Dive Deeper with Leah Carey
I have been through the fire and come out the other side. Now I’m here to walk with you as you do the same.
I will help you take a stand for yourself, your desires, and YOUR PLEASURE.
It’s been a year! In this final episode of 2019, we revisit some of our most popular conversations so far.
We’ve got excerpts from the Q&A portions from episodes featuring Danielle, Betsy, Jessi, and Michelle. Much of this material ended up on the cutting room floor the first time around, so it’s all-new content for regular listeners (Patreon supporters got a sneak peek at these extended conversations when they first came out!)
If you’ve got room in your 2020 budget and would like to support female-positive, sex-positive, judgment-free conversations that help us all to shed shame and SAY ALL THE THINGS, I invite you to join the community of supporters at www.patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex. For as little as $1/month, you can help make this podcast financially-viable long into the future.
The full episodes for these four conversations can be found:
LEAH: Hey friends. I just wanted to let you know that I edited this compilation episode myself. So the sound is a little less even than most of my episodes, which are done by my regular editor the amazing Gretchen Kilby. I hope you’ll bear with me through that because you’re about to get to cuts from previous episodes that you haven’t heard before and they’re amazing!
LEAH: Welcome to Good Girls talk About Sex. I’m sex educator and sexual communication coach Leah Carey and this is a place to share conversations with all sorts of women about their experience of sexuality. These are unfiltered conversations between adult women talking about sex. If anything about the previous sentence offends you, turn back now! And if you’re looking for a trigger warning, you’re not going to get it from me. I believe that you are stronger than the trauma you have experienced. I have faith in your ability to deal with things that upset you. Sound good? Let’s start the show!
LEAH: Hi friends. Whatever you may be celebrating or not, I hope you’re having a very happy holiday season. This is our final episode of the year and for that matter of the decade. So I wanted to revisit some of the most popular conversations we’ve had during this first year of Good Girls Talk About Sex.
Today, you’ll hear excerpts from the Q and A portion of four interviews and much of this material ended up on the cutting room floor the first time around, so it’s going to be all new content for regular listeners. Patreon supporters got a sneak peek at these extended conversations when they first came out, but more on that later.
First up is Danielle from the episode Bad Self Esteem but a Great Body, originally released in June. Danielle and her husband have the popular podcast Marriage and Martinis which I’ve been thrilled to be a guest on several times and I highly recommend. On the show, they talk very openly about the highs and lows of their marriage, so Danielle was willing to come here and talk about the highs and lows of her sex life. In this all new excerpt, Danielle talks about the crush she had as a teenager on her 70 year old teacher, how she and Adam engage in breath play, also known as choking, during sex, how much noise she makes during sex, and how much noise she wants her partner to make.
LEAH: Do you have sex during your period?
DANIELLE: No, at least not purposely.
LEAH: Because you don’t like it?
DANIELLE: Yeah, I don’t like it. Adam doesn’t care. I don’t like. First of all, I don’t want to be the one to clean it after and I don’t want anybody else cleaning it after.
LEAH: I understand that.
DANIELLE: So I don’t want to be in a hotel and leave that for somebody else. And I don’t want to deal with the aftermath and again, less friction, I won’t feel friction.
LEAH: Got you. Hair down there or are you bare?
DANIELLE: Hair down there. Yeah.
LEAH: A fantasy you’ve been wanting to try but haven’t yet?
DANIELLE: Definitely lesbian experience.
LEAH: Okay. Have you ever felt a sexual urge that confused you?
DANIELLE: Hmm, that’s a good question. Yeah, I was highly, highly, highly attracted to my high school history teacher who was in his 70s.
LEAH: Oh wow.
DANIELLE: He was so old. He’s now dead.
DANIELLE: I mean I legitimately never acted on it and thankfully he didn’t either, but a 100% if he had made a move on me, I would have probably gone through with it, yes.
LEAH: Do you know what the attraction was?
DANIELLE: I mean he was super brilliant. He was very outdoorsy, not attractive for sure but I think everybody knew too. It was an ongoing joke that I had a crush on him but I legitimately had a crush on him.
LEAH: Wow. What’s the kinkiest thing you enjoy?
DANIELLE: The kinkiest thing I enjoy is definitely being aggressively choked.
LEAH: Okay. So I want to pause here for a second because breath play is intense stuff. What kinds of agreements do you have with Adam around breath play and do you have any sort of safety protocol In place?
