are also some talks about sex kind of like STARS talk. They had consensual sex, talking about safety when it comes to sex, the fact that we had to have safe words if you don’t, you have to trust the person, and obviously you have to speak up as the submissive person. And so even when we started with sex and spanking, he would ask me if this is the level of pain that I like or if I want more. So it was all pretty consensual and I found it quite exciting.

LEAH: So for people who are listening who have not heard the first season, the episode that you’re referring to is Episode 8 with Dr. Evelin Dacker and then Episode 8a is where she explains the STARS talk and then I have a sample STARS talk with one of my friends just so that people can go back and reference what you’re talking about because it’s amazing. It’s life changing, at least it was for me.

MARTYNA: I think it was the first podcast that I listened to. [LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Oh wow.

MARTYNA: And I was like, “Wow. That’s something that I almost never have done.” Because coming up front with all the talks about STDs and your experiences is very upfront and you shy away from it but it’s so honest and refreshing.

LEAH: And it’s so liberating in the actual doing of it. You don’t have to wonder if the other person is going to be okay with what you want or are they going to figure out that thing that I really like? You just get to say all of it upfront.

MARTYNA: As generalizing as it’s going to sound, I think women are quite guilty of, “He’s going to figure out, right?”

[LAUGHTER]

MARTYNA: He knows what he’s doing. And no they don’t, they have no idea.

LEAH: And I think people who grow up in boy bodies were taught that they were supposed to know without having to ask and so we all got mixed up messages.

[LAUGHTER]

MARTYNA: And well, from my other sexual experiences, some boys just walk in and they have no clue and they commit so many mistakes that if we don’t speak up, it’s going to be terrible.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: So you had mentioned that you had sort of the sexual awakening a couple of years ago, have you up to that point been masturbating?

MARTYNA: I did because that was the way that I could actually cum.

LEAH: Yeah. So you had said that you didn’t have an orgasm with partners, but you were still able to

orgasm with yourself?

MARTYNA: Yes. It’s just by clitoral stimulation usually but yeah, when it comes to partners, I rarely came.

LEAH: Yeah. And so has that changed now in the wake of starting to explore some dominance and submissiveness?

MARTYNA: Definitely, almost every time. It’s just like I told you before, I’m struggling currently with depression so I guess sometimes that kicks in and then yeah, coming is much harder. But yeah, most of the time.

LEAH: So yeah, let’s talk about depression some if you’re open to that. How long have you been struggling with depression or dealing with it?

MARTYNA: They are different questions, dealing with it, struggling or actually doing something about it.

LEAH: Oh, interesting distinction, yeah.

MARTYNA: Because one thing is to be there and trying to keep that whole by yourself and thinking, “It’s just going to get better. I can brush it off.” And I’ve been guilty of that for a couple of years. There were plenty of excuses. I went into a relationship here in South Africa which got me to basically to my breaking point but then again I was struggling financially and I didn’t want to have so many problems.

When I finally found the courage in myself to break up that relationship and get this freedom and be by myself for some time and open myself up sexually. Then I was like, “Okay.” So it’s fine now because I put my depression aside. And again, if you don’t work it out then it’s not going to improve. And in my new relationship where I am so actively happy I feel bad about still having this baggage on my shoulders and that was the time where I was like, “Nah, this is enough, time to deal with it because you’re not getting anywhere.”

LEAH: Yeah, so how long have you been in this new relationship? MARTYNA: A bit over a year.

LEAH: Has there been a change in your sexual experience and your sexual pleasure since starting the medication?

MARTYNA: Yeah, that’s a lot of concern for a lot of people and it was obviously my concern because I heard that Sex in the City said, “If you take Prozac then you can’t cum.” I watched Sex and the City and I remember it. I used to watch it.

[LAUGHTER]

MARTYNA: And I was like, “Goodness, what’s going to happen? Now, I actually can cum and I’ll take these pills and then they’ll stop.” No, that didn’t happen.

So I would say that the initial dose because it was just prescribed without any control wasn’t very helpful with everything but it didn’t interfere with my sexual desires. And since I started therapy and kind of understanding some things better myself and listening to a lot of podcasts regarding women’s health including sexual health but also nutrition, I feel much better in my own body.

