Julia and her partner have agreed to a certain amount of openness in their relationship – openness that they haven’t taken advantage of yet. But their conversations on the topic – and Julia’s clear-headed consideration of the potential pitfalls – provide an amazing example for anyone who is considering opening this door with their partner. In fact, it’s so good that I think it should be required listening!

Julia is a dear friend and I love how deeply she thinks about how we can all be better to ourselves and each other.

Julia Sheldon is a 30-year-old, cisgender female who describes herself as white, queer, and monogamish. She grew up in Canada and still lives there with her male partner. You can find her on Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/juliasheldon.sex.ed

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT (CLICK TO OPEN)

LEAH: Welcome to Good Girls Talk About Sex. I’m sex educator and sexual communication coach Leah Carey and this is a place to share conversations with all sorts of women about their experience of sexuality. These are unfiltered conversations between adult women talking about sex. If anything about the previous sentence offends you, turn back now! And if you’re looking for a trigger warning, you’re not going to get it from me. I believe that you are stronger than the trauma you have experienced. I have faith in your ability to deal with things that upset you. Sound good? Let’s start the show!

[MUSIC]

LEAH: Today, we’ll meet Julia, a 30 year old cisgender female who describes herself as white, queer, and monogamish. She grew up in Canada and still lives there with her male partner. You may remember back around Valentine’s Day where I talked about a friend lending me her apartment while she was out of town for a week. That was Julia. She is a delightful, quirky, immensely fun person who also thinks deeply about how we can all be better to ourselves and to each other.

Julia and her partner have agreed to a certain amount of openness in their relationship. Openness that they haven’t as yet taken advantage of, but their conversations on the topic, and Julia’s clear headedness of the potential pitfalls provide an amazing example for anyone who is considering opening this door with their partner. In fact, it’s so good, I think it should be required listening. You can find Julia on Instagram at juliasheldon.sex.ed. I’ll put that link on the Show Notes. I’m so pleased to introduce Julia!

I am absolutely thrilled to be talking to you. We met earlier this summer at, it’s called Sex Geek Summer Camp.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Because we are both sex geeks. JULIA: Yeah, we are.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: First of all, we were put together as roommates in a bunk room of 6 people and I just loved getting to spend that time with you in the evenings. And the more that we talked, the more that I knew I wanted to have you on the show, so thank you for being here.

JULIA: Thanks for having me. This is exciting.

LEAH: Absolutely. So the first place that I always start is what is your first memory of sexual pleasure?

JULIA: Well, I was Grade 3, so I think that’s age 8 or 9. Wow, I’ve never talked about this. This is exciting.

[LAUGHTER]

JULIA: Okay, so I had friends and we would make out. We would dry hump. We would take off our shirts and kiss and touch each other’s upper bodies.

LEAH: Were these female friends or male friends? JULIA: Both.

LEAH: Oh, okay.

JULIA: Yup, and we knew it was “wrong”. Shameful because we tried to hide it from everyone. Like with A, we would go into the basement into the playroom that was there and played doctor and model. And so, we were playing, but then our clothes would come off and we would make out and dry hump.

And then with B, we would go over to my babysitter’s, and he happened to be a child of my babysitter in the summer. And so, sometimes we were like, “What do you want to do now?” And then we’d end up like making out and dry humping. And I think it was summer going into 3rd grade.

So I think there must have been something before that, but that was definitely my first I want this. So to me, it wasn’t sexual but it was pleasurable, and I knew that others would consider it to be sexual. Honestly, now that I think about it that should have been my first clue that, “Oh, I’m queer because I like this.”

[LAUGHTER]

JULIA: But heteronormativity strikes again! And I didn’t know that it was okay to like anyone other than cis dudes for a very long time.

LEAH: So it’s interesting to me that you had this going on with more than one person. Was this an idea that you brought to each of these friends or how did the idea come into your awareness?

JULIA: So I definitely brought it to B and with A, I’m not sure. Because the thing is, with both of these, it was like a long standing regular thing that we did. And long standing I mean like all summer long, and when you’re 8 years old, a summer is forever.

LEAH: Right.

