Kay is our youngest guest yet, and she lets us in on how her generation is exploring sex differently because they’re the first with easy access to p*rn. She has dated people of multiple genders, and realized she loves all bodies. Despite her young age, Kay has already learned hard lessons about toxic relationships, trust, and consent.

Kay is an 18-year-old cisgender female. She describes herself as Black, pansexual, monogamous, and in a relationship. She grew up Catholic and describes her body as full.

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT (CLICK TO OPEN)

LEAH: Welcome to Good Girls Talk About Sex. I am sex and intimacy coach, Leah Carey, and this is a place to share conversations with all sorts of women about their experience of sexuality. These are unfiltered conversations between adult women talking about sex. If anything about the previous sentence offends you, turn back now! And if you’re looking for a trigger warning, you’re not going to get it from me. I believe that you are stronger than the trauma you have experienced. I have faith in your ability to deal with things that upset you. Sound good? Let’s start the show!

[MUSIC]

LEAH: Hey, friends. I’m really excited about sharing this conversation with you and I want to give you a little information about it before we jump in. In most of these interviews, I have asked people how sex education was handled in their schooling. And for the most part, the answer is somewhere between none at all and piss poor.

While many schools cover disease prevention and pregnancy prevention, virtually no one is teaching teenagers how to have healthy conversations about sex and relationships. And I think that’s a travesty. I’ve had numerous adults contact me and say they wish they had heard this podcast when they were teenagers because it could have corrected rampant misinformation and misconceptions.

Unfortunately, most teenagers will never know this podcast exists because it’s relegated into explicit and 18+ categories. And my material on Instagram and other social media channels is constantly in danger of being taken down for being too explicit, even though it’s purely educational. It’s true of every sex educator working in the online space. We are all freaked out about potentially losing our accounts simply for providing information. We are consistently deprioritized in the algorithms.

Just this week as I’m recording this, I had a post about whether your sexual desires make you a “bad feminist” and it was shadow banned, meaning it wasn’t shown to anyone except my most fervent followers. The result is that it’s easier for tweens and teens to find online porn than it is for them to find good factual educational information about sex and that’s why today’s conversation is so important.

Our guest Kay is 18 years old, the youngest guest yet. Free online porn has provided most of what passes for sex education in Kay’s life. She found my podcast a while back and has learned some new information from it. You’ll hear that the tone of my conversation with her is a bit different than most because she’s still so early in her sexual journey. I break in numerous times to correct bad information, offer her ideas she’s never thought of before, and generally act like the big sister I wish all teens had.

If you have a teenager, I urge you to listen to this episode, once by yourself and then consider listening to it again with your child. It’s a way to open a conversation with your teen about where they’re getting their sexual information and how much of it is based in reality. One other thing, Kay speaks briefly but candidly about a suicide attempt. I considered editing the details out, but it’s an important part of her story and it felt wrong to minimize that.

Okay. Let’s jump into the conversation. Kay is an 18-year-old cisgender female. She describes herself as Black, pansexual, monogamous, and in a relationship. She grew up Catholic and describes her body as full. I’m so pleased to introduce Kay!

Kay, I’m so excited to talk to you. You are the youngest person I’ve spoken to yet at 18 years old. So, the first thing I want to know is I’m really curious why you want to have this conversation today?

KAY: I feel like having this conversation will help me better understand what I like if I talk about it and just going through some stuff.

LEAH: Yeah. I actually really love that. I love the idea of coming here to have these conversations, not because you already know everything you want to talk about, but because you want to figure things out by talking them through. That’s really awesome. So, welcome. I’m thrilled to have you here.

KAY: Thank you.

LEAH: Yeah. Let’s start where I start every interview, which is what is your first memory of sexual pleasure?

KAY: Probably around 6th grade and I discovered people in my school, class, were watching porn because it was a thing then and I found it amusing.

LEAH: So, to you, six years ago probably seems like a really, really long time ago.

KAY: Yeah.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: To me, it seems like the snap of a finger.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Okay. So, you discovered people were watching porn and so did you have an interest in exploring that with them?

KAY: Yeah. We used to watch it in school on the bus and all that. And then, eventually I watched alone at home.

LEAH: What kinds of porn were you watching?

KAY: I liked straight, lesbian. I discover different things to see what I like. It’s not like a specific type.

LEAH: Yeah. So, I imagine there might be some people listening to this who are mothers of teenagers or even fathers of teenagers thinking, “Oh my god. My kid can watch porn on the school bus?”

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: So, where were you finding this and how were you accessing it?

KAY: I didn’t have a phone at the time. My friends were watching it and stuff, even some kids in the library at school.

LEAH: So, watching on phones?

KAY: Yes, devices.

LEAH: Yeah. What kinds of sites were people using? Were they sites where you had to give a credit card or are they free sites?

KAY: Free sites.

LEAH: Were you enjoying watching that porn and feeling like, “Oh, these are things I want to do?” Was this sex education for you?

KAY: Yeah. It was more like learning more than pleasure, but I got pleasure out of it.

LEAH: What kinds of things did you learn?

KAY: I haven’t did anything yet, so I wanted to learn for when I actually do do something with someone, so I’d know how to do it. And it was just hand jobs, blowjobs, everything.

LEAH: Yeah. Were there any things that you saw that you felt uncomfortable about?

KAY: Yes, on the site, I didn’t enjoy peeing and gruesome stuff. Yeah. Those are really uncomfortable.

LEAH: Yeah, sure. Did you see things like women being forced to give blow jobs?

KAY: Oh, yes. I do not watch those. Those make me very uncomfortable.

LEAH: Yeah. Okay. And what about anal kinds of things?

KAY: I’m not against it, but I personally probably wouldn’t do it, but I enjoy watching it.

LEAH: You do? Okay. So, there’s a distinction for you between what you enjoy watching and what you might actually want to do?

KAY: Yes.

LEAH: Yeah. I think that’s really important to recognize because it’s true for a lot of us. My biggest turn-on in terms of fantasy and reading and watching is power play, dominant sub. But when I actually do it in real life, it’s never quite as interesting as it is when I watch it or read about it.

KAY: Right.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Yeah. Before we started recording when I was asking you your basic information, you said that you’re pansexual. So, was the porn that you were watching featuring all genders or just two genders?

KAY: It was just two genders at the time.

LEAH: Okay. So, how did you discover that you are interested in all genders?

KAY: When I was in about 7th grade, I didn’t really come out, but I was bi. I liked male and female and I didn’t really see a problem with it. It wasn’t a problem. I just thought it was normal for me until people were against that, but that didn’t come later for me. And then, in 8th grade, I had a group of friends and they male, female, everything. And I dated a transgender man, transgender woman, so I discovered a lot of different things that I like and I like them all equally based on personality and all that.

