Dive Deeper with Leah Carey
I have been through the fire and come out the other side. Now I’m here to walk with you as you do the same.
I will help you take a stand for yourself, your desires, and YOUR PLEASURE.
What do you call a virgin who loves getting head? A comedian!
Kyndra Crump takes a deep dive into heteroflexibility and gets some re-education about why losing your virginity doesn’t have to hurt—especially if you already like the rest of the stuff. She also learns about swingers-club protocols when she opens up about her exhibitionist desires.
Kyndra is a 25-year-old cisgender woman. She describes herself as Black, monogamous with a curiosity about polyamory, single, and heteroflexible (she says she’s about 70% into men and 30% into women). She grew up in an evangelical Christian home and she describes her body as an hourglass or a Coke bottle.
You can find Kyndra here:
Instagram – https://www.instagram.com/thekyndracrumpshow/
YouTube – https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCcfWwPo89i3frdSOsTV-jUQ
Podcast – https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-kyndra-crump-show/id1474471923
LEAH: Welcome to Good Girls Talk About Sex. I am sex educator and sexual communication coach, Leah Carey, and this is a place to share conversations with all sorts of women about their experience of sexuality. These are unfiltered conversations between adult women talking about sex. If anything about the previous sentence offends you, turn back now! And if you’re looking for a trigger warning, you’re not going to get it from me. I believe that you are stronger than the trauma you have experienced. I have faith in your ability to deal with things that upset you. Sound good? Let’s start the show!
LEAH: Hey, friends. I like to think of myself as pretty interesting and occasionally amusing, but I have got nothing on today’s guest, Kyndra Crump. She’s a standup comedian and she had me on my toes through our whole conversation.
Kyndra is a 25-year-old cisgender woman. She describes herself as black, monogamous with a curiosity about polyamory, single, and heteroflexible. She says she’s about 70% into men and 30% into women. She grew up in an evangelical Christian home and she describes her body as an hourglass or a Coke bottle. You can find her on Instagram @thekyndracrumpshow and that link is in the Show Notes. There, you’ll find links to her podcast, her YouTube channel and her book. I’m so pleased to introduce Kyndra!
Kyndra, I am so excited to talk with you. You were referred to me by another podcaster who just had you on who was so excited about your conversation. So, I’m thrilled to have the opportunity to talk with you. Thanks for doing this.
KYNDRA: No, thank you for reaching out and we made it happen. I’m here. Beautiful!
LEAH: So, Kyndra, I start every interview in the same place with the same question. What is your favorite memory of sexual pleasure?
KYNDRA: My favorite memory was realizing I could make myself cum. I thought for so long, and I think I was maybe 21 at the time, when I realized because I’m like, I never knew it. I wasn’t ever into when it came with masturbation. I used to try different things like rub my cooter across the carpet or something, getting carpet burn. It was bad, trying different things.
KYNDRA: Honey, so it was bad. Started a fire down there and I already have fur too. Back to the story, but yes, it was the very first time. I was like, oh my goodness, I could do it. But then, I realized because I was so used to other people doing it, it just took so long. And I’m like, why does this take so long? And I understood like your own touch is not going to feel as great and gratifying as someone else’s touch. So, that’s the best one.
LEAH: Awesome. What’s so funny is that those words came out of my mouth and I realized I had said the wrong word, but I love what I just asked you and your answer. My actual first question is what is your first memory, not your favorite memory?
LEAH: What’s your first memory of sexual pleasure?
KYNDRA: Yeah. I think probably I was maybe in middle school. I stumbled upon porn when I was in elementary school from my dad’s. It was one of those pop-ups because my dad was a weekend dad. So, I’m pretty sure, hey, he did his thing and stuff like that. And I think as time progressed, I was in seventh grade, I just remembered feeling this wetness in my pants. I didn’t know what it was. I was watching my little flicks or whatever. That was the first.
LEAH: Yeah. So, it sounds like you were staying at his house and got in front of his computer. Is that what you mean?
KYNDRA: Yeah. So, my parents divorced or pretty much were separated. I was 5, 6 years old. And my dad lived across town. And so, he would come get us, like I said, Friday through Sunday. And just one day, I guess it was a Saturday afternoon, I just clicked on it. I’m like, “Are those boobs?”
KYNDRA: I don’t know. I didn’t know the term for it, but they were just these big old jugs and I started looking at my little nonexistent boobs. I’m like, I want boobs and stuff like that. Now, I got a lot.
KYNDRA: And I just remember she was doing like a cartwheel on the beach and I’m like, I want to go to that same beach. I remember, also around that time period, I used to get my Barbie dolls and just rip their clothes as soon as they got off the box. And my mother was like, “You freak. Freak!” And it made me feel bad for just being who I am. We’re all sexual beings, but that’s what I will say.
LEAH: Yeah. When you pulled the clothes off your Barbie dolls, was there a particular goal with that? Did you want to switch their clothes? Did you like seeing the naked forms? What was your reason for pulling the clothes off?
KYNDRA: You know what? I tried to even pull the pants that were already sewn on. I was trying to rip everything.
KYNDRA: I think it was just my curiosity with nudity, not thinking anything was wrong with it, thinking in the whole church before they ate the forbidden fruit, they were naked. So, I’m like, why can’t we be naked? What is the whole issue with that? What’s wrong with that? But, of course, you’re taught, don’t ask too many questions and all that type of stuff when it comes to religion. But what I liked to do, I used to sit my Barbie, I never had Ken. I don’t know. Ken never came in the box.
KYNDRA: It was always just Barbie and Stacie and Kelly. It was just, like I said, put Barbie on top of Barbie bare naked. That’s what I would do.
KYNDRA: But you know what’s crazy? For whatever reason, Stacie and Kelly, I never did rip their clothes off, but I always will rip Barbie’s clothes off. And I never really did get Stacie and Kelly until Christmas time. But I already had in my mind, okay, Barbie’s an adult. So, I guess they do adult things. This is already somehow programmed in my mind and stuff like that.
LEAH: Yeah. And did you get to have black Barbies or did you get all white Barbies?
KYNDRA: You know what? That’s the thing. By the time black Barbies came in, I was like in freaking high school. I’m like, what’s this bull crap? I want the afro.