[LAUGHTER]

JULIA: So it was like at least several months and actually with A, it lasted like well into the school year maybe even the entire 3rd grade, I’m not sure. I can’t remember now. But we ended up, unfortunately then, A and I ended up hating each other. She became a bully and I was the bullied. And so that turned from a very pleasurable experience, went to not so fun.

LEAH: Do you think it had anything to do with your interactions that she turned on you?

JULIA: Probably, yeah. It got pushed too far. I think I got more interested in continuing the kind of relationship that we had, and I think she was like, “Okay, I’m done now. I want us to be platonic friends”, rather than this sexual thing that we had going.

LEAH: Exploratory.

JULIA: Yeah. How I would define sexy times now is super different than how I saw what was going on at

that time. It was exploratory and pleasurable.

And I think yeah, we knew that the adults around would not be okay with what we were doing, so I think that probably added an element of fun to it. And the really interesting thing to me about that is then so I had those two people, and I definitely tried with other people, and then it didn’t work out with them. I was made fun of or it would work out for a little bit and then they would be like, “This is weird now. I don’t want to do this anymore.” And our friendship changed because of that. So I stopped at some point, but I think 8 was really when I was like, “I want this.”

LEAH: So with the girl child, it sounds like it went on for many, many months, an extended period of time. Did it always remain top up or was there ever any genital touch involved?

JULIA: Pants would always stay on or at least underwear would stay on, but there was definitely rubbing.

LEAH: And did you come to what you would now recognize as an orgasm during those play sessions or exploratory sessions?

JULIA: I don’t think so? No. But I think I was close. So maybe that’s why I wanted to keep doing it because I was like, “I can tell that there is more to this.”

And I think maybe that’s why I tried with other people as well because I was like, “I want to get something.” And then, I mean I also would hump a blanket on the couch because it felt good and I did that for years. And I think, “Yeah, I knew this feels really good it can feel better.”

LEAH: When you were humping the blanket, I think we would call that masturbation, but you can tell me if you think it was something different.

JULIA: I didn’t know that’s what it was at the time. LEAH: Oh, sure.

JULIA: But yeah, it totally was.

LEAH: Okay. So when you were solo humping. [LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Did you come to an orgasm then? JULIA: I don’t think so.

LEAH: So it was always sort of a search for something that you knew was out there, but you didn’t quite know what it was, it sounds like.

JULIA: Yes. Yeah, and I would even spend a lot of time and effort, and I would be really tired, and I would need breaks and stuff. And I was like, “Jeez, how do people deal with this?”

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: At what point did you correlate what you were doing with sex, the thing that adult people do? Did you always know that this was related to that or was it just this thing you did with the other kids?

JULIA: Well, it’s really hard to say. I think probably we were emulating what we saw, so we were like, “Well, adults are doing this. They’re like rubbing up on each other and making out so we should try it because they clearly like it.”

So I think part of it was like trying to learn, and part of it was yeah, exploring, but I don’t think that my vagina played into it at all. I think my clitoris did, my vulva did, and I was like, “I want these.” But it never occurred to me to put anything inside of my body. And I’m not exactly sure why that is but even now, I don’t like to masturbate with my fingers.

LEAH: Oh, interesting. How do you masturbate now? JULIA: Oh, I use a vibrator typically.

LEAH: Okay. And always external?

JULIA: Yeah. I mean I have a bunch. The magic wand is my favorite because it’s the most intense and that’s definitely external. And I have a couple that are internal, but I’ll never use just internal. If I’m going to use internal, I will also use external at the same time.

LEAH: I just want to back up for a second because not everyone will know the difference. They won’t understand the distinction that you just made between vulva and vagina. So just to clarify, the vulva is sort of the outer area, the labial lips and all of that. The vagina is the actual internal canal and that is becoming a bigger deal that people are talking about more frequently but not everybody has heard that distinction yet.

JULIA: Right, yeah. It’s an important distinction. LEAH: It is.

[MUSIC]

LEAH: This is the point in the conversation where I ask about people’s exposure to Sex Ed and messages in their childhood homes around sex. That conversation with Julia took several interesting turns including a discussion of what school Sex Ed looks like in Canada.

