Do you enjoy giving blow jobs?

LEAH: Welcome to Good Girls Talk About Sex. I’m sex educator and sexual communication coach Leah Carey and this is a place to share conversations with all sorts of women about their experience of sexuality. These are unfiltered conversations between adult women talking about sex. If anything about the previous sentence offends you, turn back now! And if you’re looking for a trigger warning, you’re not going to get it from me. I believe that you are stronger than the trauma you have experienced. I have faith in your ability to deal with things that upset you. Sound good? Let’s start the show!

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LEAH: Hey friends. The last few weeks have been really intense. As I’m recording this, my partner and I have just moved into a new apartment where we have a little more space and I have an office. An honest to goodness office where I can work and record this podcast and all the other things that go along with running a business at home. Honestly, for the last year and a half, I have been doing all of this from my couch and my bed.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: I can’t tell you how excited I am to have a dedicated space to record this podcast and run my business. Though for the record, I’d like to tell you that I’m recording this episode in my car because I don’t have the recording space set up yet and cars can be great recording studios except for those pesky people like the person driving by right now who used this time to access this street.

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LEAH: So just a fair warning in advance, there will be more background noise in this episode than usual. But anyway back to the move. One thing that I’m really excited about in my new apartment is that the office space has a daybed in it and it can function as a couch most of the time but it is also a really comfy twin size bed. Of course that means we can use it for visitors someday in the future when we’re allowed to have visitors again. But even better, it means we’ll each have a space we can sleep in. So obvious question, why do we want separate bedrooms?

It’s not because we’re living in a 50s TV style marriage where we’re not allowed to share a bed, I promise. It’s because sometimes we each like sleeping by ourselves. My partner and I are really light sleepers and can be kind of tossy and turny. And if I’m having trouble falling asleep, my internal guilt sensor is going to be telling me that I’m disturbing him, which makes it even harder to fall asleep. And he says the same thing to me.

In the past, that has often meant that my partner ended up sleeping on the couch as often as he slept in our shared bed. And the couch is fine for sleeping but it’s not a bed. But it’s more than that, too. There are times when I just want to fall asleep on my own. Not because I don’t love him but because I value my own space too. In fact, having some alone time allows me to be a better partner to him.

Rather than being an indication that there’s trouble in the relationship, I actually think that having the option to sleep separately can be a sign of a healthy relationship. We won’t be sleeping apart all the time, maybe a couple of nights a week. But I love that we can do this as a proactive choice rather than because there’s a crisis in the relationship and someone has been banished to the couch.

I actually wonder how often some couples unconsciously manufacture a crisis just so they can get some alone time. If that’s something you have done, call the response line at 720-GOOD- SEX and tell me about it. I would love to hear that story. So, that’s the news from Casa Good Girls. Now, let’s jump to the episode.

Today, we’re asking the question, do you enjoy giving oral sex? For our heterosexual friends, that means blow jobs. For our lesbian friends, that means cunnilingus. And for everyone else that means a smorgasbord of sexy fun. I’ll be back with my own answer in a few minutes.

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SPEAKER 1: Yes, I enjoy both of those things.

SPEAKER 2: Depends on the person. But yeah, generally.

SPEAKER 3: I actually do. I’ve been told that I’m very good at it so I think you kind of enjoy doing the things you’re good at.

[LAUGHTER]

LEAH: So true!

SPEAKER 3: Right? If I sucked at it, I would be like, “Oh. This sucks.”

I don’t have a gag reflex either which is super helpful. But yeah, I enjoy it. I think it’s powerful like I have their dick in my mouth like I’m in control here. I know that some people think that it’s demeaning or whatever, I’m like for me it’s kind of like, “Yeah. I’m pretty powerful here.”

SPEAKER 4: Not as oral as I used to be. I used to love to do that. But if I’m officially warmed up, I would want to do that.

SPEAKER 5: Really hard. Hard to talk about. SPEAKER 6: Yeah. With a partner that I trust. I do. SPEAKER 7: I do. I love it.

SPEAKER 8: I do now.

