Dive Deeper with Leah Carey
I have been through the fire and come out the other side. Now I’m here to walk with you as you do the same.
I will help you take a stand for yourself, your desires, and YOUR PLEASURE.
Receiving oral sex isn’t just about a tongue on a clit – it’s about all the emotional and mental conversation happening at the same time.
Hey. Not everybody likes pizza, either.
LEAH: Welcome to Good Girls Talk About Sex. I am sex educator and sexual communication coach Leah Carey and this is a place to share conversations with all sorts of women about their experience of sexuality. These are unfiltered conversations between adult women talking about sex. If anything about the previous sentence offends you, turn back now! And if you’re looking for a trigger warning, you’re not going to get it from me. I believe that you are stronger than the trauma you have experienced. I have faith in your ability to deal with the things that upset you. Sound good? Let’s start the show!
LEAH: Hey, friends. The last couple solo shows have been all about oral sex. Do you enjoy going down on your partner? Do you swallow? And we’re going to continue the trend today with the question, do you enjoy receiving oral sex? We’re about to hear the answers of about twenty women from the extended Q and As.
I want to remind you that the extended Q and As along with the other audio extras are available at patreon.com and as of July 2020, they are free. That means you can access them whether or not you’re a financial contributor. So head over to patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex to get even more interview goodness.
As a reminder, this is a change I’m testing through October 2020. I decided to move from a you pay me to hear the audio extras model on Patreon to a you can listen to everything free on Patreon and support me if you want to model. Because I know that this material can be life changing for some people. It can even be life saving for women who are in abusive circumstances and experience these shows as a life line. But there are studies that show that people who have been victims of abuse and assault under earn their peers. And I don’t know about you but I meet remarkably few women who haven’t at some point been abused and or assaulted.
If I really want to serve all women and people who are socialized as little girls, a financial barrier to these audio segments no longer makes sense to me. And asking women who are in controlling or abusive relationships to put ac charge on their credit card each month for something that screams female empowerment is a non starter because it would just increase the danger that they’re in.
So, for the next few months, audio extras are free. I’m still hosting the audio at Patreon because it’s convenient. And because my material is marked age 18 plus you’ll need to create a sign in to access my page but once you’re there, the audio extras and extended Q and As are openly accessible. With that said, this podcast is not free to produce so I value the support that I get from Patreon community members who are able to make a financial contribution. If my work is meaningful to you and you have a few dollars to support it each month, I will gratefully accept. If you have more than a few dollars, consider donating extra in honor of other women who need this material but aren’t in a position to contribute. I appreciate every one of you whether you are a client, a contributor, a social media follower, or a silent listener. I trust you to know what’ right for you and I’m so grateful that you’re here.
Now, back to the question at hand, do you enjoy receiving oral sex? Quick spoiler alert, the majority of the answers in this segment are yes. I find it interesting that some of the answers are given the words or the attitude of “Of Course”. The unspoken follow up is, “And who wouldn’t?” This is something that I hear a lot in my conversations about sex but I rarely call it out because I don’t want to break the flow of the specific conversation.
But when it comes to sex, there is no “Of course, who wouldn’t?” Every single act has people who love it and thinks it’s the height of pleasure and people who absolutely despite it and never want to experience it again and everywhere in between. It’s easy to assume that what our bodies enjoy must be enjoyable to all bodies. It’s just not the case. So when you’re talking to your friends about sex, I encourage you to take a pause before making an assumption about what all bodies enjoy, how all bodies respond or the outcome of healing for all people.
It’s why you hear me saying things like many people may experience sex, but others may not. I want to make it really clear that whatever you experience is okay and that you’re welcome here no matter what you experience. So here is a chorus of voices talking about whether they enjoy receiving oral sex. I’ll be back with my own answer in a few minutes.
SPEAKER 1: Absolutely. I love it. But there’s a point in time where I was very self-conscious about that. It’s such a vulnerable kind of thing, an exchange. This has been probably in the last five years I’ve been like that is an ultimate for me, I love receiving oral sex. Big deal, big deal.