DANIELLE: So we haven’t really had an issue with it. Listen, you should all have safety in place, I’m not condoning anybody doing anything. But for us, I think we have a feel for at this point the other person and you ease up and you don’t do it for too long. And I think we’ve gotten pretty good at it but I think I would probably just grab his hand and pull him off. But I had not had to do that yet.
LEAH: And so how far do you go? Do you allow him to take you to the point of near blackout? DANIELLE: No. No, it’s not quite like that. No, I think it’s more aggressive and then backing off at the
time and then aggressive and backing off at the time, room to catch your breath. LEAH: And does it heighten your sexual pleasure? Is that why you do it? DANIELLE: Completely, both of us and especially when we do it simultaneously. LEAH: Oh, what does that mean? You both choke each other at the same time? DANIELLE: Yeah, both at the same time.
LEAH: Really? I’ve never heard about that.
DANIELLE: Yeah. I don’t know if it’s a thing or not a thing, but it works for us. [LAUGHTER]
LEAH: I’m sure it’s a thing. Everything is a thing.
DANIELLE: It is now.
LEAH: This is just a realm I haven’t played in.
DANIELLE: Okay. Yeah, I mean for sure I have just started to explore research of BDSM and that kind of thing and we haven’t partaken in that yet but I certainly see how I would be kind of in for it.
LEAH: Fascinating. Do you swallow during a blow job or not?
DANIELLE: I do.
LEAH: Do you make noise during sex?
DANIELLE: Yes. I do but we also have three kids at home so you have to be careful but I prefer to make noise.
LEAH: So do you quiet yourself when the kids are in the house?
DANIELLE: Yeah, I think probably it’s like a reflex now.
LEAH: So you don’t like put the pillow over your face?
DANIELLE: I think Adam probably covers my mouth some, sure.
LEAH: Do you enjoy direct stimulation to the clit? Do you prefer the hood to be touched? Or do you prefer it to not be touched at all?
DANIELLE: From just a manual stimulation, I can orgasm pretty easily. A lot of times much more easily than during sex so I think I’m pretty fair game. I think it’s pretty easy. It’s pretty across the board, yeah.
LEAH: How do you feel about the smell or taste of your own juices if Adam goes down on you and kisses you?
DANIELLE: I hate it. I really hate it. It does not turn me on at all. I don’t like him kissing after. LEAH: Okay. And is he okay with that?
DANIELLE: I mean I think he’s just used to it, yeah.
LEAH: How do you feel when your partner can’t get an erection or keep an erection during sex?
DANIELLE: We don’t usually have that problem. Sometimes we have the problem where he says he can always finish but there are some times where it takes a really long time. And that is bothersome to me because they’re allowed to be done and then we’re done, but we’re allowed to be done but then we have to wait for them to be done.
DANIELLE: And I tend to get sore and tired but yet you feel like the bad wife or the bad woman saying, “Okay, no. I’ve had enough.” Adam has this thing where, “If I’m done, I’m done. It’s like giving someone a plate of food after they’re full.”
LEAH: So I wonder in having this conversation with you, I wonder if there might be a way to begin to change that conversation, if when you’re done and he’s not and you’re starting to get sore, which is an experience that I think most women can probably relate to.
DANIELLE: Especially after 40. [LAUGHTER]
LEAH: Yes, absolutely, if you say, “Okay, I need to stop intercourse but I will give you a hand job, I’ll give you a blow job. I’ll use a toy on you.” There’s actually a great toy. I’ll put it in the Show Notes for this. It’s called an egg. It’s amazing. We love it.
DANIELLE: Oh, okay, cool.
LEAH: “That I will continue to help you to get to your climax but we need to remove that from my
genital area.” DANIELLE: Right.
LEAH: And if he has that experience then maybe it will help him to begin to understand the reverse that there are times when you need more. You’ve already said that you are not into anal sex. Do you enjoy ass play at all?
DANIELLE: Not for me, no. I don’t like it for me but I’m okay with it on the guy. LEAH: So you will play with him?
DANIELLE: Yeah, but I don’t like it for me. I’m not comfortable back there. I don’t like it. I don’t enjoy it. LEAH: Do you prefer when your partner makes noise or is quiet?
DANIELLE: I much, much, much prefer for him to make noise. We’re working on it.
DANIELLE: He has started to reach out a little bit and try and has made some progress there. He actually seems to enjoy it a little bit more but no, that has been a huge issue for us is that I really need him to be vocal and he struggles with that.
LEAH: Do you enjoy dirty talk during sexual encounters? DANIELLE: Yes, very much. Yeah.
LEAH: And I know that is something that Adam is working on. DANIELLE: He’s working on it, yup. He is.