Patreon supports can hear that full 10 minute conversation at patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex. If you’re not yet a community supporter, follow that link in the podcast player you’re listening on right now and get lots of great extras including Julia talking about her recent experience of low libido and the tricks she and I have each devised to help ourselves stay more present during sex. There’s also another full 30 minutes of conversation in the Lowdown Q and A. So go to patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex to hear all of that and support me in producing these conversations.

[MUSIC]

LEAH: So going back to you and your childhood, when was the first time that you had conscious sexual interaction with another person that you would actually think of as sexual as opposed to that child exploration?

JULIA: Grade 10. So at Easter, every year there was a sleepover and it’s in preparation for an early Easter service that the confirmation class runs at 8 in the morning or something.

And that night, so the night that was a Saturday night, I had my first big make out session with a boy in the Church basement. I was flirting so hard. He clearly knew that I was interested in making out and I think that he wanted something more, but also I wanted something more physical than making out, but I was like, “This is what I’m ready for. I’ve never made out with anyone so here we go.” But then I remember messaging him after on MSN messenger, again, throwback.

[LAUGHTER]

JULIA: And I had to check with him like, “Hey, are we dating now?” LEAH: Wow, that was brave.

JULIA: yup and he was like, “No. why would you think that?” [LAUGHTER]

JULIA: And I was like, “Because we made out and I don’t know.” And he’s like, “Well, I don’t think you like me and I don’t really like you that way so I don’t think that we should date.” And I was like, “Oh, thank goodness!”

LEAH: Oh, so you didn’t want to be boyfriend girlfriend with him? JULIA: No, no.

[LAUGHTER]

JULIA: Definitely no.

LEAH: So why did you choose him to flirt with?

JULIA: Because of the boys at the table, he was the most promising. It was a onetime thing, but I needed to be sure that it really was just a onetime thing because I was like, “I am not ready to date. I don’t want to date you.”

LEAH: Oh wow. So were there more make out sessions that were one time things before you were ready to date?

JULIA: Many.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: And how did you know that you weren’t ready to date?

JULIA: Oh, because it made me feel so icky.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Icky how?

JULIA: Yeah, how do I describe this? At the time, I didn’t realize it was anxiety that I was feeling. But now, I recognize it as such.

I am talking specifically about this one, but there were a couple of others as well, who would ask me out and I would start sweating and get a little bit shaky and find it difficult to breathe. And I would have to take several deep breaths and figure out how I was going to respond. The thought of being someone’s girlfriend scared me so I knew I wasn’t ready for it because it was so scary.

And I don’t know why it was so scary. I don’t know. I guess probably from the media, I had all of these examples of what hetero relationships look like. Like One Tree Hill was really popular, and I was like, “No, I don’t want that.”

[LAUGHTER]

JULIA: Yeah, I think part of it was that I wasn’t ready for the emotional stuff and I wasn’t ready for the physical stuff.

LEAH: So you weren’t having sex or intercourse during any of these make out sessions? JULIA: No. it was just making out.

LEAH: So what happened when you got to university that you felt like you were ready?

JULIA: So here’s the thing. First of all I am a big flirt and I have always been a very big flirt. And I think that that might have been one of the reasons, my flirtatiousness in high school might have been the reason that I always said no to dating because I was like, “No, I’m just chatting with and I’m flirting with you but that doesn’t mean that I want to be intimate in any way.”

I was very fulfilled as a teenager with the volunteer work that I did and the friendships that I had and extracurriculars that I was involved in that I was so fulfilled that I just couldn’t even imagine having the time to give to one specific person because I was super busy and happy. I mean I was stressed at certain times of course, but I loved my life.

And then I got to university, and I remember my birthday was in October, so we had been at school for maybe 5 weeks. And then it was my birthday and leading up to my birthday, the people in residence, the guys in residence specifically were totally shocked that I had not had sex and they were like, “We’re on a mission to get you laid.”