SPEAKER 2: I do I have to be turned on though like if I’m not really turned on, the shame stuff would come up pretty hard. Do I deserve this? Are they enjoying themselves? It can get really in my head but if I’m already turned on then I just really love it.
SPEAKER 3: I do so much. So, so much.
SPEAKER 4: Yes.
SPEAKER 5: Not really. I don’t know whether it’s a control issue or if it’s just he likes to watch me and I’m uncomfortable. It’s too much focused attention.
SPEAKER 6: Absolutely I do.
SPEAKERE 6: Of course. A 100%. Go down there all day long. Stay there as long as you want to. For sure, until I tell you to come up and fuck me now. Totally.
SPEAKER 7: Yes.
SPEAKER 8: I would say it happens almost every time we have sex.
SPEAKER 9: If it’s done well, you bet.
SPEAKER 9: It’s frustrating if it’s done badly. So frustrating.
SPEAKER 9: But if it’s done well, yeah.
SPEAKER 10: Yes. But I enjoy giving more so. It’s not that the feeling that I dislike, it’s the being on me, the attention on me like I’d rather it be on you.
SPEAKER 11: Yes. Hell, yes. Yes, I do.
SPEAKER 12: Yes. It’s like a requirement.
SPEAKER 13: Very much so and what’s nice is he enjoys giving it.
SPEAKER 14: Sometimes, it depends. I definitely find that I have to be in the mood.
SPEAKER 15: Yes, I do.
SPEAKER 16: That I’ve always liked.
SPEAKER 17: Yes. A lot.
SPEAKER 18: Yes.
SPEAKER 19: Sometimes. I think I used to really like it and then I had a partner who didn’t really like giving so I just got used to not receiving and now it’s like when it happens. My partner now loves, loves to give and I often stop him.
SPEAKER 20: Absolutely. God, yes!
SPEAKER 21: All right, let’s do this. My Gosh, I think about when I was first starting it out, it freaked me out. Like what are you doing down there? Do I smell okay? Does it taste? I was freaked out a lot. It was very neurotic. I took me a long time to let go of that and now it’s just if you ain’t doing this, you better get the hell out of my face!
SPEAKER 21: But yeah, I love receiving it.
SPEAKER 22: Yes.
LEAH: Even now with dryness issues that can be pleasurable for you?
SPEAKER 22: Yeah. Depending on how I’m feeling, there’s typically we’ll adjust what we’re doing based on what doesn’t and doesn’t feel good but yeah, my partner is great about me. Like please don’t go there right now, that’s not working.
SPEAKER 23: I do now even though I had pretty good lovers and my husband is sensational at oral sex, I actually found it so intense and very, very vulnerable. It took many years to actually relax enough to really, really receive and enjoy it.
SPEAKER 24: Better now than I used to. Yeah, I think I still get a little nervous about it. I have a lot of what if going through my brain so it takes me a little bit to chill the fuck out.
SPEAKER 25: Yeah, I enjoy it.
LEAH: My turn. And let me tell you right up front, this is hard for me. Oral sex is very hit or miss for me and I think it’s both a physical and an emotional/mental thing.
The very first time I experience a tongue on my clit was with the same guy college that I talked about a couple of weeks ago who didn’t want anyone to know that we were physically involved even though I’m 99% sure that everyone knew. One night we had gone out approaching an actual date, dinner and a show. I had planned thee whole thing and he didn’t have to do anything but show up but no matter. We had an amazing time and when we got home he pulled down my pants in the middle of the living room and put his tongue there.
I look back at that relationship and see the patterns of addiction. I damaged relationships with friends and ignored other potential paramours in order to spend time with this man. I blew past my own morals and boundaries in order to get a few minutes of his attention. And most important, feeling his touch was like an electric hit that couldn’t matched by anything else. The more I had, the more I wanted just like a drug. When he touched my skin, it lit up like fireworks. So when he put this tongue on my clit, I about jumped out of my skin with pleasure. He brought me to orgasm by just flicking my clit with his tongue. At 22, my orgasms were much easier to come by.
LEAH: And then he sat up and moved away. There was no post orgasm cuddling in these interactions. I don’t remember the words he said but I remember the feeling I had when he said them. It had been transactional. I had given him a really fun night so he had given me my first experience of oral sex.