LEAH: Next up is Betsy from the episode When We Started to Explore Kink, originally released in July. Betsy says that she has a naturally high libido but an unhappy marriage beat it right out of her. Now, she’s with a new partner and exploring her long suppressed interest in BDSM. I have a feeling the reason this episode was so popular is because a lot of you are interested in exploring kink and BDSM also. In this extended Q and A excerpt, Betsy talks about the division of their sex time between kinky play and so called vanilla play, her experience of multiple orgasms, and the sexual fantasy that really confused her before she discovered her interest in BDSM.
Do you have sex during your period?
LEAH: Do you have hair down there or are you bare? BETSY: I have hair everywhere.
BETSY: It’s actually one of the things that I told him before we even saw each other, “I don’t shave and I’m never going to shave again.”
LEAH: And he was cool with that?
BETSY: He was going to have to be and at this point, he’s gotten to the point where he thinks it’s super
BETSY: Yeah, I love it.
LEAH: Have you ever felt a sexual urge that confused you?
BETSY: Yeah, Jesus Christ, looking at torture looks and being turned on freaked me the fuck out.
LEAH: So now that you are exploring this realm, are you actually going so far as those torture scenes that you saw in the books?
LEAH: Do you desire to?
BETSY: No. I get that it was a general direction that was titillating to me.
LEAH: Yeah, I have found as I have explored some in the DS, Dominant and Submissive territory, that there are some things that are turn ons for me but when they happen in real life, “Oh no, that needs to remain firmly in fantasy territory.”
BETSY: Yes, yes.
LEAH: What’s the kinkiest thing you enjoy?
BETSY: I totally love it when I’m bent over his lap and he’s playing with both of my holes and I’m playing with my clit. It takes me forever to come because it’s just so much sensation but it’s incredible.
LEAH: Do you swallow during a blow job or not? BETSY: Yeah.
LEAH: How often do you have sex? BETSY: Every chance I get. [LAUGHTER]
BETSY: As many as times a day as possible. I happen to not be interested in first thing in the morning which is a real bummer for him but if I could get up and go do my breakfast and then come back, I’m right on it.
LEAH: So you need to fuel yourself up before you can go?
BETSY: Yeah, I’m a morning person. I need to wake up and jump out of the bed and do some stuff and then I can come back and then do stuff.
LEAH: How often do you masturbate?
BETSY: Very little right now.
LEAH: Don’t need to?
BETSY: No, God no.
BETSY: Unless I’m on the phone with him and that’s a whole different thing. LEAH: Oh, okay. Do you make noise during sex?
BETSY: Yeah, now I do. I never used to.
LEAH: What do you think the difference is?
BETSY: The Sub role, starting to realize that it’s hot for me. Obviously it’s supposed to be super hot for the guy when the girl makes noise but there’s a lot of inhibitions. I think it’s the Sub role that just allows me to be completely what I am. And I don’t shriek or scream at volume. Well, I guess you have to ask him, I’m not really sure.
LEAH: This is something I didn’t ask you earlier. How much of your sex time is spent in this sort of kinkier BDSM world and how much of your sex time is spent in more vanilla play?
BETSY: That’s actually a great question. And we play along the line between. I don’t think we do very much, what does he call it? Sweet? He doesn’t call it vanilla. It’s something like sweet, sweet sex.
We do that probably one out of every five and we do like hardcore tied up, not hardcore, we don’t do hardcore anything but tied up, another one out of five. And then the other three are border line where he’ll add some pain in. So our generic sex is not vanilla but it’s also not what anybody in the kink world would probably consider kinky. I don’t know. It’s not hardcore anything.
LEAH: Sure. Do you enjoy direct stimulation to the clit? Do you prefer the hood to be touched or do you prefer to not be touched at all?
BETSY: I love clit play. All of the above and because I’m into pain, actually, the direct clit play is actually great for me once I’m fully turned on.
LEAH: How do you feel about the taste and smell of your own juices if he kisses you after going down on you?
BETSY: I’ve gotten to the point where I really like it. I love to suck it off his dick or smell it on his beard. LEAH: It sounds like that’s new.
BETSY: To like it?
BETSY: I think to allow myself to notice if I liked it or not.
LEAH: How do you feel when your partner loses or can’t get an erection?
BETSY: We do other stuff. At this point, I don’t feel bad at all. I feel so completely satisfied by our sex life that it’s just not even an issue when he goes soft.
LEAH: How do you feel about ass play? [LAUGHTER]
LEAH: Do you prefer if your partner makes noise or is quiet? BETSY: I love it when he talks and makes noise.