[LAUGHTER]

JULIA: And I was like, “Huh? No!” [LAUGHTER]

JULIA: And I had to be very clear with them. I was like, “Look, I can get laid on my own”. Which okay, so frosh week in first year involves a lot of alcohol, which is we’re all underage, but whatever. So there was a lot of alcohol and there was definitely a lot of sexual activity and my genitals were involved in the sexual activity for the first time during frosh week, but I still wasn’t ready for serious penetration.

LEAH: How did you feel about your genitals being involved?

JULIA: It worried me. I think because I was a Cosmo girl, so I read a lot of Cosmo, which is bullshit. [LAUGHTER]

JULIA: And I sort of read it as a joke, but also I was like, “I can get some tips on how to get blow jobs”, and apparently these are things that people like.

[LAUGHTER]

JULIA: I don’t know. So the way that I was talking about sex, people just assumed that I was having a lot of it, but I was not. And then I remember yeah, having to put my foot down and being, “Okay, guys. I appreciate this penis birthday cake you’ve given me and this massive dildo that I’m never going to use because it will break my body.”

[LAUGHTER]

JULIA: And we ended up using it as a joke. And I’m pretty sure they were just joking with me because of the presents I was given. They went all over the top. They’re like, “This is going to be funny.” We know that it’s a joke. But I had to be like, “Seriously though, I can get myself laid.” And they’re like, “Yeah, you’re hot. Why aren’t you having sex?” And I was like, “Okay. Let me do it when I’m good and ready.”

[LAUGHTER]

JULIA: I knew that I was ready because the first person I was with, I felt comfortable and safe and taken care of. And I did not feel pressured and we were both super nervous and very honest with each other and that really helped. And we ended up dating for 2 and a half years and that was my first relationship.

And I think quite honestly, so this person, my first boyfriend, we had met in Grade 12 and we had talked for a year and a half almost every day and so we really established a connection and a relationship with each other before we were ever together physically. And I think honestly, this was at a time when entire relationship were happening on MSN messenger and there was a lot of flirting that happened on MSN. And there was a lot of discussion that happened on MSN and getting to know each other. So by the time we were actually together, I think he had already fallen in love with me.

So we lived across the country from each other so we had one week together and that was it. And so we were like, “Okay, let’s really enjoy each other’s company and make sure that we actually get along and that we like each other.” And at the end of the week, we ended up having sex. And then we didn’t see each other for the next 4 months because we lived across the country from each other. So for 2 years of our relationship, we were long distance, very long distance, which is a lot for an 18 year old.

LEAH: Yeah, seriously. [LAUGHTER]

JULIA: Yeah, but I think the big thing is that I knew that I was ready because we had established that trust and connection and comfort.

[MUSIC]

LEAH: You’ve probably heard it on all your favorite podcasts. If you rate and review this show, it makes it easier for other people to find it. And while it really is helpful to have those reviews, I also don’t love asking for them, because those of us who are socialized as little girls were often taught that we shouldn’t ask for things that are a little bit too selfish or a little bit too needy. And I’ll admit, I still hold some of that pre-conditioning as much as I work to let it go.

But I also know that it’s so important for women who are new to these conversations to know that they’re going to be safe here, that they’re not going to be judged, and they’re not alone. And the best way for them to find that out is from your reviews. So I’m here to ask outright, I would be incredibly grateful if you would share your love of this podcast as a rating and review at ratethispodcast.com/goodgirls. You can click that link on the app that you’re listening to right now.

That’s exactly what care1691 did. In her review, she said, “This is everything I’ve been looking for. I’ve always been so open about sex. It’s so nice to listen to women openly talking about it instead of being ashamed of embarrassed. Love!”

Thank you for the love Care1691, I send it right back to you. And if you’re still looking for ways to support this podcast, please share it with a friend!

[MUSIC]

LEAH: When did you figure out that you liked people who were not necessarily cis gender dudes?

JULIA: Oh, like for sure, for sure, officially, last year. So I was 29. I was in Australia and there was a stunning French woman named Sophie.

[LAUGHTER]

JULIA: And man alive, she and I connected immediately and both of us were super, super nervous because neither of us had never been with anybody who wasn’t a cis dude. And so, we actually never ended up being physical together because we were both too scared. But I was like, “Oh, I’m a baby queer. Oh gosh!”

