Jillian offers us a glimpse into a story that I am intimately familiar with. It’s the story of having huge blank spots in your memory along with an aversion to sex. There’s nothing specific to grab on to so you can say, “This is what happened,” but it’s obvious that something happened.
I usually sit back and let the guests tell their story, but in this instance, Jillian is actively searching for answers and for healing. So in this episode, you’ll hear us doing a bit of exploration and coaching. I offer her a couple of exercises. If her story mirrors your own, you may want to try these exercises as well. Or send me an email and I’ll be happy to offer you some other resources.
Jillian says in this interview that she wanted to share her story so that anyone else out there going through something similar will know that they’re not alone. And I echo that. If you listen to this podcast because you have difficulty with sex and are looking for a way forward, you are not alone. You are welcome here. And I will be happy to talk with you whenever you are ready.
Jillian is a 49-year-old, cis-gender female who describes herself as white, heterosexual, monogamous and married.
Here are some of the notable moments she shared with us:
- 6:25 – Jillian is unable to remember her first experience of sexual pleasure and still doesn’t feel pleasure.
- 7:50 – When a boy in kindergarten touched her
- 9:10 – Jillian has memory gaps, though she has narrowed it down to ages 5-8 where “something” happened that caused her fear of and aversion to sexual touch
- 11:20 – She starts therapy at the request of her husband after an intense outburst of seemingly displaced trauma response.
- 12:20 – She tries hypnosis to access memory. She also asks her mother for information about her childhood and is shut down.
- 16:45 – She meets her future husband to whom she is attracted and despite/because of fear/aversion moves very quickly into sex.
- 17:40 – Leah talks about impact of being sexualized at a young age, affecting one’s ability to determine readiness and how it should fit into a relationship.
- 20:00 – She talks about the emotional energy it takes to not only fake enjoying sex, but to fake feeling happy or content.
- 21:20 – Her husband intuits she’s acting like everything is ok when it’s not.
- 22:40 – Where her mind goes during sex—fantasy, and sometimes about not being treated well. Or just being anxious to get the sex act over with while thinking she owes him pleasure, doing it for his sake. (**Follow up of how BDSM and ravishment play can be therapeutic.)
- 30:12 – Pregnancy and childbirth bring up new fears and aversions, particularly around breastfeeding.
- 31:45 – She finds faith and prayer to be a better and more effective tack at present than therapy for resolving trauma and pain.
- 33:15 – She still does not enjoy sex but can participate without revulsion about once a month.
- 36:40 – Leah leads a conversation/coaching about how to focus on intimate touch that is enjoyable but without genital touch and penetration.
- 40:10 – She’s just now trying masturbation and self-exploration to see if she can experience pleasure, using an external vibrator.
- 42:25 – Leah coaches how to bring the vibrator into the partnered sexual experience.
- My favorite internal/external vibrator – https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01MRYF9TD/
- Slim/beginner vibrator (please note – I have not used this particular vibrator, so this is not a recommendation, but rather an example) – https://www.amazon.com/SlimCharger-Rechargeable-Slender-Moving-Bullet
- My favorite lube – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i_Ok69EI-ks
The Patreon extras for this episode are:
- At the $5/month level, Jillian’s abortion and subsequent breakup with her first boyfriend
- At the $7/month level, that conversation plus the extended Q&A
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Audio Editor – Gretchen Kilby
Music – Nazar Rybak