KYNDRA: So, no. It was white barbies. Actually, that was when going back to the very first flick that I remember seeing the woman who was doing the cartwheel naked in the beach, she was white. I had never did stumble into the ebony section until years because my momma had caught me with pron. She beat the porn out of me. I literally could not watch it until a decade later.
KYNDRA: Story time, I’m going to tell you a quick story. So, this is how it happened. My dad, going to his house every weekend. Mind you, I think I would pull up some stuff. I don’t even know how I got to the websites or whatever. I don’t remember exactly what I would put in Google, but somehow just get there.
So, when I would go back to my mom, I remember every day, I would just watch it. And then, I would just click off and I’d go because I was a tomboy growing up. So, I would click off and I would go outside. This particular day, I forgot that it was on. And so, I just went outside. And my mother calls me and she has her hand behind her back.
And she says, “Tell your friends you’ll talk to them later.” And I’m like, “What?” She’s like, “You heard me. Tell them you’ll talk to them later.” I said, “Guys, I’ll play with you all tomorrow or something.” And she says, “Come inside.” I said, “What’s going on?” She’s like, “Are you gay?” And I’m like, “What?” I said, “No, why are you asking that?” “Then why are there naked women on my screen?”
KYNDRA: So, I tried to blame it on my brother who’s three and half years younger than me because I’m like, “Come on. Let’s keep it real. 9-year-olds can watch it too.” But she didn’t want to fall for that. She just knew that it had my name all over it. So, I’m making up more excuses. I say, “Yeah, I’m not gay, but I was watching it.” Then, she said, “I’m going to beat you tonight.”
So, typically my mom was always on time with weapons, but she delayed. I’m like, “She ain’t going to do it.” Three days later, we went to church. And they were talking about that in church. And she said, “Yeah, I’m going to beat you tonight.” I’m like, “Yeah, right, lady.”
So, I go to bed. It’s like 7 o’clock at night, turned off the lights. I heard a loud boom going up the steps and she buzzed open my door. And she flips the lights on and she says, “Wake up. You ain’t asleep.” And then, she says, “Get downstairs.” I’m like, “Oh gosh.” When I tell you, that was the worst weapon of my life.
It was to the point where I literally did not watch it probably nine years later and stuff like that. And that was, like I said, the very first time I remember realizing that I could actually make my own self cum and stuff like that. And before that, some other people tried to show me little clips in school and stuff like that. Some were in camp, but I just got grossed out because when it came to penetration. I’ll let everyone in on a little secret. My throat is not a virgin, but my cat is. Okay.
KYNDRA: But when it came to penetration, the way that the guys would just ram it in, I would just jump back. And the women are like, “This feels great. I love it.” I’m like, bro, it looks like it hurts. And so, like I said, I kept I guess psyching somewhere out in my mind like I don’t want to do that because it looks like it hurts. And, of course, when people talk about when it comes to losing your virginity anyway, it does hurt and it could five, six, seven different times for you to finally feel good, for you to finally like it. I’m like, bro, I don’t have time for that.
KYNDRA: So, like I said, why can’t it just be great the first time? But like I said, that was pretty much where it was. And I think for me, I went from never really caring to watching the entire penetration or anything, just watching people give head. And it was just always a man giving a woman head or a woman giving a woman head. That’s pretty much what it was.
LEAH: There’s so much here.
KYNDRA: I know. I just let it all out.
LEAH: This is awesome. I think I want to just put a pin in this for a second to say, do you still believe that the first time will hurt at whatever point you have it?
KYNDRA: I do believe that. And I don’t want to be intoxicated. I want to be sober. I want to make sure, okay, I’m getting the enjoy everything. And then, you know what it was as well? I used to sit here and think that, okay, if I abstained myself until marriage that God is going to bless the union and it won’t hurt. And I had to start talking to more spiritual people than religious people and they let me know, “Hey, it doesn’t matter if you are waiting until marriage or not. It’s still going to hurt.”
LEAH: So, I’m going to break in here for a second and do a little bit of education, if you don’t mind.
KYNDRA: Go ahead. Let’s do it.
LEAH: Your first time does not need to hurt. Often the first time hurts because the woman is not fully lubricated. And like what you’re seeing in porn, the reason that that looks like it would fucking hurt is because if a man pounded you the way that they pound women in porn, that shit would hurt if you didn’t have any lubrication.
They don’t tend to show a lot of touching and caressing and the foreplay that turns women on and helps them to lubricate. And so, if the guy just goes straight in for banging, that shit’s going to hurt for most of us. There are some people who really love it, but especially if we’re talking about your first time, no. Don’t do that.
The reason that so many people in the church believe that your first time is going to be so painful is because you’re told to wait until your wedding day or your wedding night. And you don’t have the experience of learning how to get lubricated because you haven’t gone through that process of exploring each other’s bodies and all of that.
Although, I actually did an interview with somebody just a few weeks ago who was telling me that she and her husband were waiting until marriage. They had done everything except penile penetration. And on the wedding night, they were so excited for that that they just went straight to it. And they just let go of all the other foreplay kind of stuff and it hurt because they had skipped all of the stuff that would get her lubricated. And so, that is the reason why so many people believe it hurts because they’re not really turned on. If you’re fully turned on, there may be some discomfort because you’re experiencing something new and that’s just our bodies and our brains do not love change.
LEAH: But the pain that you hear people talk about, that absolutely does not need to be a part of your first experience with penetration.
KYNDRA: Okay. Thank you for educating me. Check back with me in about 10 or 15 years to see if a lucky guy has come by. Just check back maybe in 10 or 15 years.
LEAH: Yeah, okay.
LEAH: I’m also curious. Is the reason that you haven’t had vaginal penetration because you’re not interested in it? Because that’s also totally normal.
KYNDRA: No. Okay, so I’m going to tell you the reason why. Okay, I did a little random polling question with several people and I had asked them. I said, “What’s more sacred to you, oral or vaginal sex?” A lot of people said oral. I disagree and I say vaginal because I do believe in soul ties in a way.
I personally believe in soul ties. And my belief, you’re intertwining souls and spirits/ And I understand you can still get STD in your throat and stuff like that, but it’s like for me, I don’t want no condom. I want you to cum inside like, hey, we might get pregnant the first time and stuff like that. That’s how I’m set up. I don’t know. I’m not all the way completely there in my mind.