[LAUGHTER]

JULIA: And I think I knew years ago that I wasn’t straight but I was like, “Oh, I’m heteroflexible”, which was a label that I liked because I was like, “I don’t know what exactly this means.”

And then I was in Australia and yeah, I was feeling really great about what was happening with my life and feeling really great about my body and my sexuality, and I was going out and getting laid a lot, and going to bars by myself and then taking people home or going home with people, and I was feeling really good about it, dudes I was going with.

And then I was like, “Okay, but I think I’m ready to meet or ready to have something physical with someone who’s not a dude, a cis dude.” And then I met Sophie and I was like, “Yup, definitely queer.”

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: So what does queer mean to you? Because lots of people have lots of different definitions.

JULIA: Absolutely they do. So for me, it means that if the label that feels the best for me because it is so broad and it could mean anything. And I haven’t decided on anything more specific. I don’t know if I will. I might. But I know for sure that I’m not straight and that was really important for me to figure out and yeah, I’m surprised that it took me so freaking long to figure it out because when I was 8, I was macking on ladies.

[LAUGHTER]

JULIA: So like, “Ugh.”

[LAUGHTER]

JULIA: But whatever. The queer label for me is all encompassing and is comfortable and feels good and that’s why I use it. But I couldn’t tell you who I’m into.

LEAH: So you said that you and Sophie were really into each other but you didn’t actually get physical with each other. So have you in the interim have had sexual experiences with other females?

JULIA: I have not.

LEAH: What is that like for you?

JULIA: Ugh.

[LAUGHTER]

JULIA: Well, since recognizing that I’m queer, it is very important to me that anybody that I date knows that I’m queer and that I’m not willing to sort of shut that off.

So right now I am in a long term relationship living with a cis dude and when we first started, I was like, “Hey, just so you know, I’m queer, which you already knew because we’ve been friends for a while. You

know that I’m queer. You also know that I’m demi-sexual, which means that I need an emotional connection with somebody before I want to get physical with them, but also I want to fuck a woman.”

And I was like, “Actually, I want to fuck anybody who’s not a cis dude. I want that experience. If I’m interested and attracted to someone, I don’t give a shit about their gender or their genitals. If I like a person, I like a person. So I want the opportunity to explore what sex would be like with people that I like.” And yeah, with my partner, I was like, “I want to know if I meet somebody and I am attracted to them and I’m into them, I need to know that I can come home and be like, oh my gosh, I just met this super cool person. Let me tell you.”

[LAUGHTER]

JULIA: “And also then I need to know that you’re going to be okay with me wanting to date other people because I really want to fuck people who aren’t cis dudes.” And it’s really not just about fucking them, it’s really about having relationships with people, which those can be short term. It can be one night, that’s fine. But I was like, “I specifically I need to have sex with a woman and I have needs that you physically are not going to be able to meet.”

LEAH: And how did he respond to that? Because a lot of men don’t take that well.

JULIA: Yeah. He’s awesome. He’s so good. He blows my mind quite frankly. So he was like, “Yeah, I know you’re queer. It’s not like I’m going to have you stop that part of yourself just because you’re dating.” So I’m like, “Right. I’m still going to be queer int his relationship.” And he was like, “Yeah.” And I’m like, “Okay. Would you be cool with me having sex with a woman while we’re dating?”

And so our rule is that if either of us want to play with someone else, we need to meet that play partner. So we’ve been together for almost a year now and neither of us has found somebody that we would like to play with, but for example, you and I met at Sex Geek Summer Camp. And there were ample opportunities to play with folks and I wanted to, but I was not able to introduce potential play partners to my partner so I was not able to play, which in terms of how my body felt was frustrating.

[LAUGHTER]

JULIA: But I would not break that trust.

LEAH: I really appreciate the fact that you have really solid and communicated relationships agreements that you’re holding too because there will be other opportunities.

JULIA: Right, yeah.

LEAH: And good lord, I remember from the time that I realized that I wanted to have an experience of a female body to the time that I actually had it, was oh so many fucking frustrating years. It was painful how many years it was.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: And I actually think it’s part of I kept myself pretty much at arm’s length in all of the relationships that I had, so it’s not a surprise that nobody ever asked me to marry them.