I guess there’s something about the chemistry between me and my husband that’s just awesome. He’s the only person I’ve ever swallowed. Even my ex husband has never. No, I would avoid getting him to that point because I didn’t want anyone near my taste buds. No. But my current husband, I’ll take him all the way. It’s not my preference but I enjoy doing it for him.

SPEAKER 9: It’s not that we’d just dive into it. But if we had some foreplay, if I liked the person, I would really like to do that. With men, women, I’ve dated trans people too. I’m now officially pansexual.

SPEAKER 10: I don’t like penises and they definitely don’t belong in my mouth. Like ew, ew. I don’t want to touch it. No. But I really, really, really like oral sex with women like a lot.

SPEAKER 11: I do when I’m with a partner that I really enjoy being with. If I really like the person I’m with and I really enjoy their body and I really enjoy them, it is really easy for me to enjoy giving them pleasure and enjoy their dick in my mouth. But otherwise, I feel like I pretty much do it as a warmup to get them ready or because I know it’s going to feel really good for them. Not so much because I enjoy it.

SPEAKER 12: I love giving blow jobs. I love giving oral sex. I will request that. I will get as much enjoyment out of that as I do with penis and vagina sex or whatever. Yeah, I love it.

SPEAKER 13: I especially like watching my partner’s face if I can when that’s happening because I very much enjoy seeing them enjoy themselves.

LEAH: Do you have a preference between giving oral sex on a penis versus on a vagina? SPEAKER 13: I probably prefer a penis over a vagina. I don’t know why. If you ask me another

day, I might have a different answer but today.

SPEAKER 14: Yes. But I do have TMJ so it’s not very often anymore.

SPEAKER 15: The smell and just the sounds with it. I love that. And so, I loved the whole thing. SPEAKER 16: No.

LEAH: Do you do it anyway?

SPEAKER 16: Rarely.

LEAH: What don’t you like about it?

SPEAKER 16: So many things.

[LAUGHTER]

I strongly dislike having semen in my mouth for one. So that’s like do not cum in my mouth please. To be honest, the big thing for me is that my jaw gets tired and I have a very tight jaw to begin with so it takes a lot of work and it’s very physically uncomfortable for me to give oral sex. Also my gag reflex is real strong like I have previously vomited on someone. And he still wanted to have sex after!

[LAUGHTER]

Dude, I just puked on your dick! What the fuck? Yeah. [LAUGHTER]

SPEAKER 17: I love oral. I like blow jobs now. I didn’t before. LEAH: What has changed?

SPEAKER 17: The ability to negotiate more with my own body and to not feel pressured to do more performative things that professionals do.

LEAH: I think I know exactly what you mean but for people who are not familiar with what performative means. Can you explain that?

SPEAKER 17: Sure. I mean that when I think of some ways to have sex and some ways to give blow jobs, it is in line with what you would see with your average porn that you would look up on the Internet. A lot of deepthroating, a lot of holding the back of the head, making people gag, fast rapid hand movement. Zero to sixty like there’s a dick and there it is all the way in your face, which is wonderful if you love that. And on occasion, that’s nice for me too but it wasn’t anad I have to talk about my body. I have a really strong gag reflex so it was physically difficult and painful to do that and I would anyway. I would say yes and I didn’t really want to do it like that. It wasn’t until I learned how to dialogue back and have experiences of my own body being taken into equal consideration then I was like, “Oh!” Literally, I started telling my friends who had always been vocal about loving blow jobs, like “I’m starting to like it now.”

[LAUGHTER]

Yeah. But I do love eating pussy. Always, always. The moment that I was lucky enough to have a partner with a pussy that would let me, I was happy to be spending lots of time there.

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LEAH: Okay. My turn. I have to admit I’m a bit agnostic about genitals, both penises and vulvas. I’ve never met a set of genitals that I immediately thought, “Hey, I want to get with that!” I become more interested in interacting with someone’s genitals after I’ve gotten to know them and I’m attracted to their whole person.

For instance, it was at least a couple months of dating my current partner that I finally became enamored of his penis. Before that, it was just a thing between his legs that needed to be dealt with. I know that might sound weird coming from someone who talks as openly about sex as I do. But my openness isn’t about loving every single aspect of sex. It’s realizing that I’m allowed to like and dislike things. It’s about realizing I’ve got hang-ups and I don’t need to be ashamed of them. And it’s realizing that some of my desires are contradictory and that’s okay and normal.

