In this episode of Good Girls Talk About Sex, we talk with Yaz, a 30-year-old who describes herself as half-Persian/half-European, polyamorous, and single.

I wanted to interview Yaz because I recently saw her describe herself this way: “My assets include diversity (I am genderqueer, pansexual, a person of color, fat, and make under $30,000/year), a playful attitude (I am really a kid in an adult body), and a know-how of holding space for those whose voices get lost in the shuffle.”

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT (CLICK TO OPEN)

LEAH: Hi, I’m Leah Carey and this is Good Girls Talk About Sex. This is a place to share conversations with all sorts of women about their experience of sexuality. Before we get started, I want to tell you this. These are unfiltered conversations between adult women talking about sex! If anything about the previous sentence offends you, turn back now! And if you’re looking for a trigger warning, you’re not going to get it from me. I believe that you are stronger than the trauma you have experienced. I have faith in your ability to deal with the things that upset you. Sound good? Let’s start the show!

[MUSIC]

LEAH: In today’s episode, we’ll meet Yaz, a 30 year old cisgender female who is half-Persian and half- European. I wanted to interview her because I recently saw her describe herself this way, “My assets include diversity. I am gender queer, pansexual, a person of color, fat and make under 30,000 dollars a year, a playful attitude. I’m really a kid in an adult body and a know-how for holding space for those whose voices get lost in the shuffle.”

Our conversation went on for almost an hour and there’s so much we couldn’t include in this episode. You’re going to want to hear the whole thing including Yaz talking about her early explorations with women, so now is the time to head to patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex to access the full, uncut interview. I’m so pleased to introduce Yaz!

Welcome. Thank you so much for being here today.

YAZ: Thanks for having me. I’m really excited to be here.

LEAH: Absolutely. You grew up in the United States, correct?

YAZ: Correct.

LEAH: Okay, but you grew up in a home that represented multiple ethnicities.

YAZ: A little bit. My dad is Iranian and from when I was born to age 8, I was around a lot of family as well as my mom’s who is French and Scottish, so I did have some of my grandparents and aunts and uncles around to kind of implement the culture, the Persian culture, and we’d celebrate different holidays and do different things around that.

Once I moved to Arizona, I didn’t have my dad’s side around me anymore so it felt more like I was growing up in a white household and I had white friends comparatively to when I was in California, I had friends of more additional races.

LEAH: How old were you when you moved from California to Arizona? YAZ: I was 8.

LEAH: Okay. So you had that very multiethnic surrounding until 8 and then after that, you said that you were in a more white situation.

YAZ: Yeah. I really never considered myself a person of color until I was much older. LEAH: Oh, really? At what point did that come for you?

YAZ: When I moved to Portland in 2014. I felt like I was just a tan white person. [LAUGHTER]

YAZ: And was a brunette and didn’t really classify myself as someone who is looked at differently and maybe I was blind to it, I’m not sure. But my full name is Yasmin Amirsoleymani, that alone, if a white person sees that, they might get some ideas and that just didn’t compute with me until I was older.

LEAH: Okay. So what did you learn from your parents about what sexuality was or what “appropriate sexuality” was?

YAZ: I didn’t learn much from them directly. There wasn’t a lot of talk in the household in regards to the birds and the bees, or what it means to me to masturbate, what it means for me if I liked someone, that wasn’t really talked about. I had more conversations with my sister. She’s four and a half years older. She told me the first time she French kissed a girl so we’d have more conversations between us but I felt more embarrassed talking to my parents and I think because they didn’t really approach me about it at a younger age. I got more of my information from the Internet and from friends.

LEAH: Did you see your parents interacting with any sort of affection or any sense of a sexual relationship between them?

YAZ: Definitely not really sexual more that kisses and quick embraces and a couple “I love you”s but nothing to the point of that I would imagine them going to their room and having a good time together. That never would have crossed my mind.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: And when you were a kid, did you assume that that’s what an adult relationship was like? Just a few pecks and a couple “I love you”s or did you already want more?

YAZ: I felt like I wanted more. I wasn’t totally keen on instantly creating a romantic relationship with someone and feeling I had to get married and had kids. I never had that. It was more like to build an emotional rapport with people and really get to know deep down in their soul and so I knew there were other kinds of relationships and combinations out there. I didn’t really think only my parents’ relationship was the only one that would exist.