And I sit down and talk with my partner more about things. So because of your podcast I started thinking about sexual desires and all those kinds of things and sometimes I’m just tempted to spice it up and say, “Okay. I want to do this.” And he’s open to that so that’s great.

LEAH: That’s awesome. I’m really glad that you’re willing to talk about this because depression is a subject that we haven’t really touched on much in this podcast yet and it’s something that I deal with and I have dealt with chronic depression.

Well, if you take your language, I’ve been struggling with it since I was an early teenager. I’ve actually been dealing with it around the last 12-14 years and I am on an antidepressant and it does interfere to some degree with my sexual sensation. However, for me, the emotional stability that comes with that, I would rather give up a little bit of sexual sensation and have the emotional stability than have phenomenal sexual sensation and be a fucking disaster and not be able to hold on to a partner.

[LAUGHTER]

MARTYNA: No, definitely, definitely.

LEAH: Because that is really the flip side for me.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Let’s talk about your current relationship. What is it like? What do the two of you enjoy together sexually?

MARTYNA: Well, so my boyfriend is a dominant type of person but when it comes to relationship only in bed. So on a daily basis, we are partner sand I have incredible amount of support when it comes to depression, my work, my studies, anything. So it’s just a support and pure love when it comes to that.

When it comes to bed then, I still have a lot of support and trust and I think it all adds up and we have to have it in BDSM sex because without that, you’re not going to be able to feel comfortable. Obviously like as I said, I’m submissive and I think one of your guests as well said that being a submissive keeps your

freedom from being a control freak so I’m a bit of a control freak which also leads to my depression and I treat sex as healing a bit because I give up all that control and it’s all up to him. And I used to think with other partners that if I do that, they’ll get bored and because for me sex used to be the validation, I was like, “Oh, I need to be active. I need to do this and I need to be this candy stripper from porn movie so that they would like having sex with me.”

LEAH: Yeah. Oh, that’s so interesting. Yeah, I get that.

MARTYNA: But it wasn’t my thing. I mean it’s nothing wrong to be that kind of person but it’s not my thing and I felt very artificial when I had to do that. But when I came into this submissive role and it was all the control was given away, I had this freedom of my mind which was so nice because I could just focus on the sensation.

LEAH: Yeah, for people who aren’t familiar with BDSM, this can sound like a really scary topic. So for people who are really new and think that what this means is whips and chains and all sorts of scary stuff, can you talk about more specifically what is it that you enjoy doing with your partner?

MARTYNA: Well, first of all, as you’re saying about giving safety and comfort of your partner that you’re with. I wouldn’t become comfortable as much as any other guy that I’ve been with and what we do is basically spanking, using whip if we want to, using cuffs if we want to.

As I said, I’m a control freak so I really like to be blindfolded because then I focus on the sensation that I’m getting from my partner. And it’s not necessarily pain because it’s about the pleasure. I do like the combination of both. The pain is the arousal factor but then you get the pleasure which is even more and then it’s just adding on top of each other until we climax.

[LAUGHTER]

MARTYNA: And it’s about this control for me that I give up and it’s a sense of how to explain that it would sound the way that I want it to sound because it is good. I’m a giver and the control and love and pleasure is all I can give. It’s kind of like I’m giving this great gift to my partner and he accepts it and respects it and that’s so important because so often, spanking and all these kinds of things, they’re related to not respecting women.

But this is about this control and power because even as a submissive person, you are empowered. You are in charge of that situation. We don’t need the safety words in our relationship. If I say any sound of pain, he’s going to stop. Obviously it’s not going to be related to moaning but he’s going to stop immediately. And he’s very careful about my body and as I’m saying, eh likes to be in control of the situation and I like to be to give up the control so we have mutual understanding.

LEAH: Yeah. I love that. I think you just talked about that. You said that really well, so thank you. MARTYNA: I’m glad that I managed to convey my message.

[LAUGHTER]

MARTYNA: It’s good if it’s with a person that you love and you trust. Mainly trust, obviously it doesn’t have to be love but just the trust part is very, very important.

LEAH: What kind of touch do you enjoy most? [LAUGHTER]

MARTYNA: Quite a change of subject.

LEAH: Yeah.

[LAUGHTER]

MARTYNA: I’m still in the phase of exploring myself I think. So I do enjoy spanking and whip but then at the same time, testing limits with pleasure. It’s not like one way ticket to just pain.