And then, on top of that, a lot of guys I’ve come across once you reach a certain age, they don’t care to take a woman’s virginity. Their main goal is just to get there and then go. They’re not interested in trying to do the process and the steps and wine and dine and everything else like that. So, as I’m getting older, I’ve really been at the child-bearing age. And so, there are times where I will just either have dreams or I’m just like feeding on men. I’m wanting it and I’m like wait, “Kyndra doll. No, we’re not.”
KYNDRA: And then, on top of that, a lot of guys don’t really last with me anyway for me to want to do something with them. And so, that’s pretty much it with that. But no, like I said, for me personally, I will definitely want to. I definitely would love to experience that, but I want it to be special in a sense, especially with that first time being. Because the very first time I remember receiving head, it was not special. It was in the backseat of this old car directly across the street from my mom’s house at 12:30 at night.
KYNDRA: Terrible. It was not special. I was tensed up and I want the ambiance to be there and everything else like that. And I honestly also believe there is no such thing as the right guy. People still have their flaws. Trying to get the whole knight in shining armor guy and stuff like that, that’s a dime a dozen. You’re going to be waiting forever for that. Just find someone who connects and completes with you, what you like and everything. I definitely would like to, but because I’m just not interested, I’m like, “Hey, man. Just give me some head and I’ll go on about my day.”
LEAH: Yeah. I think that that’s perfectly valid. You have some strong feelings about what you want and you’re prioritizing that and I think that’s awesome. What I hope that you will not do is what I did.
LEAH: I didn’t have sex for the first time until I was 25. And I chose somebody because by that point, I was like, “I must be the world’s oldest living virgin.”
LEAH: And I just want to get this over with. And so, I chose someone who did not turn me on, who I was not particularly excited about being with. And that shit fucking hurt because I wasn’t turned on. And so, then, I created this whole thing in my head about how I’m bad at sex and I’m never going to like it and all of that and I had a lot of years of undoing. So, I hope that given that you are waiting until you find someone special, that you really wait until you find somebody not only who turns your brain on, but who turns your body on too.
KYNDRA: Yes. Because I’m going to say I feel sexual as well. I love to talk. I like having in-depth conversations like teaching me something new everything else like that. And a lot of guys just because they’re not interested in that, they just come and go. After a few audio messages talking to them, they’ll just be like, “Okay, she’s not into what I’m into. Let me go.” And I’m like, “Okay. I will.” Stuff like that, so yes, and I’m not rushing it. It will come when it comes. Let me focus. I have other stuff that I really want to focus on that I feel like are more important than just going to do that.
LEAH: Yeah. When you’re dating, I assume you’re on the apps, are you looking at guys who are your age or are you looking at guys who are a little bit older than you?
KYNDRA: Definitely my age, but I must need to start wearing some weave or lashes so I can start getting guys my age.
KYNDRA: Because for whatever reason and I had to get off those, Tinder and Hinge, and I don’t even know. I can’t really care for that. I’m an old soul. My parents had me in their 40s close to 50s, so I got old ass parents.
KYNDRA: And so, I’m an old soul where I like to have organic meetings, if we meet each other in person, and then we start talking, and then we exchange numbers. Social media’s cool. I only use social media so I can get my voice out there, my comedy career and everything else like that. But I meet someone online, that’s cool.
But at the same exact time, I don’t really care for it because this is the issue that I keep coming across. Okay, a lot of guys I come across who are “interested” are copying and pasting the same message to a lot of different women or men. Some of them won’t even come of the closet. Brother, you are 40 years old. It’s okay to let people know you like sausage, okay? It’s okay.
KYNDRA: But they’re copying and pasting the message. Here’s a common follow-up line. So, are you actually ready for a relationship knowing that they’re not ready for a relationship? And then, it’s like certain things I pick out, need out as well. They’ll start talking to me, and then they’ll stop talking to me. And then, they’ll come back months later, “Hey, beautiful. How’s it going?” “Bro, I’m cool.” Or, “Hey, how tall are you?” “Why does that matter?” “I don’t like shorter women. So, you’re shallow is what you’re telling me.
So, literally, this is where a lot of people make mistakes. A person can be everything that they want. They might just have a height thing. “I don’t want to talk to you because you’re two inches shorter than me.” “What? Okay, got you.” Or it could be after two messages, “What’s your number?” “Why do you need to know my number? We have the app. You could call me through Facebook Messenger.” Or what happens is I get a lot of guys, I live in Georgia, who like to just try to get me to be their African queen in Nigeria or Jamaica or they live in Oregon. I don’t do out of state relationships.
This is the consistent thing, but no, I want someone my age. But the problem with the guys in my age group or it’s just a lot of guys, period, they don’t have their priorities together. Do you know how many men have had asked me, here’s another question that I get a lot from a lot of guys, “Do you drive?” You’re basically saying, “I don’t have a car. Can you come and get me?” That is what that is in telling. And like I said, to me, I have an issue about that. “Why should I come pick you up?” “People like each other. We both like each other, then you’re going to want to do that.” “Bro, I don’t even like you. This is the first time meeting. I don’t know you well enough to say I like you.”
KYNDRA: So, like I said, honestly it’s things like that is the issue. “Where can I get some money? Send me a pic.” “You don’t know what I look like? Y’all know what I look like. What do you need a picture for?” I didn’t realize how horrible, I don’t know how you would call this, I don’t know if it’s being bitter, but I didn’t realize how antagonizing I could be until men started sliding in my DM and it could be because I have dad issues as well and mom issues and stuff like that. But it could be that, and also, because, like I said, in this day and age, this era of people who try to holler at me. My generation, us 90s and 2000s babies, is crap. Social media has taken over. I feel like we’re in the same age group and stuff like that.
LEAH: That’s very kind of you. No, we’re not at all. I’m 47.
KYNDRA: Almost at the AARP age. Whoo-hoo! So, you know what? Okay, good. I was going to say this. So, when you were growing up, you didn’t have social media. You could’ve gotten to a street fight. Nobody was going to call the police on you. When did they start doing that?
LEAH: We didn’t even have the internet.