After that night, I frequently asked him to use his tongue on me but he always used it as a karat. He would go down on me if I would go down on him or if I would give him intercourse or If I would do something else that I had already, definitively said no to because I wasn’t ready. I don’t recall how many other times he went down on me but it couldn’t have been more than one or two in the nine months we were fooling around. And I knew it was a prize for having given him something in return. To me, it was the height of pleasure. To him, it was purely transactional.
When I got involved in my first serious relationship a few years later, receiving oral sex was a nightmare. I had been dreaming about this particular form of pleasure for so long. But when a different tongue was going down on me, it was completely different. The first guy’s tongue had been dry and precise. The second guy’s tongue was slobbery and all over the place. It felt gross and it was a total turn off but he loved doing it so I put with it.
I had read somewhere that if he turned sideways, it might feel better so the opening of h is mouth was parallel to the opening of my pussy lips rather than perpendicular to them. So I suggested that to him, he tried it once and it felt so much better. I made a big deal about how awesome it was. He said, “Oh I’m going to remember that.” And then he never did it again. Looking back with the grace of emotional distance, I think it was the result of him having a really bad memory but at the time and based on my first experience, I assumed that he too was using it as a transaction. He would use the technique that he knew I liked only “if”, I couldn’t figure out what the “if” was.
And I was too scared to ask because I didn’t really want to know what I would have to give up in order to get what I wanted. I grew resentful every time he went down on him. I would grit my teeth and suffer through it. But also screaming inside my head why don’t you do it the way that works?
Ever since, for the last 20 years, oral sex has been very hit or miss for me and it’s mostly a miss. My current partner enjoys giving oral sex but he’s sensitive enough to realize that I’m not that into it. I’ll invite him to do it once in a while when I’m feeling really centered and grounded and he knows that I’m doing this for his benefit rather than my own enjoyment. And after not too long, I’ll tell him I’ve had enough. He’s gracious enough to stop but I know that it frustrates him.
One of the problems is that when he goes down there, I leave my body entirely. I start making grocery lists or thinking about TV shows and I don’t feel anything. So recently, I’ve been making a concerted effort to stay in my body to focus on the sensation. And each time, my mind wanders to bring it back to the sensation, it still doesn’t feel amazing to me but at least when I do this, I feel something. I’ve spent a lot of time psychoanalyzing myself on this subject.
What I keep coming back to is the idea that back in college, my brain created a neural pathway labeled oral sex. That neural pathway connected pleasure to danger, distrust and manipulation and in a totally rational move to keep me safe my brain shut that shit down. So if my brain won’t allow me to feel pleasure what’s left? Feeling irritated, feeling dissatisfied, or feeling nothing at all. And on top of that, even if there is someone who wants to help me reroute that neural pathway, the first hit of that tongue on clit drug was so intense and pleasurable that I’m not sure that anything will lever match it.
So even if my head is in the game, it’s waiting for a high that may never come again. I have to say I’ve spent a lot of time sorting through all of these memories for this episode. And it’s been really hard. I’ve cried a lot but it’s also been really helpful and I’ve had several conversations with my partner. And we are coming up with some ideas for creating new neural pathways in my brain to connect oral sex to pleasure. I’ll let you know if we have any success.
LEAH: I want to invite you to imagine for a moment what your ideal sex life looks and feels like.
Who are you with?
What type of sex do you have together?
How do you feel while touching them?
How does your body feel when they touch you?
Or … would you like to have LESS sex than you’re currently having?
If you don’t know, or if that vision of your ideal doesn’t look at all like what’s currently going on in your bedroom, I can help.
With personalized sex and intimacy coaching, we’ll explore where you are, where you want to be, and the steps to help you get there. There are no right or wrong answers, just the answers that work FOR YOU.
I understand that exploring your sexuality and all that goes with it – your body image, your belief in your lovability, and more – can be terrifying. Believe me, I sat in the middle of that fire for decades. I know how painful it is. But I also stepped out the other side, stronger, more confident, and more certain of my own lovability and desirability. You can do the same.
I work with couples and one-on-one – whether you’ve never explored your sexual desires before, or you want to explore things you’ve never done before like BDSM or non-monogamy, or if you and your partner need some help figuring out how to communicate together about sex.