[LAUGHTER]

MARTYNA: Once, I got spanked and I got kissed in the butt cheek that was spanked and red. And I was like, “That’s nice.”

LEAH: Nice.

MARTYNA: It’s a mix of all those sensations.

LEAH: Yeah. So let’s talk about the whip for a moment because whip requires a great deal of knowledge and precision. Is that something that your partner has spent time practicing and learning?

MARTYNA: I think that there are different kinds of whips. As I’m saying like I’m not yet 100% into BDSM world. So he’s using the short horse whip which is the only thing he bought from the horse shop so he said that they looked at him weirdly.

[LAUGHTER]

MARTYNA: Because it’s cheaper than actual sex store.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Right. So you’re not talking about sort of the cattail, I’m not even sure that’s the correct word. MARTYNA: No. Not that long stuff, no.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Yeah. Okay.

MARTYNA: No.

[LAUGHTER]

[MUSIC]

LEAH: Before we finish up, let’s do the quick five. Five quick questions we’d usually be too polite to ask any good girl.

[MUSIC]

LEAH: What is the fantasy that you’ve been wanting to try but haven’t yet?

MARTYNA: It’s on the bucket list. As I’ve said, I’m a sensual person so like focusing on only touch sensations. So basically I think it was in 50 Shades.

[LAUGHTER]

MARTYNA: And I’m not recommending this book for the story. [LAUGHTER]

MARTYNA: Being blindfolded, not knowing what’s going on completely. As I’m saying, giving all this to your partner and having a bit of pain here, a little bit of cold sensation, warm sensation, these kinds of things. Apparently, it’s my birthday gift, so hey!

LEAH: Ooh, nice! [LAUGHTER]

LEAH: So I say this every time 50 Shades comes up because I think it’s so important that I love the fact that it introduced these concepts to a wider audience and clearly sparked something in the greater consciousness. That character is an extremely shitty Dom.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Because he showed up and said, “You are going to do exactly what I want to do and the only way to stop it is to stop everything.” And that is not the way that a real carrying sensual Dom relationship works.

MARTYNA: That first of all is a toxic relationship from the psychological point of view and I noticed, you can’t heal your partner from my experiences, you just can’t. They have to make it work, you can just be supportive. And sex is definitely not the way to heal problems.

LEAH: Absolutely! Amen, sister. [LAUGHTER]

LEAH: What’s the kinkiest thing you enjoy? MARTYNA: Oh my God, kinkiest thing.

[LAUGHTER]

MARTYNA: So my boyfriend likes to dress me up and usually those are slutty outfits so we like to go shopping together, browse Internet together and we have quite a few outfits and I really enjoyed it and he enjoys corsets, corsets and all that ropey things so I’m basically standing there and he dresses me up in kind of this leathery outfit which makes his touch feel much different than my skin. Again, it’s a skin sensation and that’s the first part.

And then this whole BDSM thing is like for women who don’t feel comfortable about their bodies, that look that the partner gives you like I don’t feel comfortable about my body, but the moment when he’s praising your body, that’s just very good interaction for the rest of the evening.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Yeah. Nice. I love it.

[LAUGHTER]

MARTYNA: And it’s not the kinkiest thing, but I’m talking about it, but I think that that is my favorite part.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Well, I ask that question with the knowledge that everybody’s going to have a different scale for what is kinky.

MARTYNA: Yeah, definitely. [LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Do you swallow or not?

MARTYNA: That comes to those weird experiences that I had. So with the right partner, I do. But I think some of your interviews were speaking about nonconsensual sex and if non consensual sex can happen in the relationship, and it did happen to me.

My boyfriend, we were in Dom-style position and told me at a certain point just turn around and he just finished in my mouth and I choked and then he started laughing. And I was like, “What the hell, man?”

LEAH: Oh, I’m sorry.

MARTYNA: And as I’m saying, it comes from his lack of knowledge. It was the same partner who tried to

have anal sex with me without any lubrication. Lack of knowledge again! LEAH: Yeah.

MARTYNA: I just screamed and I was like, “What are you doing?”

LEAH: That sounds like somebody who’s watched a lot of porn and doesn’t understand that porn isn’t exactly what happens in real life.

MARTYNA: Exactly, so those are experiences but yeah, I think that comes from porn as well as I’m talking about it and not talking about it in a relationship and when you start dating, which I’m going back, everyone should listen to STARS talk.

