Part 2 of our conversation with Brianna! Today she details her recent entrance into the swinger lifestyle with her husband. She spares no details about how they discovered their mutual interest in swinging, their early conversations, and their first experiences. She talks about the state of their relationship and how swinging has affected it, her feelings about monogamy, jealousy, and so much more. If you’ve ever wondered about swinging – DON’T MISS THIS CONVERSATION!
Brianna is a 30-year-old cisgender female who describes herself as white, bisexual, married, monogamish, Baptist, and exploring swinging for the first time. She and her husband have two young children.
EPISODE TRANSCRIPT (CLICK TO OPEN)
LEAH: Welcome to Good Girls Talk About Sex. I’m sex educator and sexual communication coach Leah Carey and this is a place to share conversations with all sorts of women about their experience of sexuality. These are unfiltered conversations between adult women talking about sex. If anything about the previous sentence offends you, turn back now! And if you’re looking for a trigger warning, you’re not going to get it from me. I believe that you are stronger than the trauma you have experienced. I have faith in your ability to deal with things that upset you. Sound good? Let’s start the show!
LEAH: Hey friends. As promised, I’m back with Part 2 of my conversation with Brianna. To recap, she’s a 30 year old white cisgender woman who describes herself as bisexual, married, and until recently, monogamous. She and her husband have two children, are active in their church, and just recently began exploring swinging.
Yesterday, you heard her talk about her childhood sexual explorations with other little girls, her unfortunate first relationship with a boy, and the beginning of her relationship with her husband including their initial tiptoeing into the idea of swinging.
So now, let’s get into the really sex stuff. Here in Part 2, Brianna details her recent entrance into the swinger lifestyle with her husband. She spares no details about how they discover their mutual interest in swinging, their early conversations and their first experiences. She talks about the state of their relationship and how swinging has affected it, her feelings about monogamy, jealousy and so much more. If you’ve ever wondered about swinging, don’t miss this conversation!
I’m going to back it up a little bit, so you can hear that last bit again as Brianna and her husband begin talking about visiting Desire, a swinger’s resort. I’m so pleased to once again introduce Brianna!
BRIANNA: When I first started researching the trip, I was not interested in anyone else, But the more I started researching it, I figured out it was a lifestyle swinger friendly resort and we have to ask ourselves these questions like would we be okay with this? What if somebody comes unto us? What if this happens? What if that happens?
And we’ve had to start really examining ourselves and our relationship and the most interesting thing happened. We started communicating like we had never communicated before. Just like open lines of
communication not that we didn’t have that before, but I think there were sexual fantasies that we never discussed with each other just because we thought, “Oh. That is too freakish. We cannot share that.” Even though we were in a very loving relationship where we were very open with our emotions and our open with our sexual desires, even then we didn’t go that far.
LEAH: So what sorts of fantasies were you having that you weren’t speaking out loud?
BRIANNA: Well, my husband had a fantasy of me with another woman. And he also fantasized me with
another man and I had fantasies with me with another woman and him being with another woman.
LEAH: Very convenient.
BRIANNA: Yes! It just so totally worked out and so we were talking about it and things were so hot and steamy before our trip, then it got to the point where we were getting ready to leave and I said, “I can’t do this. I’m out. I can’t do anything. I just want to go and have a great time with you and that’s what this trip is about and it’s not about anybody else and I don’t want to muddle it with other people.”
Because I was panicked, internally, I was panicking like, “What if he experiences someone that’s better than me?” I had all these fears in my head like we got together when we were 17, maybe he thinks I’m the greatest person in the world but literally, I’m one of the only people he’s ever experienced, what if someone is better than me? And so that’s where that came in and I was fearful like I cannot engage with anything else with anybody else because what if he finds somebody else? And he is the love of my life and the father of my children and I cannot put that on the table.
And so we went to Desire and oh my Gosh! It was the best time of my life honest to God. It was literally the time of my life. And it was really interesting because I’m very reserved in my normal life like I said I follow the rules, I’m just very rigid. I’m a good girl, right? So when we get to Desire, and I already told him, I’m probably not going to take my clothes off. I’m probably not going to take my top off. I’m probably never, for sure, going to take my bottom off because I’ve had two children. I’ve nursed two children and my breasts are not what they used to be.