LEAH: Do you tend to orgasm quickly or take a long time? BETSY: It depends on the time of month.
LEAH: Oh, interesting.
BETSY: More and more it’s fast like really fast. But there are times where I’m hard to cum. So it takes a
LEAH: And is your play session over when you cum or are you a multi orgasm girl? [LAUGHTER]
BETSY: I think before we stopped counting, there was one session that was 24 times. LEAH: Oh, good Lord. Wow
BETSY: That’s what I would say. I call him a sex god on a fairly regular basis. [LAUGHTER]
LEAH: Before we move on to our third excerpt, I want to take a moment to send huge gratitude to the amazing listeners who support the podcast through Patreon. I do this podcast because I love it. I absolutely love doing these interviews and sharing them with you. And while it’s free for you to listen, it’s not free for me to produce. All told, I pay over a 100 dollars per episode out of pocket for editing, administrative help, and online services to help this podcast a reality.
If you’re looking at your budget for 2020 and have some wiggle room to support female positive, sex positive, judgment free conversations that help us all to shed shame and say all the things, I invite you to join the community of supporters at patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex. For as little as 1 dollar a month, you can help make this podcast financially viable.
And here’s a little secret. If we got enough supporters, I could broadcast every week. I’ve got plenty of material to make it happen. The only thing that’s keeping it from becoming a reality is funding. So if you want to be a part of the next sexual revolution, join us at patreon.com/goodgirlstalkaboutsex.
I also want you to hear this. If you’d love to give and don’t have any wiggle room in your budget, I see you. I am intimately familiar with what it feels like to struggle to make ends meet. Isolated instances of sexual violence are correlated with a disruption in economic earning power and I know very few women who have experienced only an isolated instance of sexual assault, coercion and violence. If you are struggling and this podcast helps you to see the possibility of a new path, I want you to know that the podcast will always be freely available because you are not alone and you are deserving of this type of support. If you want to let a few friends know about the podcast, that would be an amazing way of supporting us as well.
And now, onto the next set of clips with Jessi Kneeland, the incredible body image coach who I’ve been privileged to work with. Jessi is the only person I’ve interviewed twice and I did it because in the six months between our two interviews, she radically shifted from dating primarily men to dating primarily women. This extended Q and A cut comes from our second interview tilted Exploring Queer Sex that aired in June. She talks about the hormonal issues she’s been dealing with over the last coupe years, her masturbatory habits, and how long it takes her to orgasm.
LEAH: Do you have sex during your period?
JESSI: I have. I don’t really get a period anymore which is actually a whole other thing, hormonally speaking, I’m kind of a disaster at the moment. But I did when I had it as long as the other person was super, super into it, as long as they really didn’t care.
LEAH: Do you have hair down there or are you bare?
JESSI: I am laser bare and it is one of those things, I might have said this to you before, because I got lasered in my mid-20s that since I’ve done a lot of this work, I’m kind of like, “Man, I wish I could rack a huge bush” and just have that sort of free experience but that’ll never happen.
LEAH: Why did you decide to get lasered?
JESSI: Because I had been shaving since I basically had any hair. I never had any hair so I couldn’t imagine any world where I would have wanted any hair. But shaving bumps and waxing gave me ingrown hairs and stuff, the laser was just a dream like, “Oh my God, I just wouldn’t have to do anything.”
And I will say most of the time I like it, but sometimes, I see other women rocking body hair and I’m like, “Aww. I kind of wish I could.” Just for the movement to show that that’s okay.
LEAH: What’s a fantasy that you’ve wanted to try but haven’t yet?
JESSI: Oh, very good question. I think a recent fantasy that I haven’t gotten to explore it would be a threesome with two women. I’ve had a variety of other threesome experiences, always with a combo of genders. And actually with two men, I’ve done that as well. But I haven’t done that with two women and I think that sounds awesome.
LEAH: If I was not currently partnered with a man that is one of mine too. [LAUGHTER]
JESSI: You’ve never done it?
LEAH: No, I haven’t.
JESSI: Oh my God, this is, I’m sure that you probably can relate to this, but sometimes when I’m in the mood to watch porn, type in “lesbian” because lately I’m in this mindset so I want to see women, I don’t really want to see a dude in his dick. It’s just not what I’m in the mood for.
But all the lesbian stuff is so still for the male gaze, how they don’t want to touch each other, it’s like, “Oh my God”, they slap her boob or something, and then they get away like every part of her is not turned on by this other woman. Oh God, it’s awful. I’ve been wishing I could see a three woman threesome video because I’ve been sort of fantasizing about it and I wish there were videos. I’m sure there are but I haven’t come across one yet that was. I’m just curious about how it would be like in the real world.