LEAH: Yeah. So, this isn’t just theoretical for you. Not to say it being theoretical makes it any less real, but you’ve actually had skin-to-skin experience with people of a variety of genders and you know that that’s something you’re open to and okay with.

KAY: Yes.

LEAH: Yeah. Okay. Great. Okay. So, let’s go back. You said that when you were in 7th grade, you said you didn’t come out, but you sort of came out as bisexual.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: So, what did that look like for you? What was that not coming out process for you?

KAY: It was a thing in our class. Our class was separated, girls with girls, boys with boys. So, we were around girls all the time.

LEAH: So, just in your everyday classes, it was separated by gender?

KAY: Yes.

LEAH: Was this a public school or a private school?

KAY: Private school.

LEAH: Catholic school?

KAY: Mm-hmm, yes.

LEAH: Oh, okay. All right. Go on.

[LAUGHTER]

KAY: And so, we were around girls all the time. And eventually, girls were just doing that in class like kissing, stuff like that. I didn’t see anything wrong with it. I liked both, but I didn’t know I liked both at the time. I just was like, “This is okay.” It was normal for me. So, I was attracted to male and female at the time in my school.

LEAH: So, both genders were present in the school. You just had separated classes?

KAY: Yes.

LEAH: Yeah. When you say girls were kissing in class, I have to imagine you don’t actually mean in class?

KAY: When the teacher wasn’t watching, but behind the scenes, yeah.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Oh my goodness, wow. Things have changed a lot since I was in high school.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: That never would have happened even between boys and girls. So, you have realized that you are attracted to both. And when you say you didn’t really come out, but it became an issue, what does that mean?

KAY: In 6th grade, it was fine. But then towards 8th grade, that’s when people really were against gay people and stuff like that, which I don’t know where it came from. I guess it was just the culture at the time was like downing the LGBTQ+ community and they were really against that. They were bullying people, using fag, and stuff like that. And so, it made me uncomfortable because I feel like they shouldn’t hide who they are, but it was a lot of people were uncomfortable who were a part of that community.

LEAH: So, it sounds like you’re saying it was other students who were causing the issue, not necessarily the teachers or the faculty?

KAY: Yes.

LEAH: Did the teachers or faculty have anything to say about queer relationships?

KAY: They never mentioned anything. I’m pretty sure they were aware. They would stop rude behavior towards that, but they would stop it at that.

LEAH: So, they weren’t saying that it was true that anything outside of one man and one woman was sinful or anything like that?

KAY: No. Actually, my principal, he addressed when people would say the word fag. He was like, “That’s a cigarette.” And he was like, “You shouldn’t be using that word. You don’t even know the meaning or whatever.”

LEAH: Wow. So, did you get any kind of sex ed in school?

KAY: Yes, but it was everything I already knew.

LEAH: Like what?

KAY: So, they would just teach you about the female part, male part. They wouldn’t get in-depth at all. Really, the only thing I remember is they were just teaching about the female part, male part, how babies are made, but they wouldn’t get in-depth. They would just be like sperm, egg, and then boom.

LEAH: Yeah. So, no conversation about how to have a healthy relationship?

KAY: No.

LEAH: That’s the part that I feel like is missing. The physical pieces of how sex actually happens, that piece is missing, but really what people need is what are the ways to build a healthy relationship and have healthy communication around sex, but people are so afraid that if you talk about sex, then everybody’s going to suddenly want to have it.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: So, when did you have your first kiss?

KAY: I had my first kiss freshman year of high school with my best friend.

LEAH: Male or female or other?

[LAUGHTER]

KAY: Female.

LEAH: Female, okay. And was it a romantic thing or was it a practice thing?

KAY: We were playing truth or dare and we were on Instagram Live, so the followers who see our Live gets to type in dares for us to do. So, they dared that. Yeah.

[LAUGHTER]

KAY: It was my first kiss, but I was the one who made the first move. 4+

LEAH: So, when that dare came up, were you excited about it?

KAY: Yeah. We were laughing. It wasn’t uncomfortable, but we were friends, so it was weird. But I’m like, “Okay. We should do this. No big deal.”

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: So, when you actually did it, was it fun? Was it pleasurable?

KAY: Yes.

LEAH: Yeah. Did the two of you ever kiss again after that?

KAY: Yes, a few months after that. We were growing really close and then a few months after that, we just started being close romantically, but it wasn’t official yet. And so, I kissed her in the hallway in school. And then, after that, things were just romantic like an actual relationship.

LEAH: Yeah. That was really brave of you to kiss her in the hallway at school.

KAY: Yeah.

LEAH: How did you get up the bravery to do that?

KAY: My heart was dropping every time because I close off on people when I’m scared to do something. And she’s the type of person that was like, “What’s wrong?” She won’t stop asking until I tell her what’s wrong. And so, I was about to walk away and I was like, “Okay.” I just closed my eyes and went for it. And then, she was surprised and she was happy.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Yeah. So, how did that relationship develop? You said it became romantic.

KAY: It was really good. We broke up a few times and then got back together. The reasons we broke up was because I was very depressed and suicidal and so was she. So, it was really toxic because we both had that mindset and it just got in the way of everything.

LEAH: Yeah. Having two people with mental health issues is really a challenge. It’s something I deal with, with my partner. He and I both deal with depression and anxiety and it’s hard.

KAY: Yeah.

LEAH: Yeah. You mentioned that you were suicidal. Do you want to talk at all about what was going on with you?

KAY: Yeah. I don’t mind. It started summer after 8th grade. I met these group of people that I was talking about that were all genders, but it was one specific person who introduced me to one of my best friends in 8th grade. We were already friends, but then this one person, and we were all online. I was talking to strangers online I wasn’t supposed to.

And so, the stranger, basically he just tormented us, but we kept going back to him because we saw him as a father figure, I guess you could say because he was older than us. We were 13, 14. He was 21, 22, I guess or so he said. I’m not sure because it’s online. But I feel like that’s when it all started. He was just tormenting us, but we didn’t realize it because we thought he was our friend. But he just turned us against one another and I lost my best friend from 8th grade because of it. And going into high school, it was so overwhelming because I wasn’t used to so much work and stuff was going on at home, trying to find new friends. It was just really overwhelming and depressing.

LEAH: Yeah, that’s a lot. Have you moved out of that depressive space?

KAY: Yes.

LEAH: Yeah. And what helped you to find more stability?

KAY: Well, I was depressed until junior year of high school. It went on for almost three years. And I had two therapists, but they did not help me at all. I felt like I was more depressed when I had therapists. So, I got rid of those therapists. And I don’t know, I guess I focused on myself.