And so I fell very self conscious bout my body and very self conscious especially about my breasts and so when we went, I had no intention of taking anything off. And we got there. And we had been there for probably less than an hour and there were so many beautiful women around me just owning their bodies.
LEAH: In all different sizes and all different shapes.
BRIANNA: All different seizes. It was literally the most accepting beautiful place ever. And I took my top
off like almost instantly. [LAUGHTER]
BRIANNA: I just stood there and, “Wooh! This is freedom!” [LAUGHTER]
BRIANNA: So my husband is very wild in our normal life and he kept joking with me, “As soon as we hit the lobby at Desire, I’m naked. That’s how it’s going to be.” And that is not how it was. We literally had a role reversal there. And so he was very timid and shy like, “What is going on?” And he didn’t know who this lady was with him that he knows as his wife. He’s like, “Who is this girl?”
BRIANNA: Because I was just completely free of all my inhibitions. I had no rules. I was coming onto him trying to suck his dick and we’re just sitting by the pool and he’s like, “Wait. Wait. Wait. These people cannot see me have an erection right now. You’re going to have to stop. Back it up.”
BRIANNA: And so that was the kind of role reversal we had. And then as we were there for a few days, I kept pressuring him. I don’t want to say that I pressured him but I did kind of pressure him.
BRIANNA: “You really need to take your trunks off. It’s so freeing. Just do it. Don’t be scared.” And here I am literally peer pressuring him to take his clothes off.
BRIANNA: And we had this beach bed this day and it was just glorious. We had a waiter coming by every thirty minutes refilling our drinks. It was just amazing and I’m laying there naked as a jay bird. I mean it was the best thing ever.
And so I said, “Let’s go to the beach. Let’s go get in the water.” And all this time, I’d been pressuring him, “Take your trunks off. Take your trunks off.” And he wouldn’t do it. So I got up to go to the water and I turned back to look and there he’s standing, naked. And it was just like all my wildest fantasies come true.
So, over the course of the next couple of days, we had met some couples that were in the lifestyle.
They were swingers and we had these preconceived notions of what swingers were. They weren’t happy at home. They must not have a good sex life. They must not have a good relationship and that’s probably why they’re swingers because they’re not meeting each other’s needs and so that was our preconceived notions going to Desire.
And then we met these wonderful people land we have still friendships with people that we made there. And it was just amazing, so it really flipped the switch with our thinking. And so we didn’t actually have an experience with another couple there at Desire, we actually wanted to but there was a couple there that we didn’t know how to say, “We’re interested in you.” We didn’t know how to broach that subject so we didn’t have any swinger type experiences there.
But when we got home, we joined some swinger sites and we found out that there was a club like a swinger club close to our house. And so we got a sitter and we went to this club and we did not have any expectations. We thought we would just go and see what would happen that night. And we had kind of read online that it was kind of an older crowd and so not that we were against an older crowd, but we just thought maybe we would not fit in. So we show up at the club. We had taken an Uber for the first time ever in our life. We had never taken an Uber because we’re form a really small town. So we had to drive several hours to get to this club, so we took an Uber for the first time ever and we thought we were going to get ax-murdered or something. It was crazy but we were scared.
BRIANNA: So we pull up at this club and it looks like somebody’s house and we’re like, “I’m not sure I’m going in. Are you going in? Are we going to go in? Are we going to get murdered here? I don’t know.”
BRIANNA: So we went in and we got signed up and we went on in and we had a really great time. We talked to a lot of fun people and then we met this couple there and they were close in age to us, a little bit just a couple of years older than us but they were very similar to us. They have children the same age as our children. They’ve been married the same number of years that we’ve been married and they didn’t go to Desire but they had the similar story like they were interested in it but they didn’t know how to go about it. And so it just kind of clicked. We were both raised Christian. And they were involved in their church and we were kind of involved in our church which I know is total craziness. You’d think that that would not be a thing but anyway we really hit it off with them.
And that particular night that we went, I was on my period and so I thought this is like a safety net because I know that nothing’s going to happen because I’m on my period. So we go there and we’re chatting with them and we really hit it off with them and we really liked them. And I was kind of interested in having an experience with a woman. Of course, my husband was really interested in seeing that also.