KYNDRA: Exactly. When did they start calling the police on you for pimp slapping someone who deserved it? So, it’s like dating was you could be who you were. Hoe is life. Nobody was recording your endeavors. Bro, you know how much I really want to sit here and really be out there, be out there? But I really cannot because, “Did you see Kyndra at Trap?” We have out here in Georgia in Atlanta, we got a sex club called Trapeze. “So, did you see Kyndra there?” Bro, no. No, no, no.
That’s the type of stuff, like I said, it to me was I really wish I was born in the 70s because I know for a fact, I would have lost my virginity already and not regret it probably. I would have been married, probably still married, have children. It’s like now you’re trying to raise your kids and you know the stuff that’s going out there in the world with the wars and stuff like that, it’s crazy.
So, to me, it really sucks and I honestly am just going to keep it all the way real with you, I always automatically think, okay, when this guy sends a hey emoji or whatever else it may be in my DM, I automatically think he’s not going to last more than a day because typically, that’s what it is. It’s just like a revolving door.
LEAH: I want to invite you to imagine for a moment what your ideal sex life looks like and feels like. Who are you with? What type of sex do you have together? How do you feel while touching them? And how does your body feel when they touch you? Or maybe you’d like to be having less sex than you’re currently having. If you don’t know or if that vision of your ideal doesn’t look at all like what’s currently going on in your bedroom, I can help.
With personalized sex and intimacy coaching, we’ll explore where you are, how you got here, where you want to be, and the steps to help you get there. There are no right or wrong answers, just the answers that work for you. I understand that exploring your sexuality and all that goes with it, your body image, your belief in love ability and more can be terrifying. Believe me. I sat in the middle of that fire for decades. I know how painful it is. But I also stepped out the other side stronger, more confident, and more certain of my lovability and desirability and I want the same for you.
I work with couples and one-on-one, whether you’ve never explored your sexual desires before or you want to explore things you’ve never done before like maybe BDSM or non-monogamy or if you and your partner need some help figuring out how to communicate together so you can have better sex. I’m queer, kinky, and poly-friendly ad I want you to have a deeply fulfilling intimate life. Together, we can help you get there.
For more information and to schedule your free discovery call, visit www.leahcarey.com/coaching. A new client recently said that before her discovery call, she was extremely nervous but that I made the experience feel easy and comfortable. So, book your free discovery call today at www.leahcarey.com/coaching.
LEAH: Did you ever see your parents naked? Like you said that you were very interested and curious about nudity. Where were you encountering nudity in your life as a child?
KYNDRA: Never did see my parents naked. Nobody ever walked around naked in front of me, which is why and just keeping it all the way real, a lot of people will tell, “My parents to this day still walk around naked in front of me as adults.” I’m like, “They do?” And they think something’s wrong with me because I think something’s wrong with them and stuff like that.
KYNDRA: But no, where did it come from? I’m not sure. I really do not know where it came from, but being called a freak by my mom negatively made me feel like suppress my feelings for who I am.
LEAH: Sure, absolutely. You also mentioned that you grew up in the church and that it was an evangelical church. What were you hearing at church? What messages were you hearing about sex and sexuality and being female in general?
KYNDRA: Homosexuality would send you to hell. That’s not true. Let’s find the scripture. I know the Bible back and forth.
KYNDRA: Sex is bad. You wait until you’re married. Don’t do it. That’s it. That’s what I’m hearing.
LEAH: So, I’ve talked to other people who grew up in the Christian church. And often, they say that there was this message that sex is completely sinful until the moment that you get married at which point you’re supposed to suddenly how to do everything?
KYNDRA: I see what you’re saying. I feel like I’ve heard that before. Maybe a couple times, but it wasn’t as drilled into my head like wait until marriage and don’t do sex and that’s about it. I think they also said that’s bad as well, I think I heard that a couple of times.
LEAH: Masturbation is bad?
KYNDRA: Yeah. That’s bad. Lusting after someone, like whatever you already have in your heart, you’ve already committed that sin, so you can’t lust after nobody.
LEAH: Piece of shit.
LEAH: In some churches, the idea continues that sex is bad unless it’s for procreation.
KYNDRA: That’s miserable. I’m telling you. That’s why I had to leave the church and really figure out who God was for myself and formulate my own relationship with Him. And I had to learn there are people out here. I’ll give you a prime example. I was previously working for a doctor who they had the arranged, African doctor, arranged marriages, and I felt on her she’s not happy at all. But it was arranged marriage.
And I’m pretty much sure that she just pretty much had to lie there taking it and couldn’t have fun. Sex is not supposed to be this thing where it’s horrible and you can’t have fun. What’s wrong with a female pastor wearing lingerie or like a Victoria’s Secret drawers or whatever? What’s wrong with that? There’s nothing wrong with me wearing that, a thong.
I remember the very first time my mother realized I had a thong. And she was like, “Oh my goodness,” all this hype. You know what’s crazy? I was 18. I got my belly pierced and my mom, my brother had snitched on me and she said, “Kyndra, you having sex?” I’m like, “Just because I got a belly ring?”
KYNDRA: You know what’s crazy? I remember my former pastor had said, “What you’re willing to show, you’re willing to share.” And I do see somewhat in a way, agree with that. In a way, the reason I said is that you look on social media a lot of women who are half naked, they’re using their body to try to get a certain type of crowd or so sometimes. Or you could just be free and just want to be like, “Hey, nice body.” So, it could be one of the two. But again, if I want to wear a crop top, I just want to wear it.
But I will say this, the more I’ve shown, here’s come a slew of guys. When I look like a Muslim, nobody, I’m like, okay, great. So, like I said, to me, that statement and again, they’re not explaining that. Like I said, I’ve met women who really do like showing a lot because they do want to get a certain caliber of men and get their bills paid and stuff. And then, you have some women, “Hey, whatever, I’m just feeling myself. Let me go ahead and show it off and stuff like that.” Again, if you’re not explaining this, then you’re making the same it all fits in one category like the people who show off their body are just these whores and stuff like that. It’s crazy.
LEAH: Yeah, especially because I think it’s so important to call this out in this conversation that just because you show something does not mean that you have given consent for that part of your body or any part of your body to be touched.