Actually, it was one time I attempted suicide. I guess I passed out and then I woke up. And I’m like, “I need to stop doing this because I’m hurting other people and I need to get better.” So, ever since that day, I’ve been working on getting better. And now, I’m not depressed. Yeah. I’m not depressed anymore, but it’s still there. It doesn’t go away, but I know how to manage it better.

LEAH: Yeah. I’m really glad that you’re still here.

KAY: Thank you.

LEAH: Yeah. That was a lot.

KAY: I know.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: So, I just want to give you space to breathe for a second.

KAY: Yeah.

LEAH: You mentioned that you and your first girlfriend, did you call each other girlfriends?

KAY: Yes.

LEAH: Yeah. Okay. You mentioned that you were together for it sounds like quite a while, but you broke up a couple of times. How far did the two of you go in terms of exploring and sex?

KAY: We didn’t go very far, just kissing, touching each other. It was one time we were going to do something, but we were at school.

[LAUGHTER]

KAY: So, she was like I don’t want to get caught and stuff. I’m like, “You’re right.” So, we didn’t go anything past touching boobs and all that.

LEAH: So, under the shirt like tops off?

KAY: Yeah.

LEAH: Yeah. Okay. Was it fun? Did you get pleasure from that exploration with her?

KAY: Yes, I did. It was a very good experience especially with her because she meant so much to me because she was already my best friend at the time.

LEAH: Yeah. So, when things ended with her, what happened to the friendship? Were you able to salvage that?

KAY: Every time we broke up, we moved farther and farther apart. And I don’t recommend dating friends because once you break up, the friendship is gone obviously too. So, I did that a couple times with friends, dating them, and it never worked out.

LEAH: It’s hard too when you’re in high school and you have a limited group of people too. I don’t know how large your high school was, but yeah. Okay. Things end with her, then what happened next?

KAY: When things ended with her, I just stopped hanging out with that group of people because we were already so far apart. I’m like, “I should find a new group of friends to hang out with.” I got a new friend and we were friends for about two months. And then, she said that she liked me and I liked her too, so we ended up going out.

LEAH: And how was that relationship for you?

KAY: I liked it a lot. She was very open and she had issues too like depression and issues at home. So, we were both trying to help each other with our issues, but I feel like once person has issues, you can’t help the other person without pushing your issues onto them. So, it got messed up because our issues were in the way of everything. So, we would have little arguments and stuff. And eventually, it was a mutual breakup. We both agreed to that.

LEAH: And how far had things gone with her?

KAY: It was about four months. Yeah.

LEAH: How far had things gone sexually or touching-wise?

KAY: I touched her private area over her panties. That’s the farthest it went.

LEAH: And did she touch you the same way?

KAY: Yes.

LEAH: Yeah. And was that pleasurable for you?

KAY: Yes, it was. I really enjoyed it.

LEAH: Yeah. So, let’s talk about what’s going on at home. Were your parents aware that you were dating other women?

KAY: Okay. So, it’s just me and my mother. And she looked at my phone in 8th grade and found out that I was talking to girls. She didn’t seem shocked by it, but she didn’t say anything after that. So, she knew I had female friends. And I think she knew I was dating them, but she didn’t say anything about it.

LEAH: So, you never had an actual coming out conversation with her?

KAY: I mentioned it. I was like, “I like girls.” And it was just like, “Okay.” It was just like that.

LEAH: So, she didn’t have an issue with that?

KAY: No.

LEAH: Yeah. Good, I’m glad to hear that.

[MUSIC]

LEAH: Are you aching to explore new vistas of your sexuality, but you’re not quite sure how to proceed? Are you wondering if your desires are normal? Are you afraid you’ll have to blow up your existing relationship to have the kind of sex you want? Or maybe you’re hearing these conversations every week and thinking, “I understand what she’s talking about. I just don’t know how to do it in my life?” Well, that’s where personalized sex and intimacy coaching comes in.

When you work with me, I promise to help you feel safe exploring your sexuality. I promise that your sexuality is not shameful. And together, we’ll help you see yourself, your needs, and your desires without judgment. Now, I’m not going to tell you what you should do or feed you answers. That’s not what coaching is about. Instead, I’m going to walk with you in the process of discovering what’s right for you in a way that respects your emotional needs, your boundaries, and the pace that’s right for your nervous system because going too fast can send you into shutdown, while going too slow can be infuriating and exhausting. The goal is to find the right pace for you.

I work with clients who are motivated to explore many different areas of sexuality including things like learning how to talk about your sexual desires with current or future partners, learning to date after a long time out of the dating pool, questioning if you might be queer, challenging body image insecurity in sexual relationships, dipping your toes into BDSM or consensual non-monogamy, exploring sexuality for later in life virgins, recovering from infidelity, and so much more.

I believe this work is deeply important and should be available to every woman regardless of your financial situation. That is why I now offer variable pricing. Whether you’re experiencing financial challenges, are financially stable, or have some extra to pay it forward, there’s an option for you and I give the same level of care and support to you regardless of the pricing level you choose. For more information and to schedule a discovery call, visit www.leahcarey.com/coaching. That’s leahcarey.com/coaching. Now, let’s back to the conversation.

[MUSIC]

LEAH: What kinds of conversations did you and your mom have about sex and sexuality?

KAY: It wasn’t really in-depth. She just told me stuff that she’d been through, stuff she did when she was younger and to be careful and stuff like that, but it wasn’t how to do it or anything that I could learn to do from.

LEAH: Yeah. Were they good conversations? Were you glad that you had had them or were they more uncomfortable?

KAY: They were good conversations. I like talking about that stuff because I like knowing information that is different than what people learn, if that makes sense. I don’t know if I’m making sense.

LEAH: Yeah, sure. Absolutely. So, do you feel comfortable talking to her about your sex life?

KAY: Yes. I try to bring it up, but I feel like it just gets pushed away. She doesn’t want to hear it.

LEAH: By her?

KAY: Yeah.

LEAH: Is there anything that would help to make that easier between the two of you?

KAY: Honestly, I don’t know. I don’t think so. Once something is set that she doesn’t want to hear it, then she doesn’t want to hear it. So, I don’t bring it up again.

LEAH: Sure. Let’s go back to your relationships. You’ve broken up with the second young woman. What happened next?

KAY: Next, I met a boy on Instagram through a mutual friend. He went to a different school and that happened faster than I wanted it to. I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I like getting to know a person as a friend before jumping into a relationship. So, we just jumped right into it and it was a very, very toxic relationship.