LEAH: How often do you masturbate?
JESSI: Oh, that changes a lot as well. And I’m noticing more with hormonal bullshit going on, that I can go weeks without thinking about it, and all of a sudden, for days it’s like sometimes multiple times a day, so I’m like that’s a new pattern. It didn’t used to be like that. It used to be kind of four to five days a week if I was single. It’s the same amount that I would want to have sex. And I think that it does seem to be shifting.
LEAH: I remember my masturbatory habits changing over time through my 30s. They changed several times and I have to believe that it has something to do with hormones.
JESSI: I’ve also gone on and off different birth controls over the past couple of years to try to handle PMDD which is just like a hormonal nightmare. So I think that’s responsive to that and it’s also hard to tell because they take a while. It takes a few months for each thing to sort of stabilize so I can’t really tell what’s causing what but it’s definitely shifting.
LEAH: Do you enjoy direct stimulation to the clit, prefer the hood to be touched, or prefer it not to be touched at all?
JESSI: This changes dramatically based on what part of the arousal process I’m in. I would say that at first, I don’t want it to be touched at all kind of like direct stimulation. Until I’m more aroused, it feels kind of weird and yucky. Once I get aroused, I want both of those places touched directly for sure and the closer I get to orgasm, touched hard with pressure and all that, so the answer is yes and not without being properly aroused.
LEAH: I think that’s such an important distinction to make that some people maybe don’t realize that there is a distinction to be made so thank you for explicating that.
JESSI: Totally. When I’m really lazy and I’m masturbating with a vibrator or something, which to be honest is most of the time, my masturbatory habits are pretty lazy. Sometimes at first, if I don’t do some self touching all over my body, my nipples, skin, if I don’t get into my body first, the first minute or couple of minutes of masturbating are kind of awkward. It’s the only word I can think of it. Weird, it’s a bit of weirdness to it. It feels good, but it’s weird. But this is the fastest way to be done with this if I’m just trying to orgasm and go to sleep but for sure it doesn’t have the same kind of pleasure response and it’s not as luscious and it’s certainly not as good of an orgasm as if I take the time and touch my body and get turned before going for that vibration.
LEAH: How do you feel about ass play?
JESSI: I love it but I love it only if the other person loves it. I don’t think that I would ever ask for it without ever knowing that the other person got turned on by it actively, which was such an absolute gift to the one person who really introduced me to this because he was so into it but I basically had no choice but to be like, “Well, I guess let’s see.”
Because up until that point, it had just sounded kind of yucky and when I saw how turned on it made him, for himself too, he liked ass play on him, and he liked to do it to me and so I was like, “Okay.” And I remember asking the first time. I was like, “So thank you for that. That actually did feel good but I’m still having a very complicated reaction to it.”
JESSI: So can you just walk me through, “Why is that not gross to you? Why is that an okay thing to do? Why is that an okay place to put your mouth? Just walk me through it.” And he basically was like, “It’s just so arousing to me that I can’t even imagine caring.” His answer was like, “I don’t know. I don’t know but I just couldn’t care less.” And I was like, “Okay, I’ll accept that answer.”
And then over time, I did ask him about anal sex at some point like, “What if something gets on it?” I was all self conscious and he’s like, “It’s just a cause of entry like cause of entry” was his answer. It literally didn’t matter because it was so arousing to him. And the truth is I loved it. It felt amazing.
JESSI: But it did take some getting used to and I think with a new partner who didn’t actively get something out of it find it very arousing, I think I still wouldn’t unfortunately, probably feel comfortable asking but I’m not really sure.
LEAH: Do you tend to orgasm quickly or tend to take a long time?
JESSI: That’s a fantastic question. I think I probably take an average amount of time but I definitely spent my life thinking it was way too fucking long. So having done some of the learning that I’ve done on how long most women take, I’ve really tried to refrain that because one of the reasons that I couldn’t cum for a long time was because I felt like I needed to have it sooner. And then I started to get really self conscious like they’ll get tired or bored or they want to finish or they’ll think that something’s wrong with me. So much anxiety was there about the time it took.
And one of the greatest things ever done for my sex life was giving myself permission to take longer and even take the orgasm off the table and just focus on pleasure entirely. Because I naturally had more orgasms that way because I wasn’t so self conscious about how long it was taking. I had never timed it, especially with a vibrator, it takes probably less than 5 minutes most of the time. But I know some women who take 30 seconds and I’m like, “Oh that’s fast.”