LEAH: Can we talk about your first memory of sexual desire? YAZ: Oh yeah, let’s do it.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Yeah, what was your first memory of sexual desire? YAZ: Let me tell you.

[LAUGHTER]

YAZ: So I remember discovering while taking a bath and taking a shower, the way the water would fall on me if I was lying on the tub and I really liked that sensation from the shower. I noticed that when I would kind of rub myself, I was really interested in my genital area, my vagina, my vulva.

“What is this?” I’m looking in the mirror. And so that’s how I discovered my clitoris and what felt good but my fingers were never enough. It had to be something harder or something that was more powerful and that’s where the tub faucet came in.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Oh yes, the tub faucet, I remember it well.

[LAUGHTER]

YAZ: Got the legs up when I was still flexible, yeah.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: So how old were you when you think you discovered that?

YAZ: I was about 8 or 9.

LEAH: And you said you were already looking in the mirror. That never would have occurred to me. [LAUGHTER]

LEAH: What caused you to look in the mirror?

YAZ: Probably on my pubic hair.

[LAUGHTER]

YAZ: I started getting my pubic hair when I was 5.

LEAH: Wow.

YAZ: Yeah, I went through early onset puberty and I started wearing a bra in fourth grade. I actually felt like I grew into my sexuality faster than other people because I was going through that, other girls my age, because I was going through that and not being able to relate to it with other people, which was weird.

LEAH: Do you think that the early growth of pubic hair, does that have to do with your Middle Eastern heritage or does that have to do with your particular body?

YAZ: I think it was my particular body but at the same time, I have black hair and there’s a lot of it. If you’re going to think of someone having a bush, that’s me.

[LAUGHTER]

YAZ: So yeah, it’s both. It’s both.

LEAH: So you’re about 8 years old, you’re lying on the tub with feet in the air discovering the pleasures of the faucet.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: At what point did you connect that from feeling oh that feels good to “Oh that has something to do with the thing that adults do”, that’s actually sexual?

YAZ: Oh, good question. I think because I was really big on clitoral stimulation and so when I discovered that with the faucet, I discovered orgasms at that point. Discovering porn at an early age where the

focus was on the genital area then that’s what made me think this was something that was sexual. And I knew about masturbation at that point and what that was so I kind of tied everything together.

LEAH: So how did you discover porn?

YAZ: Well, Windows 95 provided.

[LAUGHTER]

YAZ: Let’s see. I remember moving to Arizona when I was 8 and then I had a computer in my room. [LAUGHTER]

YAZ: And it hooked up on the Internet and it must have been just through media, I’d imagine. I can’t remember exactly the first time I punched in a porn site into the browser, but I don’t know. I mean watching movies and seeing sex scenes in movies just really turned me on. I would literally watch. I would see a movie for the first time and see the scenes in it that I really enjoyed and then when that movie would come on or I would play that movie later, I would skip to those parts because I just really desired watching that and having that visual stimulation.

LEAH: I did the same thing and I’m so ashamed of it.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: I thought that there was something terribly wrong with me.

[LAUGHTER]

YAZ: I love it. I’ve never actually said that to anyone and I’m really glad you had the same experience. [LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Yeah, there must have been on the VHS tapes in certain scenes.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: I’m a little older than you are.

[LAUGHTER]

YAZ: It was the DVD where you could skip to the chapters.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Damn it. I wish I’d had that.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Yeah, so at the point where you actually started seeking porn on Windows 95, thank you Internet. [LAUGHTER]

LEAH: What kinds of things were you seeking? What kinds of scenes turned you on?

YAZ: I definitely liked sexy, skinny, muscular men having sex with women with big breasts, a lot of threesomes with two women and one man. And a very penetrative, didn’t really like watching oral sex, I really liked the penetrative fucking part of it.

LEAH: So skipping ahead a little bit, how does that line up with your current sexual desires? Are they primarily penetrative? Is that the profile of the man that you desire, the threesomes with two women and not liking oral?

YAZ: Nope.

[LAUGHTER]

YAZ: It’s definitely shifted.

[LAUGHTER]

YAZ: No, I love all genders, body types, all breast sizes. My desire doesn’t fall within feeling like I want penetrative sex all the time.

I’ve recently been discovering that I might be leaning toward asexuality or gray asexuality which means it’s not really black and white. There’s a gray area towards it which means I could be attracted to somebody whether it’s any gender, they’re fucking me with a strap on, they’re fucking me with their penis. That can be one day and then the next day I might not just want that at all.