I am queer, kinky, and poly friendly.
I want you to have a deeply fulfilling intimate life, and together we can help you get there.
For more information and to schedule your free Discovery Call, visit www.leahcarey.com/coaching. A new client recently said that before her Discovery Call she was extremely nervous, but that I made the experience feel easy and comfortable.
Book your free Discovery Call today at www.leahcarey.com/coaching.
LEAH: For this week’s “Am I Normal” question, we have a woman who is confused by her desire to be dominated in the bedroom.
QUESTION: Hi, Leah. I’m so glad you’re doing this because I have a question that I haven’t been able to ask anyone. Am I normal? At work, I’m in charge. I’ve put in the time and the effort and I’ve risen through the ranks for this job. I’m a highly respected executive, managing a global scene and no one doubts my ability or authority. But when I get home, all that changes, all I want is for my husband to bend me over his knees, spank me and tell me what a bad girl I am. I fantasize about it all the time but I can’t ask him for this. He fell in love with my confidence. We have a really healthy sex life and have plenty of sex but lately, I could only get off with the idea of him spanking me. How can I be so in charge at work but then be the exact opposite in my sex life? I used to think it was just a harmless fantasy but now I’m wondering if there is really something wrong with me. Am I normal?
LEAH: Dear listener, I think you would be surprised how often I hear variations of this question. I’m an independent, powerful, self-actualized woman but when I get home all I want is for my partner to take control and dominate me.
Yes, you are completely normal. You, dear listener, are not alone. Not by a long shot. In fact, it’s such a common desire that it’s a staple of porn and erotica but you might not recognize it because the genders are usually reversed. The powerful business man visits a dominatrix to be thoroughly used and humiliated before he gears up for another day in the office ready to be in charge once again.
Now I’m not a scientist or a psychologist so here’s my layman’s understanding of what’s happening. Our brains are wired to release endorphins when something’s pleasurable. Some people’s brains experience being spanked or dominated as pleasurable and therefore rerelease endorphins in response. There are a lot of ideas and explanations for why this particular fantasy and activity hold such power. And it’s probably different for every person.
Here are a couple of common ones. If you’re fantasy is primarily focused on letting someone else be in charge by putting you over their knee and spanking you, your body and brain may be seeking a letdown from the experience of constantly being the one in control. When you are a highly capable person who is in charge and juggles a lot of things, it can be a relief to put everything down and just let someone else be in charge. It can feel delightful to give up all the responsibility for thinking and acting and just feel, for someone else to take the reins so that you can relax into receiving.
If you’re fantasy is primarily focused on the sensation of being spanked, your body and brain may be wired to experience intense sensation as pleasurable. To be clear, this does not mean that you are walking down the street hoping some random person will grab you and spank you. For some reason, that seems to be a pervasive mythology. You would probably experience that random grabbing and hitting as assault and violation just like someone else who doesn’t have this particular kink. But within a safe and consensual and with the proper warm up, your brain turns sensation that might otherwise be unwelcome into pleasure.
If you’re fantasy is really focused on the bad girl, dirty talk while you’re being spanked, your body and brain may be wired to experience a certain amount of degradation, humiliation, or objectification as erotic. This is a tendency on the masochistic spectrum. I use that word really guardedly because I know it can come with a lot of baggage.
People may hear masochism and shy away from applying it to themselves because they think it means getting bullwhipped or other much more extreme activities. But masochism just like everything else in sexuality includes a broad spectrum of activities. Things you might think of as just rough sex or even playful, things like tickling or biting can be included depending on the context.
Now, I’ve given you three examples and any one of them might be true and multiple of them might be true at the same time. The next question then is how do you bring this fantasy up with your partner? I’ve got a free download on my website that will lead you through the process including scripts you can use to bring it up. It’s called How to Propose A New Sexual Adventure To Your Lover and you can get it at leahcarey.com/newadventure and that link is in the Show Notes. I’m really excited for you and I hope you’ll get back in touch to let us know how it goes.