LEAH: When you say it happened faster than you wanted, how did that happen? Was he putting pressure on you or how did that go?

KAY: When we were talking, he was hinting as like, “Girlfriend, girlfriend. I want a girlfriend.” Eventually I was like, “Okay. Yeah.” Because I don’t want to be rude. I liked him as a person, but I wasn’t ready to get into a relationship and I told him that. He was sweet about it, but I’m like, “Okay.” Eventually, I gave in.

LEAH: So, it was giving in? It wasn’t choosing to be in a relationship?

KAY: Yeah.

LEAH: Yeah. And so, what was that relationship like for you?

KAY: The first six months was like a fairytale. It was fun. We got to know each other better. We were laughing all the time. It was very healthy. When I first seen him in person, I was very, very nervous and scared, but it turned out really good. And then after that, things just started going downhill. It was the type of relationship where my opinions don’t matter and whatever he thinks is fact. Yeah.

LEAH: Ugh, that’s rough.

KAY: I know.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: How did that change happen? Was it very sudden? Did it happen over time?

KAY: It was gradually. I let it slide a few times. I’m like, “Okay. That’s your opinion, whatever.” But then, it just started going more and more. And I’m like, “I can’t take this anymore.”

LEAH: Yeah. So, how long did that go on before you’re like, “I’m out?”

KAY: That went out for almost two years.

LEAH: Oh, wow. That’s a long time.

KAY: Yeah.

LEAH: What kept you from leaving?

KAY: I don’t know. He was very toxic, but for some reason, it kept drawing me back in. I didn’t realize it was bad for me and I could tell it was toxic. But every time we argue, the makeup part of it would be a sensation for me like, “Wow, we’re making up and now everything’s better.” But then, it would just go back and it’s just back and forth.

LEAH: That’s part of the dynamic. Obviously, I don’t know anything about this except the little that you’ve just said, so I don’t want to claim that he’s an abusive type. But what I do want to say is that that is part of the abuser’s MO is that things get bad and bad and bad and just when they think you’re going to leave, they do the love bombing that draws you back in. And you’re like, “Oh, baby. Things will be better this time.” And then, you just get enough to stay and then things start to get bad again until the next time. Yeah. I’m sorry that you went through that. That really sucks.

KAY: Thank you. And it was verbal abuse. He would say things like, “You’re getting too fat. You need to lose weight or work out.” And I like to eat a lot. I don’t eat excessively, I just eat. And he’s like, “You need to stop eating so much.” And it was just body image things like he wanted to paint me out to what he wanted me to be instead of accepting me for who I am.

LEAH: Yeah. So, that is not okay.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: I know that we connected on Instagram, so I know that you probably have seen how I post about this a lot on Instagram. There are people who want to love you in the body you are in today. You do not need to stay in a relationship with somebody who is criticizing your body. Very often, one of the things that people will say is, “You need to look better because if you left me, then nobody would want you in the shape you’re in anyway.” And so, they set up this mind fuckery that is, “I’m the best you can get and I’m going to abuse you verbally about your body,” when all of that is complete and utter bullshit and there are people who want to love you in exactly the body you’re in today, with exactly the food intake that you have today.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: You don’t need to change in order to be lovable to somebody. So, what got you to the point where you were finally able to end that relationship?

KAY: Things were already so bad between us. I didn’t have no love. I just felt hatred. But I was still with him because I’m like, “Maybe it’ll get better.” And then, he cheated on me.

LEAH: I’m sorry.

KAY: An incident like that happened before where he sent a picture to a girl and it was a shirtless picture. And he said he wanted to try modelling, so he was getting other people’s opinion. And I was like, “Why didn’t you send it to any of your guy friends or me?” And he was like, “I just need a different opinion.”

LEAH: That’s a hell of a line.

KAY: I know.

[LAUGHTER]

KAY: And so, last year what happened was we just stopped talking. I’m like, “We need some space.” But we didn’t break up, just stop talking for a couple of days. He had gave me his Instagram password and I gave him mine. Part of me was like, “Log out. That’s none of your business. It’s privacy.” And then, part of me was like, “I know there’s something going on here, so let me snoop around.” So, of course, I snooped around and I was so heartbroken. It was multiple people and it was going on for a long time.

LEAH: Yeah. I’m sorry, that sucks.

KAY: Yeah.

LEAH: Earlier on our conversation, you said something about you’d had sex, by which I’m assuming you mean intercourse with someone before and you didn’t really remember it. Is that with this guy?

KAY: Yes.

LEAH: Yeah. So, how did your sexual relationship with him start and develop?

KAY: So, we were just sexting. We couldn’t see each other all the time because my mom’s very protective. So, I was just going to school, coming home, occasionally going out with friends. So, I didn’t really see him when I wanted to, so I’d have to sneak to see him. So, one day I snuck and saw him and we decided to do it.

We went to his house and I was already scared. I had anxiety because if my mom found out, I would die. So, when it happened, when he was about to insert it in me, it hurted really bad. I’m like, “This is supposed to happen because I’m a virgin.” But it was just super, super painful and I’m like, “Maybe it’s because of my anxiety. I can’t relax myself.” And so, we kept trying and then, I’m like, “I can’t do this.” And so, we waited until another day to try it again. It was still super painful, but I’m like, “I don’t want to back out now because I already backed out before.” So, I’m like, “Okay. I can just handle it or whatever.” And it only lasted for about two minutes.

I don’t know if I enjoyed it. I didn’t not like it, but I didn’t it either. Maybe it just wasn’t a connection between us to make it special because he was a very lustful person. And I know he was just looking at it sex instead of making love like how I was looking at it. And so, it wasn’t a very sensual. It was just like get it done.

LEAH: So, I want to pause here for a second and do a public service announcement.

KAY: Okay.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: For you, for other young women who might be listening who haven’t had intercourse yet, and also for parents of teenage kids, teenage daughters, it’s worth having this conversation. There is a lot of cultural mythology about how the first time is supposed to be painful, how the first time your hymen’s going to break and that’s going to hurt and there’s going be bleeding and all of this.

Your first time is not meant to be painful. It does not need to be painful. The reason that it’s painful is because you’re not ready. It’s because you’re not wet enough. You’re not turned on in order to get wet. You’re not relaxed enough like you said and there are ways to deal with all of those things. If you’re turned on, but not wet, you can use lubricant. If you’re not wet because you’re not turned on, then you fucking shouldn’t be being penetrated yet.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Your turn-on is just as important as his turn-on. Just because he’s hard does not mean that it’s not time for sex or time for penetration. You get to be turned on too. And if you’re not relaxed, that should be an absolute nonstarter for everybody involved. If you’re not relaxed that means you’re not feeling safe yet and you absolutely should be feeling safe when you have sex, not just the first time, every time. But especially the first time. You need to feel safe.