So we were chatting and chatting and the club was getting ready to close down but they had these I guess play rooms, you would call them. And it was a private room that you could go in and then they clean it after you leave. And so I don’t remember who it was that said, “Let’s go to the play room.” I don’t know. It’s probably either my husband or the other husband of the other couple. And I was
panicked like, “No! I cannot go to the play room! I’m on my period.” But I couldn’t say that to this new couple. I didn’t want to be grotesque at all. I can’t do that.
BRIANNA: But we ended up going and I thought, “Well, let’s just see what happens.”
So we started out with our respective spouses and I think I was going down on my husband and she was going down on her husband which was exciting. We were in the same room and we were kind of just like, “This is something new.” And then the guys kind of were like, “Do you girls want to see what it’s like with each other?” And of course, I was like, “Oh, hell yeah.”
So me and the other lady, the wife of the other couple, started kissing and caressing each other and there was no below the belt. I had my top off. She had her top off. I didn’t have my top off I was wearing a dress. Anyway, it was just kind of I pulled my dress down and that’s how it went. And then, I don’t remember what happened, I was probably the aggressor because I was really into her and I was attracted to her. She was a very attractive lady.
She’s a very good kisser and so I ended up going down on her which I had never done before. The only experience I’ve ever had with another woman was making out or kissing. And so, I ended up going down on her that night and then she was trying to go down on me and I was like, “Wait. Wait. Wait. I’m on my period. I would love for that to happen right now but we can’t do that.”
So that’s kind of what happened there and we ended the night and we were all walking out of there like kids in a candy store or something like that like, “What just happened?”
BRIANNA: There was no play between me and the other husband or her and my husband on that first night. And so we started chatting with each other, a four way chat. And so we would talk to each other, “What did you think about that? How did you like that? What are you fantasies? What do you want to do next time? Do you want to get together next time?” So we started talking with them and we planned another trip just with them, not to the club but with them to a room and we would just meet there in the room.
LEAH: A room in a hotel?
BRIANNA: Yes. And so we ended e up going there that night and we had no experience whatsoever. We
are like brand new baby swingers. I really don’t like that word. I don’t like to say I’m a swinger. But okay. [LAUGHTER]
BRIANNA: So we were brand new in this. And we had no idea what we were doing and we had never had any opposite spouse play and that night, we showed up and we were all kind of nervous, right? We were like, “What is about to happen? What if I get upset? What if they get upset?” There’s a four way connection here and what if someone got upset? And that was a major concern of ours because number one, I don’t want to do anything that would affect my marriage and I don’t want to do anything that would affect their marriage because we value our own marriage and we also value their marriage. And we don’t want to cause any problems with anybody else and we don’t want to cause any problems for ourselves.
And so we went into that night very, very skeptical and very scared. And we just have such a connection with this couple that from the minute we got there, we were a little bit nervous, all four of us were nervous but we had a few drinks and we just sat around talking and it was just very fluid. It was very sexual and flirty and we were all kind of there for the same reason. So it progressed and we ended up, I guess having a soft swap is what you would call it. So we had oral sex between spouses and there was touching between spouses but there was no intercourse.
LEAH: When you say between spouses, you mean you swapped husbands?
BRIANNA: Yes, so he went down on me and my husband went down on her and she went down on my husband and I went down on him. That night, there was always a four way connection so when something was happening, there was always something happening with other people. Nobody was left standing there on their own and so that was really important for us that first time because we were really nervous and they were nervous. It was their first time too because I think it’s important I say that.
We were both in the same boat. So we were like super cautious and every so often somebody would say, “Are you okay with that? Are you okay with that?” And so it was a very safe space I feel like. They were constantly making sure, “Is this okay with you?” And we were checking, “Is this okay with you?” Because we don’t want to do anything that would affect you negatively.
So the next day we left, we wake up the next morning, and we’re like, “What just happened?” But it was so awesome. And I really liked it. And I realized, looking back over the course of time, that that’s always kind of been a fantasy of mine to see my husband with another woman which is so bizarre because I’ve always been kind of a jealous person.
And I really can’t explain that but I guess jealousy in an emotional way. And so, to see him with another woman and doing these acts with another woman is very arousing to me. And I think he would say the same thing if he were here talking. He would say he is very aroused by me, seeing me perform oral sex on another man.