And then in sex, it definitely takes a lot longer without vibrating stimulation, the whole thing it’s like there has to be this long arousal process and then it takes a bunch of stimulation and so I certainly feel self conscious about that at times. Still even though I’m pretty sure I’m within that average female orgasm range. It’s funny because my immediate reaction is that I take forever but that’s not actually true, that’s just a story that I’ve been taught.
LEAH: I can’t remember if this is a conversation I had with you but I think it was, where we were talking about how if you think that the average woman takes 10 minutes and you take 20 minutes, then that feels like a really long time.
LEAH: But if you think that an average woman takes 30 minutes and you take 20 minutes, you think,
“Oh, I’m quick.”
JESSI: Exactly. These lies that we tell ourselves that puts all this pressure on us. It’s not even true. There is no average. There is no good or bad but certainly I think because how quickly men cum or can cum
most of them, most women think that they take too long. And so that still is a story I occasionally come up against and even as you asked it, that would have been my answer a few years ago. And now, I’m trying really hard to say, I take a normal amount of time.
JESSI: And perhaps even for some, I take a very short amount of time in comparison because it could take anywhere from 1 to a 100 minutes and as long as everybody is having fun then who cares? More than a 100, what is this fast or short thing that we’re comparing against?
LEAH: Do you enjoy dirty talk during sexual encounters?
JESSI: That’s such a good questions. I enjoy talking. I think that a lot of dirty talk comes off as disingenuous to me and I particularly don’t like when it sounds like a porn script because that feels very impersonal. I really hate when men say things like, “Yeah, you like that, don’t you baby?”
JESSI: And I’m like, “That does not turn me on.” In fact, it takes me out of it and I’m immediately like, “Well, are you really asking me a question?” There’s a response to that that is like, “That’s stupid and I don’t like that.”
But there have certainly been dirty talk things that have been said to me like melted me and I was like, “Holy shit, that’s sexy.” I think that it just has to feel really authentic and it’s not really about the words so much. It’s not like the word “pussy” turns me on but if somebody used it in a way that was like meaningful, authentic, super tuned into me, it could be the hottest shit ever.
LEAH: What is the activity that is most likely to bring you to orgasm?
JESSI: My vibrator.
JESSI: But in terms of partnered sex, my own hand honestly probably is the most likely because I know what I’m doing.
JESSI: I mean I can give instructions but usually it’s just easier to do it myself. [MUSIC]
LEAH: Before our final set of excerpts, I want to remind you that we women tend to spend a majority of our energy taking care of everyone else and the holiday season multiples that tendency exponentially. So now that gift giving season is coming to a close, I want to invite you to turn inward and start 2020 off by taking care of yourself.
If your sex life isn’t everything you want it to be, the 5% Braver Group Coaching program is for you. Each week, we meet on a video conference to talk about where you are today in your sex life, where you’d like to be, and the tiny doable steps you can take each day to get there. The groups are small. Only six people, so you get tons of personal attention and individualized homework each week.
The sisterhood that’s created among participants is amazing. One woman in the fall group said that she got more done in 6 sessions of our group than she had in 5 months with her therapist. And if you just can’t stand the idea of spending time and attention on yourself because it feels selfish, let me remind you that your satisfaction with your sex life doesn’t just affect you. Your partner will enjoy sex more if you’re more present. If you’re able to shed some resentment or fear around sex, your kids and coworkers will notice a shift in the air even if they don’t know exactly what it’s about. There are multiple sections of the group so you can find a time and day that works with your schedule. All of the information is at leahcarey.com/brave. Registration is now open and seats are limited. I’d love to work with you.
And now, onto our final clips from the November episode A Throbbing In My Nether Regions, where we met Michelle. She is a long time lesbian who has recently rediscovered an attraction to men. She’s navigating these confusing waters while being married to the woman she calls the love of her life. As I said when this interview aired last month, Michelle stands as one of my favorite interviews that I’ve done yet. Her humor and vulnerability shine through has she opens up the deepest part of her soul to my questioning. In this excerpt, Michelle talks about her dislike for bodily fluids, how her Puritanical upbringing continues to affect her experience of sex today, and her hilarious experience with the sex toy that went viral Tracy’s Dog. There’s a link to the toy in the Show Notes.
LEAH: Do you have sex during your period?
MICHELLE: No. I do not. I think I would freak out trying to do that, fluids, no. LEAH: Right, it’s the whole fluid thing.
LEAH: What’s the approximate number of sex partners you’ve had?
MICHELLE: Probably like 6 or 7.
LEAH: Do you prefer clit stimulation or penetration?