And one of those contradictory desires is sometimes I want to have sexy time with someone even though I’m not really interested in interacting with their genitals. But a few months into this relationship, a switch flipped inside me and I wanted to interact with his dick. And it’s quite possible that it coincided with the day he brought home a little gift for me.

At the beginning of our relationship, I told him that I don’t swallow. I’ll tell you more about that story in two weeks when the topic will be, “Do you swallow?” That wasn’t a problem for him. So I would occasionally go down on him and stop before things got too hot and heavy. Then, one day, he came over and told me he’d gotten this little gift for me. He was clearly excited about it so even before I knew what it was, I was excited too. When we were down to business that

night, he pulled out a package of non-lubricated, tasteless odorless condoms. He told me if I were up for it, we could try using them during blow jobs.

I was really touched by his thoughtfulness. I was also kind of nervous because giving a blow job with a condom on was going to be really unpleasant. I’m sensitive to taste, smell, texture, pretty much everything. But as it turned out, the condom was perfect and we still use them regularly. For those who want to try them out, I recommend non-lubricated Trustex condoms and there’s information in the Show Notes. So now that I’m deeply involved with a man who is attached to the penis and we have the protection in place that keeps me from having to deal with ejaculate, I adore giving him blow jobs.

And there’s another factor in this current relationship that has allowed me to embrace blow jobs. And that’s my partner’s feedback. There’s a lot of cultural pressure on women to give a great blow job. “How to give a mind blowing blow job” is a regular feature in Cosmo magazine and other women oriented outlets.

But between being agnostic about the genitals that I was interacting with and fear of having ejaculate in my mouth, I could never really relax enough to feel good about what I was doing to a partner’s penis. For the most part, I got really little feedback from my male partners. But there was one boyfriend, of course, who actively told me I wasn’t good at it and asked me to do things I wasn’t coordinated enough to do. There was sucking and twisting and pulling all involved at once and I didn’t want to be there in the first place so it’s no wonder I couldn’t get it all sorted to his satisfaction.

But my current partner didn’t set me up for failure. He told me right upfront what he wanted. He asked me to use more tongue. I wasn’t really sure what that meant, but I tried something. He gave me positive feedback, then gave me a more specific request for the location to use my tongue. I tried it, he gave me more positive feedback and that’s how it’s continued. We’ve been together long enough now that he doesn’t need to give me basic instructions anymore, but he continues to give me feedback.He gives me groans and noises that let me know he’s enjoying what I’m doing. He tells me when he wants it soft and slow or when he wants it harder and faster and he regularly tells me that he loves my blow jobs, which means I’m no longer in my head worrying that I’m doing a terrible job. Because he lets me know that he wants me to keep going and that has made all the difference.

One more note before we move on. So far, I’ve only talked about giving blow jobs to penises, but the original question asked about giving oral sex to penises or vulvas. Now there’s a story out in the common mythology that if you’re a woman, you’ll automatically give out amazing oral sex to other women because you know exactlty how things down there work.

Let me tell you folks. That shit is complicated. Every time I’ve been down there on someone else’s vulva, I have been completely perplexed about what to do and how to do it. This is completely separate from the women on the other side receiving pleasure. I’ve had a couple of women appear to have orgasms from my oral ministrations but I was so tense and unsure of

what to do, how to do, where to do it, that I can’t in good conscience tell you that I was enjoying what I was doing. And given what I know about how often women fake orgasms, just to get something over, I also can’t guarantee that the women receiving oral sex from me were enjoying it as much as they appeared to be.

So the answer to the question, do I enjoy giving blow jobs and oral sex? My answer is … it’s complicated.

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LEAH: I want to invite you to imagine for a moment what your ideal sex life looks and feels like.

Who are you with?
What type of sex do you have together?
How do you feel while touching them?
How does your body feel when they touch you?
Or … would you like to have LESS sex than you’re currently having?

If you don’t know, or if that vision of your ideal doesn’t look at all like what’s currently going on in your bedroom, I can help.