LEAH: During each episode, I encourage you to leave a rating and review for the show but I’ve heard from many of you that you don’t know how or even worse that the platform you’re listening on doesn’t allow you to leave a review. There’s finally a solution. Go to ratethispodcast.com/goodgirls. You can click that link in the app you’re listening on right now. And it will show you exactly how to leave a rating and review no matter how you’re listening.
Recently, TrinisotaSlim left this review “A friend hipped me to this podcast a couple of months ago. I’ve binged every episode since then. As women, we don’t talk enough about sex or learn nearly enough about it from our perspective. Listening to these women’s stories has been so eye-opening and enlightening for me. I learned I’m not alone in some things and I gained awareness on a lot of other things and I’m grateful. Big fan of this show and concept.”
Thank you TrinisotaSlim. I’ve been hoping that’s what listeners would be taking away from this show and I’m incredibly grateful for you for letting me know that it’s working. I am also the ultimate white girl and apparently, I cannot say without any sincerity that a friend hipped me to this podcast.
LEAH: Have you maintained the sort of soft swap status or have you swapped with other couples and had full intercourse?
BRIANNA: We have not had full intercourse with other couples to this point. We have talked about it especially with the one couple but they’re parents and we’re parents and so our schedules don’t always line up so we can’t always get together. So when we do have an opportunity to get together, we do. But each time we’ve gotten together, it’s been more of a soft swap situation.
Now, we have talked in our group chat a lot about full intercourse but of both of us or all four of us I guess I should say, that is a huge fantasy for us. But what happens if that really happens? What if fantasy doesn’t meet reality? Or what if it doesn’t meet our expectations and what if somebody gets upset? And now that we have a relationship with these people where we’ve been talking to them for months and months and we’ve seen each other several times. We know each other deeper than we knew each other in the beginning so it’s like I don’t want to do anything to hurt their marriage or hurt her feelings and I’m sure they feel the same way vice versa and so we’re all kind of trigger shy about fully swapping and we may never.
We may never fully swap and that would be just fine with me. And I think the thing for us is that is being with other people who are sex positive and we can have a conversation about sex with and even if we had no play with them at all, we just really enjoy being around them because they’re very likeminded. And we don’t have these conversations with these people in our normal life.
LEAH: Sure. So you’ve swapped partners and the two females have played together? Have the two males ever played together or has there ever been male contact?
BRIANNA: No, there has not been. My husband nor the other husband are not interested in a bisexual type of relationship.
LEAH: That’s so interesting to me. So I think I’ve talked about this before on these podcasts. I spent a week at hedonism in Jamaica.
BRIANNA: I didn’t know that. If you’ve ever talked about that, I don’t know if I’ve listened to that episode, but I thought I had listened to all of them.
LEAH: Maybe it got cut on the editing room floor. [LAUGHTER]
LEAH: But yeah, when I was going through my whole exploration, I didn’t have a partner so I went as a single female and I sort of had like big eyes, both deer in the headlight eyes and also kid in the candy shop eyes like all that the same time.
LEAH: But I spent a week at hedonism and one thing that I was really aware of was how positive it was like you said for my body image. To see all these other women in all different sizes and types of bodies and to realize that I’m okay, I fit here. Nobody’s going to run me out of town because I don’t’ have a perfect little size 6 flat tummy body. That was huge.
But I was also very aware that all of the swappings seemed to be with the females and that there was very little if any male-male contact going on. And I haven’t had a lot of other contact with the swinger community outside of that. My contact has been primarily with the sex positive community which does have a bisexual male component.
So that’s something that’s always been of interest to me. What is it about the swinger community that seems to not be quite as, I don’t know if it’s just that the men aren’t interested or if there’s some sense that that’s less cool for swingers than female-female?
BRIANNA: Well, I’ve listened to podcasts about that because I like to listen to those types of podcasts. And we’ve been on the swinger websites where you sign up and say what you’re interested in. And we’ve seen a lot of other couples, I won’t say a lot, but we’ve seen some other couples who would say that the male is bisexual or he’s bicurious but we have almost no experience really in this scenario.
BRIANNA: But we haven’t run into that a lot. Even at Desire it wasn’t a thing. Now, people talked about whether they were in the lifestyle or whether once we’ve said we’re not in the lifestyle because remembered I said, “I’m done. I’m not doing that. I’m too scared” before we went to Desire. So we didn’t have a lot of conversations about what are your boundaries, what are you interested in but we have seen some bisexual males on those sites and we’ve heard from bisexual males on the podcast but we don’t have a lot of experience with that and my husband just is not interested in that.