MICHELLE: It’s interesting. I would previously say penetration because that feels great. [LAUGHTER]
MICHELLE: But I actually just got an actual vibrator, my first vibrator. I bought one and I started using it on the clit part and that’s got me rescheduling meetings.
MICHELLE: It’s like what the hell have I been missing?
LEAH: Do you have a particular toy that you’re using that you want to recommend? MICHELLE: I read this really funny Amazon review of Tracy’s Dog.
LEAH: Oh, yeah.
MICHELLE: And that inspired me to buy that one. The first time I used it, I felt myself going to a place. I was talking to somebody and nobody was there. And I just threw it away from me. I was like I’m sending that thing back. I don’t want to refund, just take it back and throw it away. That thing is evil, get it away from me.
MICHELLE: And then I used it again and I was like, “Yeah, this thing is about to be my best friend.” [LAUGHTER]
LEAH: Alright, I’ll put a link to that in the Show Notes.
MICHELLE: I got a double charley horse with that thing and I was like, “What, what is this?” I have a magical playlist that I listen to with that thing like we have a relationship.
LEAH: Awesome, moving on.
LEAH: What is your favorite way to orgasm during sex?
MICHELLE: Oh Gosh, I wish I knew. That’s the thing. I can count on my hand the number of times I have had an orgasm and might not use all my fingers.
MICHELLE: And I’ve been talking to my therapist about it and we’ve come to the realization that it might have something to do with vulnerability just I am having a hard time being vulnerable. I expect the people I’m with to have multiple orgasms but when it comes to me, it’s just I can’t let go for some reasons. So we’re trying to work through that.
LEAH: What kind of touch do you enjoy most?
MICHELLE: Holding, I think. Just kind of like spooning or something like that where I feel your arms, your hands or whatever on me, it kind of just makes me feel secure I think in a way. And I guess if we’re talking about just straight up sex, I guess I don’t really know. I have a lot to kind of figure out about sex. I was holding onto a lot of ideas and things that I don’t think were the greatest for somebody. And so I’m still trying to figure that out.
LEAH: I love that you’re in the exploration that you’re not just saying, “Well, I never figured it out so I’m out.” You’re actually saying, “I want to figure it out.”
MICHELLE: Yup, right, for sure.
LEAH: What are your hard red lines, things that you absolutely don’t want to explore?
MICHELLE: Anal sex! Not doing it. I can’t. It’s funny I had a health situation where I had a fissure where I had surgery and I literally would joke that I had surgery because I was a tight ass.
MICHELLE: So I’m just like a little bit nervous about aggravating anything back there and I just can’t imagine any part of that being pleasurable for me. So I’m just like, “Nah, not doing that.”
LEAH: Do you have hair down there or are you bare?
MICHELLE: Always have hair. It might be like lined up like I just went to the barber shop or some shit.
MICHELLE: So it might look clean but I keep it trimmed or whatever. And I actually prefer the women that I’m with to have hair also.
LEAH: Oh yeah, what do you like about it?
MICHELLE: It’s a thing I have. I just don’t think I can see that much bare skin. It kind of puts me in the mind of somebody who is like pre-pubescent or something like I just can’t do it. I need to see some hair. It doesn’t have to be a jungle down there or anything, but I need to see something.
MICHELLE: And I thought about this for dudes. I never really thought about this with guys. Whether they had it or not, I never really considered if that was a thing that I needed to see for them. I guess I probably should start thinking about that. I don’t know.
LEAH: It’s something that we expect women to think about and we don’t expect men to think about it at all.
MICHELLE: Right, yup.
LEAH: Yeah. Have you ever had a threesome or more? MICHELLE: Miss Puritanical, no!
MICHELLE: I have not. I’ve kind of thought about it. I don’t know if I could do that. I’ve always been so purely monogamous like one person for one person is the thing for me. And I don’t know that I could share.
My wife and I have talked about that, the possibility some years ago. We were like it probably wouldn’t work out the greatest just because of jealousy issues and if that person was able to make you make a noise or make you have an orgasm. In my case, she was struggling to do that. She would have a problem with that. And so, we just figured out that wasn’t anything for us. And so, I hadn’t done it outside of her either.
LEAH: Yeah. Do you enjoy giving blow jobs or oral sex?
MICHELLE: We talked about the whole fluids thing. That’s the only drawback but the smell and just the sounds women make, I love that. Oh, I love that. So I love the whole thing. And on men, yeah, I like the effect that it does to them and not so much getting cum in my face or anything like that or in my mouth or anything like that, but I enjoy giving.