So, this idea that your first time is going to be really painful and so you should just push through it and get it done, there may be some discomfort. For some people, there might. It’s something new. It’s unfamiliar, but pain, absolutely not. If there’s pain, it’s time to stop and reevaluate what’s not quite working for you yet.

KAY: Yeah. I remember when we were done, he was like, “Aren’t you supposed to be bleeding after? Have you did this before already?” And I was like, “No. I never did this before.” So, I’m like, “Okay.” I heard somewhere that you’re supposed to bleed because a cherry popped, but that never happened for me. So, I’m like, “Maybe something is wrong with me because I didn’t bleed.”

LEAH: That is absolute cultural mythology. Some people do. I wouldn’t be surprised if some of that blood came because there was tearing because the woman wasn’t ready. There is the whole thing about the hymen breaking. I have to be honest and say there is some physiological stuff there that I don’t quite understand yet, but this whole mythology about the hymen breaking has nothing to do with sex. There are so many ways that the hymen can “break” that have nothing to do with sex. So, all of this is just patriarchal, misogynistic bullshit.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: If you want to trace it back, one of the reasons that that became a thing was, for instance, I’m not saying it’s the first time it happened, but one of the ways that this happened was that, I’m not great in history, so take all of this with a big old grain of salt, but back in the times of kings and queens that it was important to them that the bloodline be uninterrupted.

So, they wanted to make sure that when the king made the queen pregnant or when the queen became pregnant, it was absolutely positively the king’s child. So, the only way to make certain of that was that she had to be a virgin when they first had sex and the way to “demonstrate” that she was a virgin was for there to be blood on the sheets.

KAY: Oh, wow.

LEAH: Yeah. It’s all patriarchal misogynistic fucking bullshit.

KAY: That’s terrible.

LEAH: None of it needs to be a part of your reality. Okay.

KAY: And I think that’s where it got between sex education and school barely being anything, not really talking about anything with my mother, so I just go off what I hear on TV or what other people talk about. So, I’m like, “This is how it’s supposed to be.”

LEAH: And porn.

KAY: Right.

LEAH: Yeah, exactly. This is why we need comprehensive sex ed in schools.

KAY: Right.

LEAH: Yeah. I’m so sorry and I’m mad for you. You shouldn’t have had to go through this, but yeah. So, the first time was nothing to write home about, it sounds like.

KAY: No.

LEAH: Did it get any better or did things continue in that vein throughout the relationship?

KAY: There was one time and we were usually in a car. Okay. So, he didn’t have a car, so his grandmother drove him everywhere. And while his grandma would go somewhere else and we’d have the car and do it in the car, but I was uncomfortable with that because that’s your grandmother’s car. That’s not respectful, but I’m like, “Okay.”

But it was one time I did actually enjoy it, but I usually only saw him on my breaks. So, I only had thirty minutes to do anything. But the other times, it was just very uncomfortable. And then, it was just our whole sexual relationship was uncomfortable, but I didn’t think you were supposed to actually enjoy having sex. I thought it was just part of what you’re supposed to do in a relationship.

LEAH: Yeah. Did you want to have sex? Was there an internal desire for it or were you doing it because like you said, you felt like that was what you were supposed to do?

KAY: I feel like it was both because I wasn’t supposed to be doing any of that anyway. But I’m like a rebel, I always go against what I’m not supposed to do.

[LAUGHTER]

KAY: So, I’m like, “I should do this just because I’m not supposed to do it.” And also, it was like, “Everyone’s doing it and I just want to get it over with.” So, I just did it.

LEAH: Yeah. And you were 14 at that time?

KAY: No, this was junior year so around 16, 17.

LEAH: Okay. So, that relationship finally came to an end. You mentioned that you’re in a relationship now. So, how is this relationship in terms of sex and your sexuality?

KAY: So, I’m with a male now. They’re the sweetest person ever. At first, it started out nice. I really enjoyed it. I had my first orgasm with him and it was very pleasurable experience. But then, we’ve been together for six months. This just happened a few months ago, like two months ago, when we were doing it and I didn’t like that position, it was hurting. And I kept saying, “Stop” and he didn’t stop.

And ever since then, I’ve been totally turned off to the idea of having sex and that happened more than once. And I was like, “You can’t do that. That’s rape. If I were to report you, you could get in a lot of trouble for that.” When he met me, he was a virgin, so he’d be like, “I just never had this before. I’m sorry.” But you have to respect my boundaries. And so, now when we hang out, he wants to do that. I’m like, “I don’t want to be touched because I’m traumatized about that and I’m not comfortable around you yet. So, you have to let me build back up that comfort that you took away from me.”

LEAH: And how does he respond when you say that?

KAY: I can tell he gets upset and he gets quiet. But I’m like, “You did this.” He’s like, “I know. I’m sorry.” He doesn’t get mad, but you can tell he gets upset.

LEAH: Does he really understand do you think that that was assault or is he going along with what you’re saying because he just wants to make things okay again?

KAY: I feel like he’s just going along with what I’m saying, because he doesn’t understand. Even when he touches me like touch my butt or my boobs and I say, “I don’t want to be touched” and he still touches me. If I don’t want to be touched, I don’t want to be touched. But he doesn’t do it in a way where he’s purposely trying. I feel like he never had a real relationship before, so he doesn’t really know what he’s supposed to do. So, I teach him, but then he doesn’t listen. So, it’s just him trying to get it through his head that this isn’t going to work if you keep doing this.

LEAH: So, why do you stay with him?

KAY: He’s such a sweet person and it’s just that aspect of sexual touch that’s the area wrong. But everything else is just perfect. He’s just sweet. He doesn’t insult me. He doesn’t body shame me. He treats me with respect and I never had that from a male in a relationship before. But I know that’s the bare minimum. You’re supposed to be treated with respect.

LEAH: Yeah, exactly. And respect includes hearing and respecting your boundaries around your body, which it sounds like he’s not doing.

KAY: Yeah. So, I haven’t did that in a while with him and we had a discussion yesterday actually. I’m like, “If you keep touching me and I don’t want to be touched, I’m going to break up with you. I keep telling you to stop and you’re not stopping and that makes me uncomfortable. That makes me not want to be around you. That makes me not want to do any of that with you and I know you want that. And I want that too, but I can’t do that if I’m uncomfortable around you.”

LEAH: Yeah, exactly. Maybe have him listen to this podcast. Not just this episode, but to the podcast in general where women talk about boundaries because he should be listening to you. Like you said, that is the absolute bare minimum. But if he can’t hear it from you, maybe he can hear it from other women and extrapolate it out to, “Oh, my behavior is bad and I need to hear the things that I can learn.” It’s worth a try.