LEAH: Sure. How long ago was your trip to desire? BRIANNA: It was about six months ago.
LEAH: Oh so this really is brand new! Oh my Gosh! Okay! So how are you feeling about this? Is it feeling like an excitement that you want to keep pursuing further and further? Do you feel like we’ve kind of hit the limit where we are?
BRIANNA: I am excited about it and I really enjoy talking about it with my husband and I really enjoy talking about it with other couples and I’ve had a few moments though where I’ve had to kind of draw back and I’ve said so many times over the course of the last how many months, where I’ve said, “I can’t do this anymore.”
I mentioned earlier in the podcast about feeling like I can’t trust people and I didn’t mention this earlier but with the person that I had sex with the first time, he had cheated on me multiple times that I was not aware of. And so, I’ve always kind of accepted that and just thought that I wasn’t worthy of someone’s undevoted love and attention and so, over the course of time, I have realized that that has crept up on me.
Not because of something that my husband has ever done but because of things that I have been through previously. It’s kind of crept up on me and there’s this voice in my head saying, “You’re not enough for him and he needs somebody else.” And that’s why we’ve been interested in this and maybe it’s skewed in my own brain. Maybe he’s actually interested in someone else because I’m not meeting his desire and so, I know that is completely irrational and I have a tendency to do that where I take a thought and then it just goes into my brain and then it just bangs around in there and then it just comes out and it’s totally irrational. But I don’t have the ability to say it’s irrational at the moment.
And so several times over the last few months, I’ve said, “I can’t do this anymore.” So when we first came home from Desire, we signed up in two swinger sites. And we were chatting with couples on there and I actually had a really bad experience with one couple and I said, “I’ve got to cancel these. I’m not going to do this anymore.” Because we had chatted with this couple and they were very forward and
very kind of pressuring and we’re not going to be pressured. So it just felt really weird and we canceled it and we blocked those people and we haven’t chatted with them since.
And then we’ve been kind of considering starting back again just to see what’s out there if there’s anybody else we could have an interaction with. The couple we have been saying I guess you could say we’ve been seeing them, they live several hours from us so to coordinate schedules between two of us, it’s difficult because there’s a gap in where we live. It’s a considerable distance for either of us to travel.
LEAH: It strikes me that maybe that’s not a terrible thing as you’re exploring this new thing that has a lot of emotions and a lot of potential landmines that you live so far away from each other means it just pumps the brakes without you having to be the ones to pump the brakes.
BRIANNA: It’s probably a good thing because it takes me about I don’t know how many days. It takes me several days to process my emotions after we have had an interaction with them. Not that they have done anything to upset me, not that my husband has done anything to upset me, but I just need a few days to process it so the morning after, I can’t say, “Oh, that’s great. It was totally hot and I loved it” because I did, but I need time to process it emotionally because there are things that I need to think about and kind of mull over in my own brain.
I’d be like, “I don’t know what I felt about that.” There have been a couple of different things that kind of didn’t just sit quite right with me. Not that it was the husband’s fault or the other lady’s fault, it was just, “Hmm. Wait a minute. I don’t know how I feel about that.” And I need time to process it. So it’s probably a good thing that they live several hours from us because it gives me time to just think about it and really process my emotions over it because it is an emotional thing.
But I guess in the swinger community, when you have these types of interactions, people always say, “You can’t be emotional about it. It’s not an emotional interaction. It is a physical interaction and that is it.” And so it’s hard for me because my brain has been trained to think that my emotions about this person, for instance my husband, and my physical interaction with him are one.
And so I don’t know how to necessarily separate that. So I’m really in a learning curve here because I don’t know I’m not an expert I’m very, very new at this so I’m still trying to figure my way. I may tomorrow decide I can’t ever do this again and that would be fine. Me and my husband both have had that conversation if he ever decides he does not want to participate in that, I’m out. If I ever say I can’t do this again, we’re out. This is a joint thing here.
LEAH: Yeah. So you mentioned that there were some things that have happened that have given you pause, what kinds of things?
BRIANNA: There was one instance when I felt like maybe the other lady was getting a little bit more extra special attention to my husband. And there was no sexual activity going on at this time. And I think
that’s interesting to point out if I’ve ever felt any kind of jealousy, I’ll say, “It has not been a sexual interaction.”