[LALUGHTER]

LEAH: Do you enjoy direct stimulation to your clit? Do you prefer the hood to be touched? Or do you like it to not be touched at all?

MARTYNA: So again, I hope my partner is not listening to this. I haven’t told him that I don’t like when he’s stimulating my clit.

[LAUGHTER]

MARTYNA: So that’s something that I still need to kind of tell him. I like it when it’s soft or when I do it myself.

LEAH: How do you feel if a partner loses or can’t get an erection?

MARTYNA: It was a thing that happened to me quite often and I was blaming myself. I always blamed myself and for a long time, I didn’t accept the idea that it was not my fault. So now it when it happens, well it happens. I’m not content because as I’m saying, I’m a giver so I’d rather have him orgasm than me. But if it happens, it happens.

LEAH: Martyna, thank you so much. Is there anything that we haven’t talked about that you would like to say?

MARTYNA: Thank you so much for doing this because I think that it’s so needed because sometimes as you’re saying, your talks with your friends and I had sometimes talks with friends when you have more wine, then you talk about it.

But I think Sexual Education is so important and in Poland, there is this big movement as well to educate kids because the sexual education seems to be quite taken away from school. And as much as for Europe, we don’t have high teenage pregnancy statistics but still, I think it’s not enough words out there about consent, about STDs, and all that and so many mistakes come from that.

LEAH: Yeah. Well, thank you for being part of the next revolution. MARTYNA: Thank you for having me.

[MUSIC]

LEAH: Thanks for joining me today on Good Girls Talk About Sex. If you have questions or comments about anything you’ve heard or if you’d like to be a guest on the show, please email me at leah@goodgirlstalkaboutsex.com.

I was only able to step outside of my good girl box when someone I respected told me it was possible to do it. If you’d like to step outside of your good girl box, I’m here to tell you that it’s possible and I can provide you with tools to name your desires and communicate them effectively to your partner or potential partners. If you’re interested in working with me, visit leahcarey.com/coaching. You can find me on Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube at IamLeahCarey. You can find these links and any resources we mentioned in the interview in the Show Notes. I’m Leah Carey and I look forward to talking with you again next week. Here’s to your better sex life!

[MUSIC]

Here are some of the great moments she shared with us:

  • 4:30 – Martyna’s first sexual experiences – by herself riding pillows, then playing with another little girl
  • 6:40 – The lessons she learned growing up Polish Catholic
  • 8:30 – Securing contraception in secret
  • 10:30 – Growing up with an alcoholic and emotionally abusive mom, and her teen rebellion
  • 11:30 – Martyna’s sense of shame around losing her virginity
  • 13:55 – Finding herself sexually, her exploration on the rebound
  • 15:30 – Martyna’s first experience of real consent conversations and the play that lead to her sexual awakening
  • 21:25 – Her intro to BDSM
  • 25:00 – Her masturbation to achieve orgasm when it wasn’t present in sex
  • 26:00 – How depression has affected her sex life
  • 31:20 – The relief of giving up control during sex
  • 32:45 – More specific details about her sexual activities with her current partner

Quick 5:

  • 37:00 – What is a fantasy you’ve been wanting to try but haven’t yet?
  • 38:55 – What’s the kinkiest thing you enjoy?
  • 40:20 – Do you swallow or not?
  • 41:51 – Do you enjoy direct stimulation to your clit?
  • 42:18 – How do you feel when a partner loses or can’t get an erection?

The Patreon extras for this episode are:

  • At the $1/month level, there’s an extended conversation about how the culture of different countries plays into gender roles and relationship expectations
  • At the $5/month level, Martyna talks more about the specifics of her BDSM activities with her partner
  • At the $7/month level, that conversation plus the extended Q&A
  • At the $10/month level, all that plus a monthly Ask Me Anything!

Learn more and become a community supporter at www.patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex.

If you like this show, please leave a rating and review at https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-girls-talk-about-sex/id1436501617?mt=2.

Want to be on the show? Visit www.leahcarey.com/guest and let me know that you’re interested. I’d love to talk with you!

To learn about Sexual Communication Coaching, visit www.leahcarey.com/coaching

Host – Leah Carey (Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, email)

Editor – Gretchen Kilby

Music by – Nazar Rybak