But it’s also a reason that I was very clear that I could not get married to any of the people that I dated because I needed to have an experience with a woman, because all I knew was monogamy and I knew that I couldn’t cut myself off forever from having that experience because it was too important to me.

And so I would never allow myself to make a commitment to a man before I had that experience. So I love the fact that your doors are open like you have set it up so that you don’t have to close yourself off from having a loving relationship with your current partner but that also doesn’t close off the opportunity to have the experiences that you want to have.

JULIA: Yeah. Exactly. That was really important to me. And actually, with him, the way that we started our relationship like still blow my freaking mind. I mean I could go into a very long winded story about it but I will keep it short and say we had a day long 6 to 8 hour conversation about all of our baggage, what we want out of life, where we would like to see ourselves in 20 years, in 10 years, so our big values and the things that are most important to us and what our wants and needs are in a partnership.

And after that lengthy conversation, then it was like, “Okay, so are we going to do this?” And then we both decided, “Yeah, I want to do this.” And part of that conversation was me saying “I’m not going to stop being queer and I want to have these experiences.”

LEAH: So how does it feel to you that in order for you to have that door open, he also has to have that door open? The agreement that you’ve made is that he also gets to play. How does that feel to you?

JULIA: Well, to be honest, neither of us has played yet. We have not had the time or energy to find anybody else.

[LAUGHTER]

JULIA: So we are happy, the two of us. I think the first time it would take me a while to get used to it. So like what would happen is that he would say, “Hey, I met this really great person. I’m really into them. I would like to go on a date. Let me tell you all about them.”

And I would have to feel my jealousy and my insecurities and my fears and he would go on a date and come back and tell me all about it and then reassure me that we’re still okay. And I think yeah, the first couple times I think it would be difficult for me because of the newness and because I’ve realized that I get jealous when my needs aren’t met, so if my needs are met, I’m good. You can do whatever you want. If I’m taken care of, I’m good. Unfortunately, it took me hurting somebody to figure that out, which sucks but lesson learned.

And yeah, I think when it happens, it will be fascinating and if I find somebody to, I think it will be fascinating to see how we negotiate that and what that looks like for us.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: That’s so interesting. In my relationship, we are basically monogamous, and we have left the door open to the possibility that if we met someone who were both interested in, there could be a threesome or there could be another activity.

But the very clear boundary that we have is that we both have to be in the room like neither of us is good at the sitting at home and wondering what is going on because we make up all of the shit in our heads. So if we’re going to do something, we both have to be in the room experiencing it so there’s no question about what actually went on.

JULIA: That’s interesting. We’ll see, I might have to use that too. [LAUGHTER]

JULIA: Guess we’ll find out.

[LAUGHTER]

JULIA: It’s funny though because we have established rules and such but we haven’t used them yet. And I don’t see us taking advantage of it anytime soon. The two of us we’re great, we’re solid but man, finding somebody else that is a lot of time and effort.

LEAH: Yeah, it is.

JULIA: And I am always amazed with the polyamorous folks that I know who manage to date so many people and I’m like, “What do you have, a separate calendar? How do you deal with all your feelings and all your time?” Like I come home and I would just want to take off my pants and sit on the couch.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: The poly people that I know are like, “Everybody thinks we’re out there having all this sex but really what we’re doing is just processing with all of our different partners.”

[LAUGHTER]

JULIA: Yup, yup. Oh goodness. [LAUGHTER]

LEAH: But it is interesting you have this idea of what you think it’ll be like when it comes to pass and you’re like, “Yeah, I’ll have the jealousy and I’ll have the feelings and then I’ll sort through them and then it’ll be cool.” And then it happens and you’re like, “What the fuck with the 18 wheeler that just ran me over?”

[LAUGHTER] JULIA: Right, yeah.

LEAH: And it maybe it will be wonderful, but it is interesting to see how reality plays against our expectations.

JULIA: Totally, and I think that reality is one of the reasons that hasn’t been any exploring or playing with other people. It’s just not happening.