With personalized sex and intimacy coaching, we’ll explore where you are, where you want to be, and the steps to help you get there.  There are no right or wrong answers, just the answers that work FOR YOU.

I understand that exploring your sexuality and all that goes with it – your body image, your belief in your lovability, and more – can be terrifying.  Believe me, I sat in the middle of that fire for decades. I know how painful it is.  But I also stepped out the other side, stronger, more confident, and more certain of my own lovability and desirability. You can do the same.

I work with couples and one-on-one – whether you’ve never explored your sexual desires before, or you want to explore things you’ve never done before like BDSM or non-monogamy, or if you and your partner need some help figuring out how to communicate together about sex.

I am queer, kinky, and poly friendly.

I want you to have a deeply fulfilling intimate life, and together we can help you get there.

For more information and to schedule your free Discovery Call, visit www.leahcarey.com/coaching. A new client recently said that before her Discovery Call she was extremely nervous, but that I made the experience feel easy and comfortable.

Book your free Discovery Call today at www.leahcarey.com/coaching.

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LEAH: For this week’s “Am I normal?” question, we’re dipping our toes into dating someone who is polyamourous.

QUESTION: And the woman I’m really into and I’m so excited about her. The thing is, she says she’s polyamorous and she has other partners. And I’ve always been monogamous but she and I are such a good fit just in every way. It just works. Am I crazy to believe I might be okay with her sleeping with other people? Is this normal?

LEAH: Dear listener, wow, what a brave question and an exciting time of exploration. There are a lot of layers to this question, so I’m going to address a couple of them and invite you to call back if you need more guidance after that.

Is it possible for a mixed monogamous polyamorous relationship to work? Yes, I’ve seen some of them work. Is it easy? No.This type of mixed relationship takes an immense amount of communication because there are going to be different rules for each member of the partnership.

And before you get to communicating with this potential new partner, you need to get honest with yourself. So here are some questions to ask yourself. Do you understand the type of polyamory your potential partner practices? If it’s hierarchical, meaning partners have relative positions of priority in her life, do you understand where you fit in that hierarchy? Are you comfortable with that placement? If she already has a primary partner, are you comfortable with being a non-primary partner? If you’re going to be the primary partner, will she be pursuing other committed relationships? And/or will she be pursuing other casual relationships? Are you comfortable with the idea that she may be actively dating new people? Assuming the two of you get involved, once you’ve gotten through the rush of new love and settled in a sort of stable relationship, how will you feel when she meets someone new and goes through that new relationship energy with someone else? Is your core stable enough to watch her having that new relationship energy with someone else and not wreck your own sense of self esteem and desirability? How much time and attention do you need from your partner in order to be satisfied in a relationship? How much do you need to know or not know about her other relationships in order to feel secure in your partnership?

So let’s be clear. It’s absolutely possible for someone in an open or polyamourous relationship to cheat. In this context, cheating means violating the agreements and boundaries agreed to by both of you. Being polyamorous does not mean that your partner has carte blanche to do anything with anybody, unless that has been prenegotiated.

So what boundaries do you need to put in place to preserve your own sense of security and dignity? This might include whether or not she tells you before having sex with a new person. This might include whether or not you have veto power over her new partners. This might include whether or not she’s bound to use protection with other partners. This might include whether or not there are specific sexual activities that are reserved just for the two of you. It also includes whether or not you, after getting involved in this relationship, are also allowed to take on lovers outside of the relationship.

These are conversations polyamorous couples have on the regular. And if you’re going to be involved with a polyamorous partner, you need to start getting comfortable with having them too.

And once those boundaries are established, what kind of communication do you need from your partner in order for you to be comfortable that your boundaries are being respected and maintained?

And one more really important question, how comfortable are you with people knowing about your relationship structure? If you introduce a new girlfriend to your friends and colleagues and then someone sees her out canoodling with somebody else, are you willing to stand by her side

and defend her right to do that? If not, does that mean you keep your relationship with her secret and are you willing to have a relationship in secret?

None of these questions are meant to be easy to answer and if you’re going through them and you find yourself having easy answers, I’d wager that you’re answering through the rose-colored glasses of your fantasy of what you want to happen rather than being honest with yourself.