KAY: And especially in my generation, this probably happens all the time, but people don’t understand. Just because you’re in a relationship, you’re engaged, you’re married, if a woman or someone doesn’t want to be touched, do not touch them. It doesn’t matter whether you’re with them or not, just respect people’s boundaries.

LEAH: Yeah.

[MUSIC]

LEAH: Friends, let’s talk about Patreon. It has been quite an evolution over the last two and a half years. For a long time, I took cuts from the episodes and put them on Patreon for people who financially supported the show. But by mid-2020, that no longer felt right because I was hearing from listeners who said they wanted to hear the Patreon extras because the show was making such a difference in their lives, but they couldn’t afford to donate. It really doesn’t feel appropriate to withhold this material in exchange for monetary support. That’s just not what I’m about.

So, from July 2020 through April 2021, I made all audio extras at Patreon free for everyone and that has worked well. I’ve been pleased to see that my Patreon support didn’t drop when you were supporting the show because you appreciate it rather than paying to get something in exchange. And now, I’m evolving again. Instead of pulling clips out of the show for Patreon and keeping the main episode as close to 50 minutes as possible, I’m letting the conversations play out in full in the main episode.

If my work is meaningful to you and you have a few dollars to support it each month, I will gratefully accept your patronage at Patreon. If you have more than a few dollars, consider donating extra in honor of women who need this material, but aren’t in a position to contribute. And I donate 10% of all Patreon contributions to ARC-Southeast, an organization that supports women in the Southeast United States to access reproductive services that are currently being legislated out of existence.

I appreciate every one of you, whether you’re a client, a contributor, a social media follower or a silent listener. I trust you to know what’s right for you. Thank you for being here. You can find out more and become a community member at patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex. And if your finances are tight, but you still want to support the show, I would love it if you would take a screenshot of this episode on your phone and post it on Instagram. Tag me in your post and I’ll send you a personal thank you. Or send your favorite episode to a friend and invite them to chat about it with you. Use this show as a jumping off point to deepen your own conversations around intimacy and sex. Now, let’s get back to the conversation.

[MUSIC]

LEAH: Your generation has experienced something that no generation before yours has, which is easy access to porn as young as middle school.

KAY: Yes.

LEAH: And that I think is going to have some profound effects on how your generation interacts with sexuality because so many of your peers have used porn as their sex education. And in porn, women don’t say no. In porn, men never have to stop. And I’m not bagging on porn, I actually think there are some real uses for it that are positive, but as sex education, absolutely not. And your generation has had porn as the basis for their sex education and that’s really scary.

KAY: It’s just stuff in porn is not realistic and it took me a long time to realize that because when I’m being sexual with partner, it doesn’t last for an hour like it’s “supposed” to. And then, I feel bad because I’m like, “Oh, that’s how it’s supposed to be.” And a lot of things that I do, I’m like, “I’m not giving enough because it’s supposed to be like this” because I learned from a porn video.

LEAH: Right. And all of that, it is, are you familiar with term the male gaze?

KAY: No.

LEAH: So, there’s this idea that because men have traditionally been the ones to make movies and make porn, that things are framed for how men generally enjoy things. They are made for the male gaze. Porn is made to fulfill male fantasies because it has been made by men. There are now a few female porn directors and they’re porn looks very, very different because they’re making it from the point of view of a woman and what turns a woman on and what’s exciting and fun for a woman. It looks so different.

That’s why I say I don’t think that porn is across the table bad. It’s not. But if all you’re doing is seeing this male fantasy of being able to pound her for 15 minutes and she’s writhing and screaming in pleasure the whole time and, “Oh my god. You’re the best thing and you have the biggest cock and blah.”

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: That’s not how women work in real life, at least not most of us. Maybe there are some and I don’t want to dismiss that, but most of us do not live up to the male ideal that is depicted in most porn. And when you’ve gotten the message that that’s how you’re supposed to behave, that’s how you’re supposed to experience it, no wonder you’re not having pleasure. No wonder you’re not staying present because you can’t perform the porn act and be present to have your own pleasure at the same time. Those two things are mutually exclusive.

KAY: Right. Yeah. In both of my sexual relationships, that has been the thing. They do things or they want me to do things that they’ve seen in a video, but they’re actors. I’m not an actor. I can’t do that, flexible wise and all that, I’m just not.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Right. Yeah, absolutely. And I also want to say that at such time as you become sexually active with another female or someone who is not a cisgender man, that the porn that is made about lesbian relationships is no more accurate than the porn made about heterosexual sexual relationships.

So, if you’re looking for some ideas or some ways to think about sex with a woman, I would highly recommend that you seek out some feminist porn, porn made by women. Because what you’re going to see if you look at “regular” porn of two women, again is the male fantasy of what it looks like for two women to be together, which has absolutely no bearing on what it’s actually like when two women are together.

KAY: Yeah.

LEAH: All right. I’ve ranted about porn enough.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Unless you have other questions or other things you want to say about it?

KAY: I also enjoy watching gay porn like two males. I don’t know. I like to see porn where I can see myself doing that. So, I don’t understand why I like watching that, but yeah. That was always a question in the air for me like why do I like certain things when it doesn’t apply to me?

LEAH: You are not alone in that. There are a lot of straight women who enjoy watching lesbian porn. There are a lot of women of all sexualities who enjoy watching gay male porn. I don’t know exactly what that mechanism is that makes that happen, but it’s not unusual. There’s nothing weird about it. There is in fact an entire genre of books that are gay male romances written by heterosexual women. Why? I don’t know.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: But I got to tell you. I’ve read a few of them and they are hot.

[LAUGHTER]

KAY: Wow.

LEAH: Yeah. So, it’s okay to like what you like. It doesn’t make you weird.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Yeah. The one thing we haven’t touched on yet is masturbation. Did you masturbate at any point during your growing up?

KAY: Yes. I started I’m going to say 4th grade before I even knew about porn. Yeah. I think it was around 4th grade and it was just touching myself. I knew what it was. I knew what I was doing. I knew not to do it in public, but it was just a normal thing for me. So, I did that ever since 4th grade until now.

LEAH: And do you get pleasure from it?

KAY: Yes, I get way more pleasure than I have with intercourse.

LEAH: You said that with your current partner, you had your first orgasm. Had you had an orgasm from masturbation before you had an orgasm from intercourse?

KAY: Yes, but from what I experienced, I feel like there’s two different kinds. I don’t know if I’m correct or not, but I do climax when I’m masturbating, but it feels different than when I’m climaxing from intercourse.