And it’s a recent discovery of mine so I’m still navigating it but I feel that it’s nice to have a word for it. It’s nice to have a label for it because it’s been confusing, but I did want that. I definitely did want that when I started having sex at 16. I really wanted it to be hard and rough all the time and mostly with men.

I was kind of scared of women. I was attracted to them but I was scared of coming off as predatory because I don’t want them to feel that way but I’ve always felt like I had a masculine side of me and I’ve been ashamed of that before, earlier in my life.

LEAH: For me, it’s always been harder to figure out how to navigate attraction with a woman because I wouldn’t ever want a woman who was only interested in friendship to get confused or uncomfortable if she thought I was coming on to her. And so it’s always been really confusing about how to walk that line. It just seems more obvious with men, either they’re interested or not. Either I’m interested or I’m not, but with women it’s more challenging. Do you find that same thing?

YAZ: Yes, yes I do. [LAUGHTER]

YAZ: I think just approaching women and feeling that I’ve built up this friendship with them and we could already be touchy feely or what have you or show affection to one another but actually saying the words, “I’m attracted to you and I want to see how this goes and I’m wondering if you want to start something physical and see how we both like that.” That’s been scary for a while.

LEAH: Yeah, figuring out if we try that and we don’t like it, how do we dial back and be okay with just going back to the friendship?

YAZ: Yeah, or not feeling awkward or that I did something wrong. I’d probably put the blame on myself that I started the conversation and it went the way that I wasn’t hoping for and then I would feel bad about that.

LEAH: Yeah, you used a couple of words in describing yourself that maybe not everyone is familiar with so I’m going to ask you what they mean to you. One is gender queer and one is pansexual.

YAZ: To me, gender queer means that from a young age, I’ve felt that I had masculine and feminine tendencies. In high school, I had a Mohawk but I would wear a dress and makeup and I would feel like a masculine on my head and the feminine on my body or like I played soccer and I would wear a ribbon in my hair, kind of be the sporty masculine type but then accessorize in a feminine way. So gender queer just means that I’m embodying both of those at the same time and that’s always felt more comfortable for me than leaning towards one or the other.

And pansexual, for me means that I’m attracted to all genders or people who are gender non- conforming or non-binary.

LEAH: And you said when we first started talking that you consider yourself sort of as a gender non- conformist.

YAZ: Yeah, it’s something that I’m still navigating because I do feel like I’m a cis female and the fact that I wouldn’t really manipulate my body in any way to make it different. I do love that I have a vulva. I love that I have breasts. I love that I have this goddess curvaceous body but at the same time, these masculine tendencies come out. At some points, I noticed that I spread my legs out or I like putting my arm up and I don’t see women doing these types of mannerisms so that’s when I started noticing that I didn’t feel completely feminine or girly all the time.

LEAH: This is a word that people in our culture are super uncomfortable with but I have seen you refer to yourself as fat. So what does that mean for you and how does that impact your experience of sexuality?

YAZ: It took a long time for me to call myself fat or to at least tell myself that out loud. I hear other people say it. I would say it in my head but there was a lot of shame in it so saying it out loud would confirm it and I didn’t want that.

And so in terms of my sexuality, it’s been hard to have the lights on if I’m with somebody or we try different positions where I want to be on top but it doesn’t work because I have a really big stomach and big thighs and so those things would play into our activities. And then I’d just feel like that was all I was thinking about and I couldn’t let that go and I couldn’t enjoy myself fully and be present in the moment.

LEAH: And has that shifted for you? I guess I wonder if the shame you felt around the word “fat” impacted your ability to deal with it and now that you claim the word you can look at it and experience it a little differently or do you still have those same concerns in the bedroom?

YAZ: I definitely still have concerns. It’s more frustration with shopping. [LAUGHTER]

YAZ: And finding clothes or things like that. But now in the bedroom, I’m just like I’ve been more open with myself with others and then appreciating other bodies as well. Because there was a time that I looked at people who were my size or bigger and I wasn’t attracted to them, which made me feel like there was something wrong with me. That I’m not attracted to myself, how am I going to attract others to me?

That was super hard and that lasted a long time. And now I feel like I’m just more open and I can appreciate someone’s body because their body is attached to their soul or their heart and that’s what I’m after more. That’s what attracted me to them.