LEAH: Do you enjoy receiving oral sex? MICHELLE: Absolutely, God, yes! [LAUGHTER]
MICHELLE: All right! Let’s do this! [LAUGHTER]
MICHELLE: Gosh, I think about when I was first starting out and it freaked me out like what are you doing down there? Thinking like, “Do I smell okay?” I freaked out a lot. I was very neurotic. It took me a long time to let go of that. And now, it’s just like, “Man, if you ain’t doing this, you better get the hell out of my face!”
MICHELLE: But yeah, I love receiving it. LEAH: What’s the kinkiest thing you enjoy?
MICHELLE: I’m still trying to figure that out honestly. I think I might be into some BDSM kind of stuff. But I don’t know enough about it. So I guess I’m looking forward to finding something out. My wife is different. She’s done everything so she’s definitely into that.
MICHELLE: And she’s excited about the prospect of doing some of this stuff with me. And I’ve always just kind of been scared to do it but I think I might be like a Sub? Is that what they call it?
LEAH: Yeah, a Sub or a bottom.
MICHELLE: Okay. I think I would probably be more inclined to do that because I have such control freak issues and I have to have so much control in running projects in my job and stuff and I need control. It’s actually fantasies that I have, control to be taken from me.
LEAH: That is so common, yeah. MICHELLE: That might be what I need?
LEAH: What could be interesting for you with BDSM is that we think about it in a very sexual connotation. And a lot of people do include it in their sex lives but there are also people who they experience some sort of, let’s say for you, a submission scene where maybe they get paddled or whatever. But it doesn’t end in sex.
It is just a scene to experience the sensation but it’s not necessarily tied to then let’s climb into bed and give you an orgasm, which might be an interesting thing for you to play with since you do have challenges with letting down your guard and orgasming that maybe you play with it simply for the experience of sensation and submission.
MICHELLE: I heard about something like that in one of your recent podcasts, where somebody was saying something about that and I was like, “That’s an option?” But I was just like, “Okay, there’s a lot of stuff that I haven’t ever considered.” And it’s a little intimidating but I’m looking forward. At least I’m in this place where I’m willing to kind of look into it and try.
LEAH: That’s exciting. Yeah. And like you said, you can try it once and never have to do it again. But it’s exciting that you’re at the place where you want to try.
MICHELLE: For sure.
LEAH: Do you enjoy dirty talk during sexual encounters?
MICHELLE: I enjoy saying it to a certain degree but there are always just some things that I can’t say. And I enjoy hearing it. I don’t know that I necessarily like hearing whispering in my ear. I don’t know if I like that sensation like moisture and heat in my ear. But if a woman is giving me directions, I’m just doing something that she really likes, yes!
MICHELLE: Tell me that! I very much enjoy that! [LAUGHTER]
MICHELLE: And I do definitely do say things, yeah.
LEAH: Do you enjoy laughter during sexual encounters?
MICHELLE: I do enjoy the occasional joke. I don’t expect it regularly but I think it could be an awesome, just kind of relationship builder and tension breaker and stuff like that. Humor is super huge to me so why not have it come into that space as well? It’s not like sex is so super serious that there’s no room for that kind of thing.
LEAH: All right. Is there something you fantasize about but have never asked for in real life?
MICHELLE: That I have fantasized about. I think probably something like force, pushing me up against the wall. Obviously with the person that I trust and I love and feel safe with. It’s just that kind of thing like kind of manhandle me if you know what I mean.
LEAH: Yeah, I know what you mean. [LAUGHTER]
LEAH: I’m all about it.
MICHELLE: Like that kind of thing. I think that but I feel kind of, I don’t want to say dirty but it feels kind of bad to ask for that kind of thing.
LEAH: Thank you so much friends for joining us during this first year of Good Girls Talk About Sex. We’ll be back in two weeks to begin our second year!
That episode features a non-binary person of color named Jazz who talks about how genitals are not the be-all end-all of gender. If all of the recent talk about gender as a spectrum has you confused or feeling uncomfortable, be sure to listen to this episode. Also in 2020, a woman who loves her husband but dreads sex, a woman who works as a sexual surrogate for people with disabilities who might not otherwise be able to experience sexual pleasure, a woman in her 70s who spent the first half of her life working through issues of childhood sexual abuse, and one of the ones that I’m looking forward to the most, a woman who is active in her religious community and recently began swinging with her husband, and so much more!
I can hardly wait to share it all with you. Until then, come find me on Instagram and YouTube at GoodGirlsTalk. I look forward to talking with you again soon. Here’s to your better sex life!
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