[MUSIC]

LEAH: Before we finish up, let’s get the Lowdown, the questions we’re dying to know but would usually be to polite to ask any good girl.

[MUSIC]

LEAH: What’s the approximate number of sex partners you’ve had?

JULIA: 20.

LEAH: Do you prefer clit stimulation or penetration?

JULIA: With a partner, I want internal. With a toy, I want external.

LEAH: Do you prefer the orgasm from masturbating or from sex with another person? JULIA: Ooh.

[LAUGHTER]

JULIA: So I’m a multiple orgasmer, so the more orgasms that I have, the more I can have. So it takes me a while to get to my first but then they get closer and closer together and it’s totally different with a partner or not. It feels different. I think my preference depends on how much work I want to do.

LEAH: What kind of touch do you enjoy most?

JULIA: Let’s say at the beginning of sexy times, let’s say we’re going to spend two hours, I don’t know, whatever. At the beginning, I prefer lighter and then as I become more and more aroused, I want more

intense like if you were to slap my ass right at the beginning, I probably won’t like it, but once I’m getting worked up, I would like to be paddled.

LEAH: Gotcha. Well, my dear, we have done it.

JULIA: Whoo!

LEAH: So I want to make sure that people know where to find you.

JULIA: So you can find me on Instagram at juliasheldon.sex.ed, I post several times a week there. I also have a website juliasheldon.com. Right now, it is a landing page. It will be a website eventually. So Instagram is the best way right now.

LEAH: And I love that what you post are just like real quick sex facts. That’s awesome. JULIA: Thanks.

LEAH: Yeah. Julia, thank you so much for doing this. It has been such a pleasure to have this conversation with you and thanks for showing up and being so open.

JULIA: Thanks for inviting me. This was so much fun. [LAUGHTER]

[MUSIC]

LEAH: Thanks for joining me today on Good Girls Talk About Sex. If you’d like to be a guest on the show, please email leah@goodgirlstalkaboutsex.com. You can also find me on Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube at GoodGirlsTalk.

I was only able to step outside my good girl box when someone I respected told me it was possible to do it. If you’d like to step outside a box that’s no longer working for you, I’m here to tell you it’s possible. And I’d love to work with you. Join my mailing list to receive tools that help you name your desires and communicate them effectively to your partner or potential partners. Sign up at leahcarey.com.

I’m Leah Carey and I look forward to talking with you again next time. Here’s to your better sex life! [MUSIC]

Here are some of the notable moments she shared with us:

  • 3:10 – Her first memory of sexual pleasure, making out and dry humping with friends of both genders. They knew to hide the activity.
  • 11:25 – Masturbating with toys and vibrators.
  • 14:20 – Her first conscious sexual interaction with a boy, at a youth church event. She flirted and made out and then didn’t want to date him.
  • 16:20 – She realizes that anxiety makes her not want to date the boys she was making out with.
  • 19:20 – Peer pressure in college to get laid, even though she’s not ready.
  • 21:20 – The first sexual relationship is with someone she knew and had a friendship with. It turned into a 2-year long distance relationship.
  • 25:48 – She realized she likes women too.
  • 28:00 – She discusses what “queer” means to her.
  • 29:35 – She hasn’t had a sexual relationship with a woman yet but makes sure those she dates know she’s queer.
  • 30:30 – She has the discussion with her partner about her desire/need to be able to sexually explore with other people of both genders that she’s interested in; establishing ground rules.
  • 39:00 – Talking about what it will actually be like when play with an outside partner happens, on either end, getting needs met, and emotional processing.

The Lowdown (40:30)

  • What’s the approximate number of sex partners you’ve had?
  • Do you prefer clit stimulation or penetration?
  • Do you prefer the orgasm from masturbating or from sex with another person?
  • What kind of touch do you enjoy most?

The Patreon extras for this episode are:

  • $1/mo – Dealing with low libido
  • $5/mo – Sex education in Canada and her exposure to info about sex as a kid
  • $7/mo – Extended Q&A

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COACHING: Want to talk with Leah directly? Visit www.leahcarey.com/coaching

Host – Leah Carey (website, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, email)

Audio Editor – Gretchen Kilby

Music – Nazar Rybak