LEAH: I remember for me there’s a really big shift when I got sexually involved with a woman and I heard her say over and over and over, “No, let’s keep the lights off. I’m fat. I don’t want you to see me. I don’t want you to look at me.” And I looked at her and thought, “Oh my God, you are like a freaking goddess. You are so beautiful. You’re one of the most beautiful human beings I have ever seen and you

can’t see it and you’re telling me that you don’t want me to look at it.” So maybe I need to start thinking a little differently about what I say to other people because if she could think that about herself then maybe my thinking about myself was also skewed.

YAZ: Yeah, that makes sense. I’ve definitely gotten compliments that I haven’t been comfortable. Goddess is a big one, saying I’m beautiful, saying I’m pretty for so long of my life. These just didn’t resonate with me. My mom would say that I would tell her that I was sad about my body size and how I looked and she would say, “Well, you have a pretty face.”

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: The child who is coming to them and saying, “I don’t like my body that I’m in.” What would you have wanted to hear as a child? What have been supportive and helpful to you?

YAZ: That we love you no matter what. That we care about your health, which is my parents did use that line but it felt more like they were ashamed and if we had big gatherings of the family, I would be the biggest one so I didn’t feel good in that way.

But I want kids to feel like they matter and their body matters but it’s about appreciating all the different sizes out there. There’s just not one type of body or size that people need to fit into. So I would want parents to just realize that about their child and not come from a place like, “You need to change this about yourself but I love you and I support you. And there’s ways that maybe we can talk about or brainstorm about if you’re feeling sad about it or feeling like you have low self esteem around your body size. We can talk about that and see where you’re coming from.”

And not just be it be one sided and that the parent knows what’s the best for the kid. I mean you can have 120-pound person who is the least healthiest person ever and you can have a 250 pound person and they’re super healthy and it’s genetics, it’s whatever, there’s more to this story than just the outer appearance.

LEAH: And for the record, do you find people who want to have sex with your body? YAZ: I have, yes.

[LAUGHTER]

YAZ: I remember it was actually in regards to my body hair which I’ve felt self conscious about along with my weight but it was when someone told me. I was lying on my stomach. I was naked and they liked the little tuffs of butt hair coming out of my crack.

[LAUGHTER]

YAZ: And I was like, “Really, because I always want that to be gone because I’m so ashamed by it.” [LAUGHTER]

YAZ: But yeah, I’ve definitely found folks who look me up and down with a smile on their face and they really appreciate what I am because they know me. They understand me. They love me and it feels really good.

[MUSIC]

LEAH: Interviews for this podcast often run at least a half hour longer than what we can include in an episode. Want to listen to the full, unedited interviews? Become a community supporter at Patreon by visiting patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex. There are a bunch of cool extras there plus you’ll be supporting open and honest conversations about female sexuality. If you enjoy these conversations, please review a review on Apple Podcasts. It will help more people find the show and don’t forget to tell your friends!

[MUSIC]

LEAH: So let’s talk a little bit about your sexual history more specifically what was your first experience of sex?

YAZ: Oh, interesting.

LEAH: Let me say, your first experience of partnered sex as opposed to solo sex. YAZ: Okay. When you say sex, you mean?

LEAH: Whatever it means to you.

YAZ: Okay. I would say it was my friend’s older brother in a van.

[LAUGHTER]

YAZ: And I was 16 and he was 24. I was attracted to him and I thought he was really hot and I had snuck outside and he was having a cigarette or something and then we went to his van. My friend was having a birthday slumber party and they were sleeping.

[LAUGHTER]

YAZ: We started kissing. I was on top of him and then he put his penis inside me for a second, 5 seconds and instantly I just didn’t want it and I said, “I’m not ready for this” so I left.

LEAH: And he respected that? YAZ: Yeah, he did respect that. LEAH: Wow, good man. [LAUGHTER]

YAZ: Yeah, I feel fortunate that that was the case.

LEAH: Yeah, and also a good, strong woman to be able to say ah this isn’t working for me.

YAZ: Yeah, I really, really wanted it. I was imagining it in my head that it would be really, really hot and then as soon as the tip went inside me, I just didn’t feel right. I didn’t feel ready so yeah, I stopped it.

LEAH: Wow. I imagine after that kind of experience you would be looking for an experience where you were ready, so when did that happen?