LEAH: Absolutely. They’re two different actions, so it makes sense that they would feel different. Yeah.

KAY: But I definitely like intercourse orgasms better.

[MUSIC]

LEAH: And now it’s time for the Lowdown, the things we’re dying to know, but would usually be too polite to ask any good girl.

[MUSIC]

LEAH: Do you have sex during your period?

KAY: No.

LEAH: Because you don’t want to or because your partners don’t want to?

KAY: I wanted to try it, but when I was doing research on it, I don’t know if I read this correctly, but you’re in higher risk of getting a sexual disease. I’m not sure.

LEAH: I have never heard of that before, but it sounds unlikely to me.

KAY: Okay. I don’t know. I was doing a lot of research on it because I really wanted to do it and then, I saw that. And I’m like, “Oh, a lot of people do it.” It didn’t make sense.

LEAH: Do you use condoms?

KAY: No, I don’t like condoms.

LEAH: What kinds of birth control are you using?

KAY: I’m not on birth control. I can tell when I’m ovulating and my body automatically knows what days not to and what days to do it. So, I’m taking a risk.

LEAH: Yeah. That is a risky method. Have you gotten tested for STIs and has your partner gotten tested for STIs?

KAY: I have came back negative. I didn’t ask my partner, so I don’t know.

LEAH: Okay. So, if you’re having sex or intercourse without a condom, if he has one, your risk of getting an STI is high, just because there’s no barrier. So, I would highly recommend that if you decide you’re going to have intercourse with him again, he has to get an STI panel done before you have sex with him again to protect yourself. When was the last time that you had an STI panel done?

KAY: About a year ago.

LEAH: Okay. You should definitely get it done again because you’ve had sex with him without knowing his status and without a condom. You should know what your status is. You should always know what your partner’s status is before you have sex, preferably sex with a condom. But if you’re not going to use a condom, you absolutely need to know their status. And you might still decide to have sex with them. I’m not saying that you can’t, but you need to go into it with prior knowledge. It is informed consent to know what choices you’re making. Does that make sense?

KAY: Okay. Yes.

LEAH: Okay. What’s the approximate number of sex partners you’ve had?

KAY: Two.

LEAH: Have you ever had sex with someone of a different racial identity than your own?

KAY: Yes, the toxic boyfriend I was talking about. Okay, yes. My first girlfriend I had, Caucasian. Freshman year, Italian, and then a Black girl and then Hispanic, white, and then now my current boyfriend is Black.

LEAH: All right. So, you’ve been all over the map.

KAY: Yeah.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Do you have a favorite sex toy?

KAY: Yes. It’s by Trojan and it’s called bullet. Yeah.

LEAH: Do you have a favorite sex position?

KAY: Honestly, I feel like it depends on who I’m with. So, right now, I like cowgirl.

LEAH: Okay. Do you prefer to initiate or for your partner to initiate in the bedroom?

KAY: I prefer to initiate.

LEAH: Are you generally more active or more passive during lovemaking?

KAY: Passive.

LEAH: Do you prefer clit stimulation or penetration?

KAY: Both.

LEAH: Do you enjoy having your breasts played with?

KAY: Yes, a lot.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Do you think it’s generally easy or challenging for you to orgasm?

KAY: I feel like it’s challenging. By myself, it’s easy. Someone else, challenging.

LEAH: Have you ever faked an orgasm?

KAY: Yes.

LEAH: Under what circumstances?

KAY: Just to get it done, just to get it over with.

LEAH: Yeah. I hear that.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Yeah. I hope you will find yourself in relationships where you don’t have to fake it because your partner will understand that if it’s not happening, it’s okay.

KAY: Right.

LEAH: Yeah. Can you orgasm from intercourse without any additional stimulation?

KAY: Yes. That one time, yeah.

LEAH: Yeah. Do you prefer the orgasm from masturbating or from sex with another person?

KAY: Sex with another person.

LEAH: What kind of touch do you enjoy most?

KAY: So, for a person to do it to me, for what I like done to me, choking. It really depends on what mood I’m in because I’m in two different moods where sometimes I’m just down for anything rough and then sensual and soft. So, it really depends on which mood I’m in.

LEAH: Okay. You just mentioned choking, so I want to ask about that. Do you have a safety protocol that you use with choking?

KAY: Yes, a code word.

LEAH: Okay. And how far do you go? Will you actually let someone choke you to the point where you’re passing out?

KAY: No.

LEAH: Okay. All right. Have you ever had a conversation with a sexual partner about, “If I do pass out, here’s what needs to happen?”

KAY: No. I never had that conversation.

LEAH: Yeah, you should probably have that conversation.

KAY: Yeah.

LEAH: And I’m not saying don’t do it, but it is one of the most high-risk activities. It’s really important to have a safety plan because things can go wrong really fast.

KAY: Yeah.

LEAH: Okay. Are there sexual things you’ve tired that you don’t ever want to do again?

KAY: No. It’s just some positions that I don’t enjoy that I don’t do anymore, but none as in toys. We don’t use toys or anything in the bedroom, so yeah.

LEAH: Okay. How do you feel about your partner masturbating when you’re not in the room with them?

KAY: At first, I didn’t like that. Because when we did actually have sex, it took him a long time to cum and that goes back to the porn thing where men usually cum faster than women. I don’t know. I feel like since he did all the time on his own, with me, it just didn’t feel as good as when he does it by himself.

LEAH: How do you feel about your partner watching porn without you in the room?

KAY: At first, I was against it, but now masturbating and porn is fine with me.

LEAH: Do you continue to enjoy watching porn?

KAY: Yes.

LEAH: Do you enjoy giving blow jobs?

KAY: Yes, I do.

LEAH: Do you swallow?

KAY: Depends on how it tastes.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Good answer.

KAY: If I don’t like it, I spit.

LEAH: I love that answer.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Do you have hair down there or are you bare?

KAY: Hair. I shave sometimes on special occasions, but I don’t like shaving. So, I just leave it.

LEAH: Yeah. Have you ever had a threesome?

KAY: No, but I want to.

LEAH: Do you have a preferred gender makeup for that threesome?

KAY: I prefer two girls, one guy. I just feel like two guys will be too much for me to handle.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Yeah. I feel the same way.ac

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: How do you feel about receiving ass play?

KAY: I wanted to try it. When we tried to do it one time, it hurted. I didn’t like it at all.

LEAH: So, there is a distinction to be clear between ass play and anal sex.

KAY: Oh, okay.