LEAH: That actually makes a lot of sense to me.
BRIANNA: Yes. And so it was more like the husband of the other couple went to the restroom and all three of us were sitting there. The conversation was happening between my husband and the other wife and that’s fine. She’s a very fun bubbly person to talk to. She’s wonderful but in that moment, I was like, “Wait a minute.” I felt left out, I guess is the way you would say it. And that’s one of the moments where I just had to lake a minute and be like whoa, I didn’t know how I felt about that.
LEAH: My experience with non-monogamy has been very similar to what you juts described. I’m actually very comfortable watching a partner sexually interact with other people as long as I’m in the room to watch it. My jealousy triggers go off the charts if there’s something going on that I’m not there to witness because my brain creates all of these stories about what it is and my jealousy triggers can also get triggered around these sort of just the non-sexual interactions, the flirting or the being playful with each other. Is my partner more interested in her than he is in me? How come I don’t get that response kind of thing.
BRIANNA: Oh, for sure. And it’s interesting. It’s really interesting I have seen this woman suck my man’s dick but when she’s having a conversation with him, I’m like, “Wait a minute.”
BRIANNA: What kind of sense does that make? [LAUGHTER]
BRIANNA: But and that goes back to the thing, there are people who are polyamorous and that’s great and I’ve listened to a lot of podcasts about polyamory but I don’t know that I could ever do that because I need the emotional connection to be one on one like you are committed to me emotionally. And that sounds so crazy to say that but that’s how I feel. I really enjoy watching sexual activity between my husband and other women, but I cannot handle it if we’re talking about a conversation.
Not that I was completely emotionally distressed over that, but I did have a moment. I didn’t say it at the moment. I didn’t express that at that time. And actually, they don’t know about that. I never said anything because after I processed it and thought about it and had my time to think about it, I felt it was completely innocent and it was just my own brain warping the way that it actually was. And I do that a lot, my brain just really warps things.
LEAH: I want to go back and pick up one other thing that you mentioned before we started taping that I think is really important which is emotional monogamy versus sexual monogamy and I think that is a concept that’s going to be a brain twister for a lot of people. But when I asked you what your preferred relationship style, you said, “Well monogamy but emotional monogamy and then sexual non- monogamy.” So can you explain what that means to you?
BRIANNA: Yes. For us, for me and my husband, we both fantasize about each other being physical with other people and I actually really enjoy another woman. A woman’s touch is so different than a man’s touch. It just is. And it’s very enjoyable. I like a soft touch. I also like a rough touch but for me, when I was growing up, going back to my teenage years, I had a girl who was really interested in me and I was interested in her.
I was attracted to her and we had kind of made out and things like that but I think I had a boyfriend at the time, I don’t know, it was kind of a secret thing. But I couldn’t go to an emotional level with her, it was more of a physical thing. So for me, in the place where I’m at, physical relationship with a woman is very desirable for me but I cannot have an emotional relationship other than the one that I have with my husband. And so, we both feel the same away about that.
Our emotional relationship in our marriage is extremely important to us so we have a very great relationship. But it’s also very exciting to engage with physical activity with other people. And it’s exciting to watch him with another woman. And it’s exciting for him to watch me with another woman or me with another man. And so, it’s a mind twister because it’s like that doesn’t make sense, but we’re very committed to each other in our marriage and he relationship we have with each other but it’s always like we’re adding this spice to a really wonderful recipe to have with each other.
LEAH: I like that.
BRIANNA: Every now and then, it’s fun to add just a little bit of spice to that.
LEAH: I love that. So is there any question or concern you have about sex in general or your sex life in particular right now?
BRIANNA: No, I can’t think of anything. I have a very fulfilling sex life with my husband. We are just like kids really. It’s kind of weird.
BRIANNA: I mean it’s just very weird. We’re just like teenagers really. But we’ve never lost that. We’ve always had that really great sexual chemistry with each other and not only that, but a really great emotional relationship. We have been through ah lot in our short time that we’ve been together.
I’ve never mentioned this before but he was in the military and we’ve been through basic training, we’ve been through deployment, we’ve been through birthing two children and bringing those two children into our life and that is very difficult on a marriage bringing children into your marriage. I don’t mean to say that in a negative way but it is, learning how to integrate these children into your lives and into your relationship. So it’s always been very important for us to have time for each other and so before we had our children, people always said, “You’re never going to have sex again. It’s over.”