Do you have a question about your sex life or your desires? Call and leave a message at 720-GOOD-SEX. That’s 720-GOOD-SEX. I’d love to answer it in an upcoming episode.
LEAH: This week, I’m happy to introduce you to Dani and Dameca of Biracial Unicorns. I found them through their episode titled Let’s Talk About Sexualization, where they talk about the sexualization and objectification experienced by most women in this culture. Then, they focus on the increased intensity, experienced by women of color including why the word “exotic” is so challenging. Here’s a clip from that episode.
PODCAST CLIP: There’s sexualization of women and then there’s sexualization of women of color which I think happens in a much different way than just generally. So if we’re looking at all women, their behaviors within societies like being hollered at. Something that we didn’t talk about was like in advertising, women are used in advertising in sexual ways almost always. And so we talk about often sex sells or whatever but what we really mean is the sexualization of women sells. Not that men don’t get sexualized but they definitely don’t get sexualized at the rates that women do. So that’s in general but I think you’re right in talking about the specific historical instance of a woman of color being sexualized so openly and so blatantly. That’s what happened so often for all women of color, right? Because our bodies are shaped differently and so curvy in a sexy regardless of what you do with it. You’re not trying to be sexy but all of a sudden that’s just seen as sexy. People who are mixed race, we have to occupy a weird space in between that, right?
I think you’re completely right. We even talked about it before of just this idea of you get to kind of have it all a little bit of that allure of someone who is different or I know our favorite word “exotic” but even just how you think about predominantly black women and Latino women, we look at shape. And we look at scientifically, we’re going to be drawn to fuller lips, rounder bottoms, and of course we look at more European shape, it looks a little bit different so to me, I’m wondering if it’s even just a physicality attraction that is something physiologically or maybe it’s just because a contrast. It’s just different. When you look more towards Asian cultures, they’re not known specifically for being curvy and they’re incredibly sexualized but I think they are because they tend to seem and appear a bit younger and for that, I think that is a door I’m even afraid to open.
LEAH: That is the show Biracial Unicorns. You can find them on Facebook and Instagram at Biracial Unicorns and on Twitter at Biracial Magic. And all of those links will be on the Show Notes.
That’s it for today. If you’re enjoying the show, please take a moment to leave a 5-star rating and review on Apple podcasts or, if you’re using another podcast app, go to www.ratethispodcast.com/goodgirls.
And remember there is a treasure trove of audio extras available FOR FREE at Patreon. Go to www.patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex. While listening to those extras is free, producing this show is not. If my work is meaningful to you and you have a few dollars to support it each month, I’ll gratefully accept your patronage at Patreon. I donate 10% of all Patreon proceeds to ARC-Southeast, an organization that supports women in the Southeast United States to access reproductive services that are increasingly difficult to obtain.
Find out more and become a community member at www.patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex.
Show notes and transcripts for this episode are at www.GoodGirlsTalk.com.
Follow me on Instagram, Twitter, and YouTube at GoodGirlsTalk for more sex-positive content.
If you have questions or comments about anything you’ve heard on the show, call and leave a message at 720-GOOD-SEX.
Good Girls Talk About Sex is produced by me, Leah Carey, and edited by Gretchen Kilby.
I have additional administrative support from Lara O’Connor and Maria Franco.
Transcripts are produced by Jan Acielo.
Before we go, I want to remind you that the things you may have heard about your sexuality aren’t true. You are worthy. You are desirable. You are not broken.
As your Sex and Intimacy coach, I will guide you in embracing the sexuality that is innately yours, no matter what it looks like. To set up your free Discovery Call, go to www.leahcarey.com/coaching.
Until next time, here’s to your better sex life!
All archived Good Girls Talk About Sex audio extras are now available for FREE! They can be accessed at www.patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex.
I’ve done this because not everyone has the means to pay for access, and I know this additional material can be deeply important for some listeners. But creating this show isn’t free, so if you’d like to support the work I do, I am grateful for your contributions at www.patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex.
I donate 10% of all Patreon proceeds to ARC Southeast
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Have a question or comment – Leave a voicemail for Leah at 720-GOOD-SEX (720-466-3739) – this is a voicemail-only line, so I promise you won’t have to talk to someone in person!
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