YAZ: Yes. So I found my first partner of 2 months, we dated. We met at a job called Fiddlesticks. It was a golf cart mini golf place and he was really cool. I really liked him and he treated me very well. I was 17 and he was 22.

LEAH: Oh, you went for the older ones. [LAUGHTER]

YAZ: Yeah, there’s a pattern. [LAUGHTER]

LEAH: And so what do you remember from your first experience with him? Were you ready? YAZ: Yeah, I was ready. It was on a couch.

[LAUGHTER]

YAZ: And we were making out and I was really stoned on weed. It wasn’t super memorable or being special like taking our time to take each other’s clothes off or create this ambience that you might see in the movies or something, but I don’t know I just had this bond with him. And I really enjoyed it when he was inside me and he treated me with respect so that helped me obviously.

LEAH: And to be fair, I don’t know many 17 or 22 year olds who would take the time and have the touching.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: That’s something that we romanticize but I’m not sure we actually get it at that age. [LAUGHTER]

YAZ: Yeah, I remember I went over to his place and he was someone who I thought was super sexy like he was just this person who everyone would think was sexy and I felt very special that he wanted to have sex with me. It happened a good amount of times but it was to the point where we’d kiss a little bit. We would be in his bedroom. We would kiss a little bit. He would lie me down on my back. He would kiss my breasts for maybe 10 seconds then he would turn me over and he would fuck me from behind and then he would cum on my back and say “good girl.” And then get off the bed and give me a towel. And I had to reach around to wipe off my own back of his cum.

[LAUGHTER]

YAZ: Yeah, so that didn’t feel good but I kept going back because I thought there was something special in me that he saw and I didn’t have the voice to say, “Hey, what about me? Hey, let’s talk about doing other stuff. Hey, I’m not sure I like you just doing these things.”

LEAH: How did you learn to have that voice?

YAZ: It came later after I started going out with my partner when I was 19. He was 16. We stayed together for 2 years and we went to a store and we bought a Bondage 101 game and we just had good sexual chemistry and we were able to talk. Not as much as I can now about sex and breaking it down step by step about what we wanted but we were very respectful of each other and it was always hot. We always wanted each other. We were always horny for each other. So with him, I felt very safe in that “I don’t know if I like you doing that but maybe doing this” instead.

LEAH: And you said that you’ve gotten better at that. What kinds of conversations are important to you now?

YAZ: Well, definitely. I’m in leadership for Sex Positive here in Portland and it’s a chapter of Sex Positive World. And our CEO has created the STARS talk where one, being able to talk to someone else about their STI status, their turn-ons, their avoids, their relationship agreements and intentions, and safer sex etiquette, STARS, and that’s where I really found my voice in terms of feeling like it’s not set in stone what I want with this person or at this one time. I can change it no matter what. I can retract my consent. I can be more respectful of their boundaries and making sure that I’m asking them questions as well as making sure I’m having my own voice around what I want and don’t want.

LEAH: So I’ve actually interviewed Evelin, the creator of STARS and we have an episode of her talking about her sexual history as well as an episode of her explaining the whole STARS talk and then me doing a sample STARS talk with somebody else so everybody can hear it.

YAZ: Excellent.

LEAH: Because it really is life changing. It is honest to God, life changing. YAZ: It definitely is.

LEAH: At least it was for me.

[LAUGHTER]

YAZ: It was amazing and I’m glad you brought that up because I know Evelin and I was glad that that was introduced to me and others that can know about that and take advantage of that and now she’s continuing to spread that movement to colleges and schools and where it’s needed. And so yeah, I’m really excited to know that that’s happening.

LEAH: Yeah, I know that you now consider yourself polyamorous Have you always?

YAZ: It felt like that. I didn’t always have a word, have polyamory as a word to identify myself with but when I started having sex, it felt better for me to have friends with benefits versus trying to seek out a partner. Marriage, kids, never really appealed to me.

Limiting myself to just one person didn’t feel right. It felt more natural to see someone on Saturday, then see someone else on Sunday, then see someone else on Wednesday. And some of these people were friends first and then we’d develop a sexual relationship which only made us closer. Couple of them didn’t work out that way. It kind of ruined the friendship and then we learn and then others that I didn’t gain a relationship with that person.

But two big relationships that I’ve been in, in my life with cismen, I cheated on them and I told them after. But the temptation was so strong and I just couldn’t keep it in my pants. It was too strong. It was too much of a pull I had too much of a desire to experience being sexual and being with someone on that level to where I just couldn’t limit it to one person.