KYNDRA: No, that’s true. And I hate that as well, which it makes us as women want to have to cover up in a sense because nobody wants to be catcalled. And this is something, a mother’s or parents’ or whoever is your guardian, I feel that they should be able to teach young men this like, “Hey, listen. I know you’re going through a hormone stage or you will be in a couple years, but keep your hands to yourself. She is not giving you consent just because she comes to your house and is in the living room with a crowd full of people.” It doesn’t mean that she said, “Okay, so what’s up?”
Why you all the way over there? Can I come to a guy’s house without feeling like I’m just going to get my clothes ripped off or whatever? Can I have that please? And I have hung around with a lot of men. Out of 100% of men who have self-control, it’s only like maybe 20% who actually have self-control. That, to me, says a lot. And I literally could be wearing, like I said, fully clothed and they will still say something and I’m like, “What the hell’s wrong with you? Bro, you’re horny. You need help.”
KYNDRA: It makes me think to myself, did they print a picture of my face? Is it printed off from the online web and then you just have it posted up and you’re just jacking off to it? “Yeah, I’m going to get Kyndra. And when she comes over here, it’s going to happen.”
LEAH: When your mother whipped you, she whipped the porn right out of you, do you think that her primary concern was that she thought you might be gay or that she thought you might be interested in sex?
KYNDRA: I think it was more so gay. This was a long-standing subject for years. And then, my mom, she was born in the early 50s. During that time period, stuff that is more popular and prevalent now definitely didn’t fly back then.
So, if you are a young woman who’s pregnant, you got to night school. We don’t have night school anymore. You waited until you was in your 30s or 40s out of your parents’ house to announce, “Hey, I’m gay.” Not being 10 years old, everything’s definitely different.
You know what’s crazy is she had told me that when I was her in womb, she prayed heavenly over the homosexuality spirit to make sure it didn’t come on to me. And I’m like, lady, out of everything you pray for, that was the most important? That type of stuff to me is ridiculous and I think honestly, I felt like there was some type of homophobia. I felt like maybe she was definitely gay and she’s like, “No, I’m not.”
We just couldn’t grow up in that. It just was not the thing. It was like pretty much the blind leading the blind. I think that came from her going to whatever church she went to. And I remember it just got worse as time progressed. I had a best friend online who actually was gay. I remember I told my mom because I want to go to his house. At the time, we had lived across town and the church I was going to was on the south side of the town. There was a music video being shot the next day.
And I had this idea and I said, hey, instead of my mom waking up at the crack of dawn to do my hair and everything, why doesn’t she just drop me off tonight at his house, and then come back and pick me up tomorrow night? I feel like that’s simple. And I let her know, “Hey, I know he’s a man, but he’s gay. We’re brother and sister. Nothing will happen.”
First, she was okay with it. And I remember a few days ago. I remember going to my mom because I used to sit here and think that she was a person that can cast out demons and stuff like that, yes, isn’t that what priests do? I think that’s what the priest does or something.
LEAH: I think so, yeah.
KYNDRA: So, I went to her and this was around the first time I actually started, I was 14, I had a dream that I had kissed a girl. I was spooked because, like I said, we’re taught in my household you could only be straight, but don’t lust after no boys. You can’t have no boyfriend, but you better be straight type of stuff.
With that being said, I remember a couple years after that, I had told my mother. I said, “Hey, mom. I like men, but I’m starting to have feelings for women,” because I literally felt like again, I was just a horrible person instead of realizing, Kyndra, you’re just a sexual being. That’s all you are. You like what you like.
And so, she was very much calm about it and I remember we did this whole ritual. We prayed, and then I was as straight as a line for six months. Six months really, I literally was only focused on men. Any women I walked past, didn’t even look at her, just I was like, “You’re disgusting to me.”
And then, one day, just like it relapsed. We’re going back with my homeboy. What ended up happening with him was the day we were supposed to go, the night before, she says, “Kyndra, I don’t feel comfortable going there you staying the night because of him being gay.”
This is how bad it was. I thought by me revealing his secret that he told me about his sexuality, I thought by me revealing that to her would have made the situation better. But it didn’t. She said, “Kyndra, I understand that you are in this walk of faith and you are a new person. I don’t feel comfortable with you going to his house because he might try to change you back into what you were.” And I said, “What?”
KYNDRA: I was honestly just really appalled at the fact that she really said that. Okay, so moving on forward, couple years after that, I don’t remember exactly what happened. But I do remember I was in my room and it was at night and something had just set her off. My mom would just start having these random bursts of anger coming out at me. I’m pretty sure it was at maybe other kids as well.
And she busted into my room. And I don’t remember all that shit was she said, but the part that I do remember was she says, “You’re going to hell because you’re a homosexual.” And she closed the door like slammed the door back and I just like balled up into a fetal position. To this day, she doesn’t remember that.
That’s why to all of the parents out there, you have to be mindful of what you say to your kids because even if you may not remember it, words have a lasting effect. Be mindful of what you say to people in general. It got to the point where it got worse maybe a year into that. I remember babysitting my other friend’s child for the weekend and she wanted to make sure the kid wasn’t a lesbian lover’s child. I’m like, “What?”
I had a girlfriend. I didn’t know she had liked women. She didn’t tell me until much later on or whatever else it maybe, but one of my girlfriends at the time, I remember I went to her house and just hanging out with her. And I went to go pick my mom from the same school that her mom was working at. They worked at the same school. And she had said she wanted to make sure that the word did not get out that I was hanging out with her daughter. I’m 20, 21 years old because she’s like, “Kyndra, did you have this attraction to women?”
And I’m going to say this, a few years prior, we were good. I don’t know why this whole bringing the subject back up. I never brought it back up again. Maybe she just felt like, okay, what we prayed just didn’t work. Maybe she just felt it, but I never brought it back up. So, I don’t know why she kept bringing it back up. But she said, “Kyndra, don’t let nobody know because I don’t want her to know in case you all had did something at her house.” I’m telling you. And now, where we’re at with it present day is she says that if I was to get married to a woman, she won’t come to the wedding. She still loves me, but she won’t come.
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LEAH: So, before we started recording, you and I had a conversation about what your sexual orientation is and we settled on the term heteroflexible because you said if you put percentages on it, it would be about 70% interested in men and 30% interested in women.
So, I have two questions. One is, have you ever explored with a woman and also do you think that that is influenced by everything you’ve heard from mom? Do you think that without those messages, you might be more interested in women or do you feel like this is who you are and where you’ve settled?