BRIANNA: And we were like, “No. That is not going to be for us.” And we have just always maintained that. Yes, we’re tired. Yes, we’re exhausted. These children literally suck the lives out of us but they’re also the loves of our lives and we have to make time for what’s important. So it’s always just been important for us. And our sexual relationship is just as important to us as our emotional relationship with each other.
LEAH: There’s one other thing I wanted to go back to which is that you’ve mentioned that you’re still active in your church life. I assume that you’re sex life and your church life are not intersecting at all.
BRIANNA: That is correct.
LEAH: So how are you handling that?
BRIANNA: I have had some issues kind of reconciling those two things because I’ve always felt like kind of like a bad girl in the bedroom to relationships to sex because I’ve always been kind of kinky and freaky and just not normal. When this whole thing came up about the swinging lifestyle, I kept saying tot my husband, “What if anybody knew that this was what we were into? We would be ex-communicated. We would never be invited back to the PTA. We would not be going to church anymore like we would be done.”
BRIANNA: And so we’ve kind of talked a lot about that amongst ourselves and came to the conclusion that we don’t kind of relate our sex life to our spiritual life. So why would we now? Why would we involve these other people that we’ve invited into our bedroom? Why would that have any effect on our spiritual life? And I may get a lot of flak for saying that. I don’t know.
And that’s just the kind of way that we reconcile what we’re doing and the way we’re having fun. And the thing about it is the way I look at it is the only thing that this has done for our relationship is just
made it better because our communication is better than it has ever been. Our relationship is better than it has ever been. And if something is so great for our relationship, how could it be wrong?
LEAH: Yeah, I’m with you there. Brianna, we have done it. This has been absolutely amazing. Thank you so much for having us. Thank you for reaching out and being willing to have this conversation.
BRIANNA: Thank you so much for having me. I’m so tickled that I got to talk to you tonight and I cannot wait. I’m counting the days like every other Thursday so that I can listen to your episodes.
BRIANNA: It’s a thing. I’m so invested. I love what you’re doing and thank you so much for taking the time to talk with me tonight.
LEAH: Okay friends. We’re now actually done. I hope you’ve enjoyed this special double episode of Good Girls Talk About Sex.
Don’t forget if you want even more, there is still the entire unfiltered Q and A, a full 27 more minutes of Brianna talking about her sex life over at Patreon.com. And because I’m having so much fun with this double episode, I’ve made it available to all supporters no matter what level you pledge at. So don’t forget to check that out and become a community supporter at Patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex. That link is in the episode description in the app you’re listening on right now.
Take care and I’ll talk to you next time!
Here are some of the notable moments she shared with us:
- 4:00 – opening lines of communication with her husband, revealing fantasies
- 5:25 – arriving at the Desire resort
- 5:55 – body insecurity after childbearing
- 7:00 – experiencing role reversal with wild husband being shy, her being wild when free of rules
- 9:00 – meeting swingers and becoming open to the idea
- 10:00 – going to their first swingers club at home
- 11:00 – meeting the first couple they felt compatible with
- 13:50 – starting a 4-way chat between the couples
- 15:00 – a “soft swap” between the spouses for oral play
- 16:30 – continued conversation about safety and consent
- 19:40 – where they are in terms of doing a full swap
- 24:20 – the lack of male/male interaction in swinging
- 25:50 – the issues that have come up around trust and feeling like she’s not enough
- 28:30 – her emotional processing after encounters
- 30:55 – the moments that spark jealousy aren’t the sexual ones
- 33:30 – discussing emotional monogamy
- 38:30 – maintaining marital sex life after children
- 39:20 – reconciling swinger sexual activity with church community/mindset
The Patreon extras for this episode are:
- The extended Lowdown Q&A for ALL supporters at ALL levels!
Learn more and become a community supporter at www.patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex.
If you like this show, please leave a rating and review at www.ratethispodcast.com/goodgirls
Want to be on the show? Visit www.leahcarey.com/guest and let me know that you’re interested. I’d love to talk with you!
To learn about Sexual Communication Coaching, visit www.leahcarey.com/coaching
Editor – Gretchen Kilby
Music by – Nazar Rybak