LEAH: So in those two relationships, was the assumption monogamy? And did that have been talked about specifically?

YAZ: Nope.

LEAH: Yeah, so it was just an assumption because that’s the cultural assumption.

YAZ: Yeah, exactly.

LEAH: If you were to get into those relationships today, how would you do it differently?

YAZ: I would be open and upfront right off the bat and say that I’m not wired for a closed relationship or monogamous relationship. I’d be open to having a nesting partner and then having a secondary relationship on the side.

But I really love the idea of kitchen table polyamory where I’m in a relationship with somebody and they have additional partners, I have additional partners and we all know each other and we can sit down at a table together and have a meal together. There’s more compersion than jealousy. There’s more conversation than just “Oh, I don’t want to know about them. Don’t tell me their name. Don’t give me any details after you come home from a date.” If I’m in a relationship with someone and they go on a date, I want to hear some details.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: And did you have to learn compersion?

YAZ: No, it always felt pretty natural for me. Because when I was younger and be in more friends with benefits type of relationships, I wasn’t jealous if they were having sex with other people and just like I didn’t want them to be jealous with me having sex with other people.

LEAH: Nice and then you said relationship anarchy, I think you gave me a little definition of it but can you talk about it a little bit more?

YAZ: Yeah, so again just seeing a relationship with me being in a relationship with someone doesn’t necessarily mean that we’re going to do all the things that are on the checklist of this is how a romantic relationship should be. This is what a sexual relationship should be. This is what a friendship should be.

I don’t have expectations around how we go about being with each other day to day because I know that sexuality is fluid. I know that gender is fluid. If I don’t feel attracted to someone one day, that’s okay but what I really like about it is that I can have a friend who I’m super snuggly with and super affectionate with and we’re not romantic and we’re not sexual and I can have someone that I’m just “See you on Sundays” that I just want to have sex with and that’s it. It can be all those things. It can be a combination of things. I really like how some describe it as treating friends more like lovers and lovers more like friends.

LEAH: I like that. Nice. I want to ask you a question that of course, you’re welcome to answer or not answer as you choose. Have you had nonconsensual experiences sexually?

YAZ: Yes.

LEAH: Is that something you’re willing to talk about? YAZ: Yes I can.

LEAH: How old were you?

YAZ: 20.

LEAH: Can you tell me what happened?

YAZ: I was at a party. I was drinking. We were all drinking and I was kind of attracted to this person but I didn’t feel like having sex with him but I ended up doing it because it was easier to say yes than no. And I didn’t see him after that and it was in someone else’s bed. It was a very not fun experience but it wasn’t as bad as it could have been and I’ve never been raped. I’ve never been molested.

I consider myself fortunate given that I have friends who have gone through these situations and experiences and it’s heart wrenching but yeah, that was the one time that I just didn’t feel like it but it felt like it was easier to just do it and get it over with.

LEAH: I think it’s so important to talk about that as a nonconsensual experience because here is this idea in our culture that if I say no, that means it was non consensual but if I don’t say no then that means everything is fine and it’s not the case. If we’re not showing up really excited.

YAZ: Hell yes! [LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Then there’s something wrong and it sounds like what you experienced that so many of us has had, it’s so much easier just to submit and get it over with then it is to keep pushing back or saying no. That is coercion. That is not a consensual experience.

YAZ: Exactly.

LEAH: I’m sorry that you went through that.

YAZ: Thank you.

LEAH: And did that impact your experience of sexuality in any way going forward?

YAZ: I mean it’s definitely that and witnessing my friends and especially my girlfriends and how they went about being in relationships with men and how it wasn’t bad the way men were treating them but it wasn’t the best either.

It was like making them feel small and making them feel not important or they were only important if they did these certain things. And from an objective standpoint because I didn’t have many relationships and I saw some of my friends go through multiple relationships, it just made me think it’s serial dating. You’re not happy with this person. You’re not happy with this person. You’re not happy with this person. Something’s going on. So I felt like I had a way of removing myself and noticing that this was happening and that I don’t want that to happen to me.

LEAH: Yeah, so what do you look for now?

YAZ: I look for humor. I look for kindness and compassion. I look for cuddles. Someone who is good with their hands, someone I can just enjoy life with and have conversations with and be silly and take life not so seriously, someone who is willing to show up, someone who is wanting to have the STARS conversation, someone who is not afraid of being open about their sexuality and what they want and what they don’t want.