Also remember while you’re answering these questions, if you choose to get involved with a polyamorous person, it is with the knowledge that she will remain polyamorous. If you find yourself answering any of the questions above with some version of, “Yeah. But she’ll become monogamous once she realizes how wonderful I am!” You’re responding from a place of wish fulfillment and that isn’t fair to you or to her.

I don’t want to dissuade you. It is possible to make this type of relationship work but it’s going to take a lot of self-reflection and self knowledge on the front end to build the kind of foundation that leads to a successful relationship. I hope that was helpful and I’m looking forward to hearing how it goes for you.

And to everybody listening, do you have a “Am I Normal” question? Please call. Leave a message at 720-GOOD-SEX. I had a rush of questions at the beginning when I started doing this segment but they’ve slowed down recently and I need more to keep this feature running so I encourage you to push yourself to be a little bit brave and dial 720-GOOD-SEX and leave a message with your question about sex and female sexuality. I look forward to hearing from you!

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LEAH: This week I’m excited to introduce you to a pretty new podcast. Marva and Sabrina launched Sistory Untold in June this year and they explore history through the eyes of sisterhood. Here’s a glimpse of their podcast trailer.

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TRAILER: Welcome to Sistory Untold. We are your sisters and host, Marva and Sabrina. In this podcast, we will look at history at the eyes of sisterhood. History often tells us that behind every great man is a strong woman. But we see things a little differently. We think beside every strong woman is another strong woman, supporting her, influencing her, challenging her, hating her or loving her. From so-called Bloody Mary and Elizabeth I to Cardi B and Nicki Minaj, we look into all of the rivalries, collaborations, frenemies and friendships that make up sisterhood. So we hope you’ll join us on June 23rd as we dive on the first episode of Sistory. See you then!

We won’t see them though. It’s a podcast. Okay, well. You’ll hear us then!

Just stop trying.

This is Sistory Untold. [MUSIC]

LEAH: Marva and Sabrina are delightful guides through interesting, sisterly relationships. In fact, if you’re as obsessed with the podcast You’re Wrong About as I am, Sistory Untold is built on a very similar structure.

I’ve just been listening about their July 7 episode about the Skylar sisters made famous by the Hamilton musical which recently came out on Disney Plus. I love that they not only mention that one of their historical references was a bisexual woman, but they also speak respectfully about sex workers. So you know they’ve got my vote.

And they’ve just dropped another episode entirely devoted to 18th century sex workers. I haven’t had the chance to listen to it yet but I am super excited to do that. Links to the Sistory Untold podcast and all of their social media info is in the Show Notes.

That’s it for today. If you’re enjoying the show, please take a moment to leave a 5-star rating and review on Apple podcasts or, if you’re using another podcast app, go to www.ratethispodcast.com/goodgirls.

And remember there is a treasure trove of audio extras available FOR FREE at Patreon. Go to www.patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex. While listening to those extras is free, producing this show is not. If my work is meaningful to you and you have a few dollars to support it each month, I’ll gratefully accept your patronage at Patreon. I donate 10% of all Patreon proceeds to ARC-Southeast, an organization that supports women in the Southeast United States to access reproductive services that are increasingly difficult to obtain.

Find out more and become a community member at www.patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex.

Show notes and transcripts for this episode are at www.GoodGirlsTalk.com.

Follow me on Instagram, Twitter, and YouTube at GoodGirlsTalk for more sex-positive content.

If you have questions or comments about anything you’ve heard on the show, call and leave a message at 720-GOOD-SEX.

Good Girls Talk About Sex is produced by me, Leah Carey, and edited by Gretchen Kilby.

I have additional administrative support from Lara O’Connor and Maria Franco.

Transcripts are produced by Jan Acielo.

Before we go, I want to remind you that the things you may have heard about your sexuality aren’t true. You are worthy. You are desirable. You are not broken.

As your Sex and Intimacy coach, I will guide you in embracing the sexuality that is innately yours, no matter what it looks like. To set up your free Discovery Call, go to www.leahcarey.com/coaching.

Until next time, here’s to your better sex life!

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