KYNDRA: Most definitely I have. I’ve only had sex with women. I’ve never had done with strap-on. I don’t think I’m ready for that yet. That’s next level one day maybe. I’ve never done the tribbing. Would like to do that, but nobody has made that happen yet.
But yeah, I think the thing about it is, is that I think because she was just so against it and so hard against it, it just made me, like I said, go towards it more. And I was like is there really something really wrong with it and everything else like that? But now it’s like the issue that I’m having is these women like to play games. I’m like, what is your problem? I thought you liked me. You came to me. You haven’t even responded back to my messages no more. What’s wrong with you?
LEAH: Yeah. So, you said you’ve only had sex with women. What have you done with men?
KYNDRA: Just oral sex. I’ve almost been able to deepthroat.
LEAH: Okay. So, to clarify terms then, you’ve had oral sex with men, you’ve had genital contact with women.
KYNDRA: The sex between women and the oral sex as well, isn’t that the same?
LEAH: So, I would say that oral sex is sex with everybody.
LEAH: Which is why I want to clarify terms.
KYNDRA: Explain what you mean with genital with the women.
LEAH: So, you said you haven’t done scissoring.
KYNDRA: I have not. Not yet.
LEAH: So, that would be genital contact with another woman.
KYNDRA: Yeah, I have not done that yet.
LEAH: Okay. You’ve given oral to a woman?
KYNDRA: Yeah. It was my best friend at the time.
LEAH: Okay. Have you given penetration to a woman with fingers, tongues, toys?
KYNDRA: Fingers, no toys. They’ve used a toy on me.
LEAH: Okay. So, you’ve received oral from a woman and you’ve received penetration with a toy from a woman?
KYNDRA: Yes, correct.
LEAH: Okay. So, that’s gone both ways. And then, with a man, you’ve given oral sex? Have you received oral sex from a man?
KYNDRA: Most definitely.
LEAH: Okay. And have you received any type of finger or toy penetration from a man?
KYNDRA: No, just the finger. Never had a guy use a toy.
LEAH: Okay. And was there a difference for you in the experience of giving, receiving oral with a vulva versus with a penis?
KYNDRA: The men, to me, they give better head. That whole women give better head, they’re not as great. Some of them are okay. Others are not as great, but with men, it was better.
LEAH: And you attribute that to their gender as opposed to just their level of experience?
KYNDRA: I think maybe their level of experience. I think gender doesn’t really play a part in that. I think just dependent on how good you are as a person.
LEAH: And what about giving oral? Do you prefer giving oral to a penis or to a vulva?
KYNDRA: Whoever is clean. That’s the thing.
KYNDRA: Yeah. Some of these women smell like McDonald’s pocket change down there. I’m like, “Lady, what is your hygiene like?” And that’s the thing as well. I’m telling you. I look at people’s hygiene, what are you eating, what are you drinking, how well you’re taking care of yourself. Some people, they just aren’t where they’re supposed to be, but I will say this. Even with men, again if his diet is not good, I’m not swallowing his kids. It’s not going in my mouth. Spit it out. Yeah, okay. I’m done. Just blow this shit up like a volcano. All right.
LEAH: When we were first in touch, I had the impression that you were choosing celibacy, but now it sounds like you haven’t had vaginal penetration primarily from a penis. And so, you are thinking of yourself as a virgin, but not necessarily celibate. So, can you clarify terms for me?
KYNDRA: Okay, yeah. Celibacy and abstinence always gets me tricky. I think where I’m at with it now, because I used to be so addicted to head, literally like almost anyone, not everybody, but okay, he’s cute. Okay, whatever. Yeah, sure.
But I think the thing is for me personally, where I’m at with it now is once I fully get to know someone and it could be many, many months go by, I try to have some self-control as well. I’m trying to practice self-control. I think that is important because you just don’t want to get with anyone, somebody on the street, no, not anyone.
So, that’s where I’m at in practicing self-control because I have had instances where I have someone made me cum. And then, I’m like, “Bro, I feel like crap now.” And I don’t like having to feel like that. That’s another reason why.
And then, on top of that, I’m going to say this, something that just came across my mind, I was more interested in doing stuff with the women versus the men because at least I knew for a fact the women didn’t have strap-on waiting for me right outdoors. Men, I’m telling you, I feel like there used to be a time where they would just give you head, and then you can you just go on about your day. They’re like, “Now, we’ve got dick afterwards.” “Sir, no, I don’t want that. I don’t want it, sir, please. Put it back. Zip it.”
KYNDRA: So, like I said, it’s for me. I’m at the place where until I can come across a guy who understands, hey, this is the only thing that I want, as long as I want it, I want to please her. That’s it. And he doesn’t really care, “Hey, Kyndra, I don’t really care if you give me head.”
LEAH: I think what you really want is somebody who will respect your consent.
KYNDRA: That’s who, yes. For as long as I want to, they’re like, “I can do that.” And then, week later, “So, what’s up? Bro, what are you doing?”
LEAH: Yeah. That’s not what consent is. Consent is, “This is what I’m saying yes to, and so this is what we’re going to do. And there may be another time when I choose to give consent first and say yes to something else, but that’s not tonight. And if I have said no to something, you don’t get to come back and keep asking me for it. I will tell you when my mind has changed.” That’s what consent is.
KYNDRA: No, of course. And that’s why I said I’m just going to be chilling. I just don’t have time for it. My tolerance is just low like, yeah, I’m cool. I have one dude who told me, “I got to get naked in order to give you head.” Bro, what? What? Tell me why I fell for that crap.
KYNDRA: And the head was not even good. You know what? I’m like, “Bro, an hour later, you’re still down there. Bro, I could have recorded a podcast. Just saying.”
LEAH: And now, it’s time for the lowdown, the things we’re dying to know, but would usually be too polite to ask any good girl.
LEAH: Are you open to having sex during your period?
LEAH: What’s the approximate number of people who you’ve had some type of sexual interaction with and that would be oral sex or other genital contact?
KYNDRA: In one day or just over time?
LEAH: Over time.
KYNDRA: I’m going to say 80.
LEAH: And in one day?
KYNDRA: No, no, no.
LEAH: I know, but you asked that question, so I want to know.