LEAH: Nice. I want all of that for you.

[LAUGHTER]

[MUSIC]

LEAH: Before we let Yaz go, let’s do the Quick Five. Five quick questions that we’d usually be too polite to ask even our best friends.

[MUSIC]

LEAH: Favorite sex position?

YAZ: Side saddle which means I am on my side with my leg up and someone is fucking me on their knees on the bed.

LEAH: Sex during your period?

YAZ: I’m not opposed to it. It hasn’t happened a lot. I did like it but I was also self conscious about it but

the person I was with said they really liked it so that made me feel better. [LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Hair down there or bare?

YAZ: So I like having hair mostly because I hate shaving because I’m Middle Eastern and it sucks. [LAUGHTER]

YAZ: Because I’d spend an hour just on my bush. I discovered shortcuts in terms of clippers. [LAUGHTER]

YAZ: And I have gotten waxed down there which I really loved but it’s expensive and then I get ingrown hairs. So I like having that two times a year because I really like it when it’s super smooth. It’s such a nice change but trimmed, yeah, okay.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: What is your go to masturbation fantasy?

YAZ: Jacuzzi jets.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: In what way?

[LAUGHTER]

YAZ: Let’s see. People are watching. I don’t know I’m at one of those awesome pools in Vegas. [LAUGHTER]

YAZ: Or the Caribbean.

[LAUGHTER]

YAZ: Somewhere cool. I’m thinking about this right now because I have many fantasies but this is the first one that popped in my head. So I’m going to the hot tub or Jacuzzi. I’m naked. There’s jets, four of them all around and I go up to one and I can set my hands on the edge of the Jacuzzi on the deck part and then the water is really low so the jet is visible and then I’d be leaning in and then leaning back but like right on my clit would be awesome.

LEAH: With people watching.

YAZ: With people watching.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Do you swallow or not?

YAZ: I do swallow. I used to not swallow but I do now. LEAH: What made you change?

YAZ: it got inconvenient to spit.

[LAUGHTER]

YAZ: I started not minding the taste. I kind of like the taste now.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: Yaz, thank you so much for doing this with me. It’s been so much fun to sit and talk with you. I really appreciate it.

YAZ: Thank you. I feel like this was such a good session. I got a lot out. I felt it was a good release for me so thank you.

LEAH: Oh, I’m so glad!

YAZ: I feel like therapy.

LEAH: Come talk to me. It’ll make you feel good.

[LAUGHTER] [MUSIC]

LEAH: Thanks for joining me today on Good Girls Talk About Sex. If you have questions or comments about something you’ve heard or if you’d like to record a voice memo for use in a future episode, send them to leah@goodgirlstalkaboutsex.com. Also, let me know if you’d like to be a guest on a future episode!

You can find me on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter at IamLeahCarey. Links to any people and resources mentioned in this episode are in the Show Notes. I’m Leah Carey and I look forward to talking with you again next week!

[MUSIC]

Here are some of the great moments we shared with Yaz:

  • 6:24 – Discovering the delights of the shower and bathtub faucet
  • 9:18 – Discovering porn and movie sex scenes
  • 15:14 – Yaz defines gender queer, pansexual, and gender non-conforming as she experiences them
  • 17:15 – How being fat has affected her experience of sexuality
  • 26:18 – Her first experience of penetrative sex … and what happened when she realized she wasn’t ready
  • 31:20 – The STARS talk (as featured in Episode 8a)
  • 38:45 – Is it still non-consensual if we don’t say “no?”
  • 40:55 – What Yaz looks for in a potential partner
  • 41:35 – THE QUICK FIVE

Mentioned in this episode:

  • Sex Positive Portland – Where Yaz and I met, that provides education on sex positive topics as well as organized events in the Portland, Oregon, area
  • Sex Positive World – The parent organization for Sex Positive Portland, with chapters around the world
  • The STARS talk – an easy to remember acronym that will help you begin conversations leading to great, consensual sex. We did an entire episode on it and you can listen here!

If you’d like to hear the full, unedited version of this interview, including Yaz talking about her early explorations with women, become a community supporter at Patreon.

Host – Leah Carey (Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, email)

Editor – Gretchen Kilby

Music by – Nazar Rybak