LEAH: Okay. So, I think there are a lot of people who think if you’re playing around the ass, then that automatically means anal sex, but there can be touching. There can be kissing. Some people are comfortable with it, some people aren’t. There can be fingers. There could be all sorts of things before you get all the way to full on penis in anus, which is varsity level.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: So, are you intrigued by the idea of ass play in general?

KAY: Yes. I like smacking if someone smacks it. That’s pretty much it I think or spanking.

LEAH: Yeah. Okay. How do you feel about the idea of giving ass play?

KAY: I’m open to it, but I’m not open to sticking fingers in it, so yeah.

LEAH: Sure. What do you consider the “kinkiest” thing you enjoy and understanding that everybody’s idea of what is kinky is totally different?

KAY: I want to do more handcuffs and whips and all that, but I want to find a person that I trust to do it with because my last partners were too aggressive. And I don’t really trust them with doing stuff like that and my boyfriend now. Yeah.

LEAH: Yeah. So, playing in the BDSM realm, which is what you’re talking about, a little bit of submission, a little bit of bondage, it is vitally important that you have a partner that you trust and that you have a really good conversation with them before anything starts about what you want, how far you want it to go, safe words. If things go wrong, how are you going to handle it? Super important that that is an extremely trusted relationship.

KAY: Yeah.

LEAH: Yeah. Cool. I hope that you get to try it soon.

KAY: Thank you. Me too.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Yeah. Do you enjoy dirty talk during sexual encounters?

KAY: No. I don’t know why. I just don’t. Talking during sex doesn’t turn me on. I like it quiet, moaning and heavy breathing, just not talking.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Do you enjoy laughter during sexual encounters?

KAY: Yes.

LEAH: Have you ever felt a sexual urge that confused you?

KAY: No. Since I’m pretty open to anyone and anything, and I know that I like mostly everything, I’m not confused. I’m pretty certain.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: All right. What is your favorite part of your body?

KAY: My favorite part of my body is my lips.

LEAH: What’s your least favorite part of your body?

KAY: My stomach.

LEAH: What is something about your current sex life that isn’t quite as satisfying as you’d like it to be?

KAY: The touching when I say stop, just forceful. I want it to be agreeable. I only want it to be forceful if we’re playing in the bedroom and I agree to it. But if I say no, then no means no.

LEAH: Yes, absolutely. Thinking back to that young woman you were when you first saw porn around, I think age 12, is there something you’d like to go back and say to her or any beliefs that you would like to correct for her?

KAY: This is not law. Do not go by this because I grew up thinking that that’s how sex is supposed to be like. And now, it’s just you won’t enjoy it if you just go by porn. It’s not realistic for some people.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Yeah, excellent. Kay, that is it. Thank you so much. This has been a really amazing conversation and I’m so grateful to you for wanting to do it.

KAY: Thank you. I’m glad you had me.

[MUSIC]

LEAH: That’s it for today. Good Girls Talk About Sex is produced by me, Leah Carey, and edited by Gretchen Kilby. I have additional administrative support from Lara O’Connor and Maria Franco. Transcripts are produced by Jan Acielo.

And I’m incredibly grateful for the financial support from Good Girls Talk About Sex community members at Patreon. If you’d like to support me in telling these stories and answering your questions, head over to www.patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex. You can find Show Note sand Show Transcripts at www.goodgirlstalk.com. To ask a question about your sex life, your desires, or anything to do with female sexuality, call and leave a message at 720-GOOD-SEX.

And before we go, I want to remind you that the things you’ve probably heard about your sexuality are not true. You are worthy. You are desirable. You are not broken. I work with women just like you to reflect their true sexual nature back to them without the judgment, shame or fear that can get in the way of us seeing it for ourselves. As a coach and PJ party hostess, I will guide you in embracing the sexuality that is innately yours no matter what it looks like. I’m here to help you sink so deeply into your true sexuality that the version of yourself that was scared to speak up for her own needs feels like a mirage from another lifetime.

Until next time, here’s to your better sex life!

[MUSIC]

BOOKMARK MOMENTS:
  • 5:34 – Kay shares her first memory of sexual pleasure, when her peers in 6th grade were watching porn. It was her closest thing to a learning experience before trying things like handjobs and blowjobs.
  • 9:55 – Kay “sort of” came out as bi in 7th grade, and then discovered she liked trans people too. She went to a Catholic school with genders separated and describes girls kissing in class. As they get older, school culture turns anti-gay.
  • 14:40 – Sex Ed in school was brief biology, everything she already knew. Her first kiss was a dare on IG live with her best friend. It becomes her first relationship, which has its struggles.
  • 18:00 – Kay talks about suicidal thoughts that both she and her girlfriend worked through.
  • 25:30 – Kay lives with her mom; her mom found out about her dating girls after seeing her phone but didn’t take issue with it. Kay wishes for more open conversation around sex.
  • 31:03 – She meets a boy. He’s not a friend first, and after the honeymoon phase it doesn’t go well, but lasts for two toxic years. He verbally abuses her about her appearance and cheats on her.
  • 38:20 – Kay describes a painful loss of virginity experience. Our culture says this is normal, but Leah does some myth-busting on what is actually normal and how this experience can and should go down.
  • 47:41 – Kay talks about her current relationship. She’s had her first orgasm! But sometimes he doesn’t stop when she tells him to. This includes unwanted touching.
  • 55:27 – They talk about how Kay’s generation is the first with easy access to porn, and what messages are being gleaned.
  • 1:01:30 – They talk about masturbation. Kay started around 4th grade.
  • 1:03:03 – The Lowdown: Kay answers questions about sex during periods, STI’s, birth control, number of sex partners, dating outside your race, toys, positions, initiating sex, being active vs passive, clit stimulation vs penetration, breast play, achieving and faking orgasms, solo vs partnered sex, kinds of touch, rough play, safety protocols specific to choking, one’s partner masturbating alone or watching porn alone, blowjobs, swallowing, hair vs bare, group sex, ass play, kink desires, dirty talk, laughter, confusing sexual urges, favorite body part, least favorite body part, areas to improve sex life, and correcting old beliefs.
RESOURCES:

Feminist porn – PLEASE PAY FOR YOUR PORN!

Don’t forget – ALL audio extras are FREE at Patreon!

PATREON:

All archived Good Girls Talk About Sex audio extras are now available for FREE!  They can be accessed at www.patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex

I’ve done this because not everyone has the means to pay for access, and I know this additional material can be deeply important for some listeners. But creating this show isn’t free, so if you’d like to support the work I do, I am grateful for your contributions at www.patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex.

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EPISODE CREDITS:

Host / Producer – Leah Carey (email)
Audio Editor – Gretchen Kilby
Administrative Support – Lara O’Connor, Maria Franco
Music – Nazar Rybak