KYNDRA: In one day, two people. But over the course of time, it’s like 80, but I do really want to get two people to give me head at the same time. I’m waiting for it.
LEAH: All right. So, there’s a threesome in your future.
KYNDRA: Yes. You know what’s crazy though? I have had those before twice, but they nobody ever thought, “Let’s try it.” I didn’t even know that that was possible until a few years ago. I’m like, bro, I’m missing out.
LEAH: How old were you the first time that you had a sexual interaction with somebody?
LEAH: Okay. How old were you when you began masturbating?
KYNDRA: Probably about 18, 19.
LEAH: So, you were watching porn for all those years, but you weren’t touching yourself?
KYNDRA: No, yeah. I started when, like I said, I was 7 years old. I didn’t really start touching myself until I was leaving high school.
LEAH: Okay. Have you ever had sexual contact with someone with a different racial identity than your own?
KYNDRA: I would love to. Send somebody over, please.
LEAH: All right. Do you have a favorite sex toy?
KYNDRA: I never used one because my hands are free.
LEAH: Okay, all right. Are you generally more active or more passive during sexual contact?
LEAH: Do you prefer to initiate or for the other person to initiate?
KYNDRA: Definitely me initiating.
LEAH: Okay. Do you enjoy having your breasts played with?
KYNDRA: Okay, no. Because I have nipple rings and stuff like that. Even though they’re healed, I just like it if you just hold them, hold my breasts versus just nipple play like my nipples, I’m getting turned off right now.
LEAH: Yeah, okay. Do you think it’s generally easy or challenging for you to orgasm?
KYNDRA: I’ve never orgasmed. Because I know the big O is where everything you feel. It just slowly came. I’ve never orgasmed.
LEAH: So, describe to me what you think the difference is.
KYNDRA: I think the difference is when you just feel it from your very top of your head like to the soles of your feet. You feel everything rushing out of you. Cumming is just like, okay, you just came and it’s just some liquid watery feeling. It’s like it feels great, but I feel like the orgasm is your whole body is just rejuvenated again.
LEAH: So, I think what you’re describing is an orgasm.
LEAH: And there may be different experiences of orgasm that you want to have or will have at some point. But what you’re describing does sound like an orgasm.
KYNDRA: Okay. I’m not educated correctly. I should have came to you a long time ago.
LEAH: Yeah. I think there’s this idea that an orgasm has to be this magical transcendent experience. And as a friend of mine once said, “Sometimes, it’s champagne, but most days, it’s beer.”
KYNDRA: I like that.
LEAH: Yeah. Do you prefer the orgasm from touching yourself or being touched by somebody else?
KYNDRA: Touched by somebody else.
LEAH: What’s your favorite thing to do to another person while you’re playing sexually?
KYNDRA: Favorite thing, looking up at them. The eye contact like, “Yes, I own your soul right now.”
LEAH: Have you ever faked an orgasm?
KYNDRA: Yeah, during phone sex. My throat was dry.
LEAH: That’s fair. What are your hard red lines, things you absolutely don’t want to do?
KYNDRA: I don’t want to do anal. People are spitting in mouths these days. I just came across a post on social media where if I spit in your butt, suck it back out. Ew, yeah, I just don’t want to do bestiality. Okay. I want to do an adult, not a child without being specific. That’s really all I can think of. I want to maybe try a butt plug, but I don’t know. I’ll see how that goes, but that’s it. That’s pretty much it.
LEAH: Okay. Lots of lube with the butt plug, okay? Lots and lots and lots of lube because your vaginal canal with create its own lubrication, but your anal area does not produce any natural lubrication. So, you need to have lube.
KYNDRA: Get back to me in about 10 years about that. See how it works out.
LEAH: All right. What’s your ideal frequency of sex or sexual contact?
KYNDRA: Okay. Explain what you mean by ideal frequency.
LEAH: Would you like to be having some sort of sexual contact once a week, once a month, three times a day?
KYNDRA: Okay, got you. I think maybe three to four times out of the week depending on how busy I am. I think when I was younger, I was like, I want to do it every day, a couple times out of the day, but I think you’re going to get tired. You got stuff to do. So. maybe three to four times out of the week is cool. And it doesn’t have to be all day like two and a half Pandora songs with the ads.
LEAH: Do you have hair down there or are you bare?
KYNDRA: No, definitely when I was younger, used to shave. And then, I got older, I’m like, bro, why am I shaving? I was only doing it because it was the “thing to do”. You’re looked at as a freak if you don’t do it, but go get a wax or whatever. But then, I started saying, I’m going to make sure the hair’s down there. I’m going to grow it out, so I could cockblock myself. Doesn’t really work.
KYNDRA: But hey, it worked for me. I’m like, “Listen, if you want, go pay for a wax then. I’m not going to get one.”
KYNDRA: I’m a natural. I’m very free-spirited, so I’m natural. I’m like, look, I got hair underneath my arms right now until summer comes.
LEAH: Yeah, all right. Do you enjoy giving blow jobs and oral sex?
KYNDRA: Depends on how well I like a person. I’m really good. I can be down there for maybe 10 minutes and after that, if you haven’t cum yet, I’m cool. All right, 5-10 minutes. 5 minutes is really my goal. That’s it for you to finish.
LEAH: Yeah. Do you swallow with a penis?
KYNDRA: if it doesn’t smell at all, okay, this tastes great. I have one time.
LEAH: Do you ever worry about your own smell or taste?
KYNDRA: No because I eat very healthy and I drink a lot of water. So, I want them to say, “Wow, you taste so fruitful.” I’m like, “I know.”
LEAH: Do you enjoy dirty talk?
KYNDRA: I do, depends on what you’re saying that makes me all revved up. You have to say the right things and stuff like that.
LEAH: Sure. Have you ever felt a sexual urge that confused you?
KYNDRA: Yeah. I had a dream last night. Lil Wayne was kissing all over my neck and I’m like, “Bro, why the hell are you kissing on my neck? I don’t know what the hell is going on.”
KYNDRA: So, yeah, sometimes, I’ll be having afternoon wood for no reason. Somebody just runs by and I’m just already horny. I’m like, bro, what the hell is going on?
KYNDRA: So, yes, it does. It happens more often than I’d think. I’m like, bro, I don’t know what’s going on.
LEAH: What’s your favorite part of your body?
KYNDRA: My favorite part, my ass.
LEAH: What’s your least favorite part of your body?
KYNDRA: Maybe my stomach. I got a little pudge, just a little bit.
LEAH: Pudge is normal.
KYNDRA: Yeah. Just a little bit. It’s normal, but I’m like, ugh, I don’t want it there.
LEAH: Yeah. What’s something about your current sex life that isn’t as satisfying as you’d like it to be?
KYNDRA: I want it just to be more people who are down with what I’m down with. I don’t mind doing stuff in front of an audience. A lot of people aren’t. I don’t mind watching people. They don’t want me to watch.
LEAH: So, you’re interested in exhibitionism and voyeurism.
KYNDRA: Yeah, I’m definitely into exhibitionism, most definitely. But like I said, everybody is not on that same tip as I am. There are just some things I just really want to do before I’m like, okay, I think I’m completely out of my hoe years now. But I can’t fine no one to do it. It seems like when I was a lot younger, people were more willing and free to want to do it. But it seems like everybody is conscious of what they’re doing and I’m like, boo.
LEAH: So, it sounds like the swingers’ clubs might be a good place for you. If you walk in as a single woman, you’re going to have lots of attention.
KYNDRA: No, and that’s that as well. I was going to say this. I definitely could do it, but I’m also very mindful of whom I do stuff with because that person could be asymptomatic and have an STD and not even realize. That’s why I try to get to know people extremely well before up and saying, “Hey, we can do this.”
LEAH: Yeah. So, what you can do is, I assume that you’re getting an STI panel done periodically, have your results on your phone and if you meet somebody in a club who you’re interested in, say, “Here are my results. Show me yours.”
Because a lot of people are doing that now. Then you can be certain about what their results are and you can have that experience of voyeurism and exhibitionism because there’s a lot of that kind of stuff happening at a swingers’ club and you can also be super clear about what your boundaries are.
So, you say, “I am here for all of the oral sex you want, but there’s no penis in vagina sex happening,” and that’s what the line is. People in clubs have all had to agree to the same rules to get in as you have and those rules include talking about what your desires are, and then honoring each other’s consent. And there are no cameras allowed in a club.
KYNDRA: That’s the best part.
LEAH: Every camera either gets turned off or they get tape put over our phone cameras. So, I wonder if you might have a good time there.
KYNDRA: I most definitely feel like I can. I just hope that they’re honest of like, I know these are your papers, but when was the last time you did something? Did you do something this morning?” I’m a little wary of people. But I hope I come across it.
LEAH: I think that it’s reasonable to be wary. And also people who are getting tested regularly and have something like have their results on their phone, they are as concerned about STIs as you are. They are concerned about staying negative. And so, that’s the kind of person who you want, somebody who is already taking those precautions and making sure that they have their results available. That is the person who’s most likely to be telling you the truth.
KYNDRA: You know what? Check back with me in a few years. I’ll let you know which one I went to. I’ll let you know.
LEAH: Okay, all right. So, here’s the last question. What belief did you have about sex as a child or teenager that you wish you could go back and correct her on now?
KYNDRA: That number one, porn is not real-life. It’s a fantasy. Do you know how many times I didn’t call the pizza man?
KYNDRA: Anyway, back to the story. That’s the first thing. And secondly, sex is not bad. This is my belief. I only think it’s bad if you are literally not being safe. You’re just having it with any and everybody. You’re not being responsible in a sense. You still want to be responsible. If you have a random, like you said, person come up to you and be like, “How much?” “No, no, no. I’m cool.” You still have to be, like I said, responsible. You still have to, like I said, check results and stuff like that.
I would also say, don’t let people pressure you into doing what you don’t want to do. A lot of that happens as childhood and teenagerhood that people try to pressure you into getting what they want and it’s okay to stand your ground and say, “Okay, the answer’s no.”
LEAH: Yeah, all right. Kyndra, I know that you’re a comedian. And so, I’m imagining after listening to this conversation, people are going to want to want to come find you.
KYNDRA: That’s fine. Come and find me, please. Hopefully you’ve got some money because I don’t deal with brokies. All right.
LEAH: So, Kyndra, where can people find you?
KYNDRA: Yes. My Instagram is @thekyndracrump show.
LEAH: All right. And I will put those links in the show notes. Kyndra, thank you so much for being here. I’ve really enjoyed talking with you.
KYNDRA: You have really educated me and I really hope the swing, I don’t know how that’s going to work out, but I’ll figure it out. Someone I did come across, he actually had a dental dam, but he didn’t know how to use it. I’m like, “I don’t really care to learn.” I want to come across somebody who’s like, “Hey, you can give me head with a condom on for the first time.” Oh my gosh! Beautiful. We just rip it off. It’s like I said, man, that’s pretty much it.
LEAH: That’s it for today. Before we go, I want to remind you that the things you may have heard about your sexuality aren’t true. You are worthy. You are desirable. You are not broken. As a sex and intimacy coach, I will guide you in embracing the sexuality that is innately yours no matter what it looks like.
To set up your free discovery call, go to www.leahcarey.com/coaching. If you have questions or comments about anything you’ve heard on the show, call and leave a message at 720-GOOD-SEX. Full show notes and transcripts for this episode are at www.goodgirlstalk.com. And you can follow me @goodgirlstalk on the socials for more sex positive content. If you’re enjoying this show, please take a moment to leave a 5-star rating and review on Apple Podcasts or if you’re using another podcast app, go to www.ratethispodcast.com/goodgirls.
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Good Girls Talk About Sex is produced by me, Leah Carey, and edited by Gretchen Kilby. I have additional administrative support from Lara O’Connor. Transcripts are produced by Jan Acielo. Until next time, here’s to your better sex life!
All archived Good Girls Talk About Sex audio extras are now available for FREE! They can be accessed at www.patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex.
I’ve done this because not everyone has the means to pay for access, and I know this additional material can be deeply important for some listeners. But creating this show isn’t free, so if you’d like to support the work I do, I am grateful for your contributions at www.patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex.
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Host / Producer – Leah Carey (email)
Audio Editor – Gretchen Kilby
Administrative Support – Lara O’Connor, Maria Franco
Music – Nazar Rybak
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